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I got constant anxiety attacks about how my mom will react to anything.
thats a trauma response
Are you still in that situation or do you mean that that happened in the past? For me it got better once I left home. Although I was still in contact with her. Now it is much better, because I only occasionally have contact with her and only via text. It took me years to get there, but I did. I hope you do too if you have not already.
Yes and no. Right now I am kind of dependent on her because the last two jobs I had both went under so I am unemployed. She helps me and I need it. But at the same time I feel like its more of a control thing. I love her, but I cannot deny how she makes me feel whenever I make the tiniest mistake and she basically blamed me for those companies shitting the bed.
my brother has the same thing, although the details are different.
my mother would even buy him alcohol. they are in a symbiotic emotional abuse situation.
she needs to keep him a child, and he wants to be safe and secure, but at the same time, it eats him up, since he also wants to be an independant man.
so he needs his mother, but hates her at the same time.
she needs someone to fuss about, since without it, she is nothing. she hated when the rest of us grew up.
she overstepped boundairies countless times. phoned with schools, workplaces. hospitals. boyfriends from my sisters, multiple times. to involvee herself, get a hold on us, mend a broken relationship for us, make deals with school, what have you.
I was 32, lying injured in bed, Nurse came in, phoning with mom. I grabbed the phone, screamed in red hot anger, and then forbid to staff and docs to communicate with her. they had to talk me down because i was shaking and could not calm down from the adrenalin rush.
she made such a fuzz about me when I was laying in intensive care, that I threw her out of my room. I was sedated and on a breathing aparatus, but she made me so mad because of her way of treating me like a hurt child.
she knew I hated that *hit. I told her a 1000 times. like my siblings also did.
she always ingores that i AM autistic, and tries to get feelings out of that I don't want to have.
yep trauma response. i hafe the same thing.
i love my mom, and I am deeply ashamed and sorry to have her blocked. but she harms me everytime I see her.
I wil miss her and regret it all when she dies.
I am sorry to hear that. I think your mother ignoring autism can be as harmful as her telling you have it while you don't. In both cases, you are not seen and accepted for who you are.
I have an official document stating that if I am incapable of making decisions, my parents are not allowed to make decisions for me and they cannot be with me in the room by themselves or touch me. I feel quite guilty about that, but I just cannot deal with what will happen otherwise.