[CW: depression] What the fuck am I doing with my life?
[CW: depression] What the fuck am I doing with my life?
Basically title. Ever since my father died when I was at the young age of 9, my life has been on a downward trajectory. I got bullied at my middle school. I contracted some unknown disease related to my stomach which manifests itself through taking my energy away and making me depressed (also a lot of growling, gasses, diarrhea cuz of nervousness when I went to school and had an exam etc.). Of course the healthcare system in my third world prison has no idea what the fuck is going on. I tried both private and public healthcare, and both of them basically told me to fuck off.
Then after that, because I at the time lived with my grandma, and she got some unknown virus that caused her liver to shut down, even though she made it in the end, I was still forced to relocate to my mom and stepdad's house. This probably was the worst period of my life, mainly because of this asshole. First off, he didn't physically assault me, at least not until the very end. No, he instead constantly kept arguing with me about absurd conspiracy theories, even forcing me to stay late into the night, even though I had school early in the morning. Like, it got so bad, I kept avoiding eye contact with him at all costs, lest I wanted to trigger an unskippable NPC cutscene, filled with gay lobbies and anti-vax nonsense. Then he gradually started restricting stuff like the PC, not because I did anything bad, but because I correctly pointed out that no, warmups wouldn't have made a difference in my ankle sprain when I landed awkwardly. At the end he pushed me because of some stupid lie I made up so I wouldn't have to talk with him, causing me to start planning to get out of there as soon as I can.
And I ended up doing so, in fact, I went out with style, as I was going to first celebrate New Year's eve with my friends in the capital city, and only then would I relocate to my old home. That was, in the last 10 years, probably the only point where I thought I might actually be able to have a normal life, friends, a girlfriend, confidence in myself and maybe even figure out what the fuck was happening in my guts. But of course, If that did happen, I wouldn't be writing this story now, would I? So of course after about 2-3 months of me arriving from that trip and back home, I get into a spat with my friends because of, as Tony Soprano would say, "normal teenage shit". I didn't do so well being on alcohol the last 2 times we went out, so they thought I couldn't control myself and whatnot (completely ignoring the 2 other times where I was completely fine). We make up in the end, but they basically ice me out of the friend group, giving me no choice but to cut them off completely.
And so, here we are. After all that I really was already starting to feel pretty fucked up. No father, health, friends etc. But what really got me deep in depressing thoughts was the fact I was basically forced to enroll in some dipshit local college, which I was pretty much SPECIFICALLY trying to avoid. I simply can't fucking stand going to this same fucking town for 4 more fucking years after high school. It's like, at this point I have nothing to cling on to. Even my education, where I was pretty much a straight A (except we grade with numbers 1-5, so a 5) student throughout, which I thought would give me at least some form of agency over my life, has proven to be completely useless due to some bullshit, random factors outside my control.
TL:DR - I'm not really sure what to do. At this point, I just want someone to talk to, and not exactly some reactionary lib morons from 
. Basically, in my rural area, there really aren't any jobs except seasonal ones. So I would really like some help in that sense, especially in tech, since I'm already pretty deep in and I use linux pretty much everywhere (also reading Linux for beginners, but goddamn if I didn't start it like 3 times and never finished it, at least I kept notes last time so I can just catch up). Any help is sincerely appreciated. 
You're viewing a single thread.
I found going to a local tertiary education collage right out of highschool to be a really good experience, I met some really good people (and some shit people too!), and it was a chance to actually work out who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do. I hope you come to begrudgingly enjoy it like I did.
You're maybe in the USA so this might not be helpful, but you could have a look into free / accessible mental health care for younger people where you live, I know I got free counselling until I turned 26 that really helped me (if youre in australia I can give you some links)
Things dont necessarily get easier as you get older, but in my experience you get better at managing how you respond.
Life's tough, dont be too hard on yourself when you're struggling.
I hope you come to begrudgingly enjoy it like I did.
Well I doubt that. I mean ultimately even though this school sucks (like, half the pcs not working or having either a mouse or keyboard when the assignment is supposed to be done on them type of sucks), I think ultimately my quite apparent hatred for the college stems from the accumulation of all of the factors of the above, and also the fact that I gave all this effort for, in the end, pretty much fuck all. Like, I can't tell you how many times I stressed myself out over some of these fucking exams and grades, striving to get the best result every time, only to in the end realize that I could have landed in the same spot with half the effort. Literally would've been the same result if I just gave half the effort. In the end, I feel like I'm just refusing to play this fucking game. If I'm gonna do anything, it's gonna be alone, of my own volition at this point.
You're maybe in the USA so this might not be helpful, but you could have a look into free / accessible mental health care for younger people where you live
Yeah, no. As I already said in another comment, Eastern Europe, and mental healthcare is pretty much non-existent over here. Maybe in the capital, but again, don't really have the logistics for that.
Sorry I didnt see your other comment re you location.
I dont mean to sound patronizing or slinging you a 'just keep smiling buddy' message, but it feels like youre in a pretty ruminating negative spiral, honestly I think collage or similar will still be good, it brings a change in routine, and you will make more connections with people. I met some really inspiring teachers, i have a couple of close friends from school. There's silverlinings to be had.
I think relating to the effort you feel was wasted, its more about what youve learnt, and will be able to do kore effectively next time than a spot in a school you dont fancy. When I was in school we still were able to hand write assignments, but I understand the computer access is a killer.
Anyway sorry, I feel like I may seem like a pratt, I hope youre having a better day today.
Oh no, I definitely am in my own head, but yeah, I doubt that college is gonna work out anymore. As i said, it's obviously not the sole culprit, but it is the straw that broke the camels back. The college is pretty much an "upgraded" high school (but not really because my high school was actually better equipped with pcs and whatnot lol). Like I'm just fucking tired of all this shit. This country, these people, village, toxic and reactionary culture and environment etc. Since I have social anxiety it's honestly pretty hard to approach people anyways, and even if I do, there is pretty much zero stuff of note (for me), to talk about. I just feel like most of these people are shallow, don't really have their own opinions about anything, and are far away from actually discussing any real politics or really anything substantive. Maybe it's different in the west, but here people really love to have this kind of small talk where it feels like neither person is really interested in whatever the other person has to say. Stuff like asking you where you've been, who you've seen, if you've been going out to party or drink or have sex or whatever. Throw in rumors around your general family and social circle and boom, that's how 95% of conversations go here.
I mean at this point, I have only about 2 people whom I could honestly even consider friends. One guy is just the kind of classic, mostly shallow guy who just kind of nods his head along to everything I say, whom I mostly hang out with in cafes and such just to pass the time and whatnot. The other is an actually somewhat intelligent dude who, despite being kind of a religious reactionary at certain times (the classic behaviour here), is honestly pretty open to differing opinions and whatnot, and I can actually have a dialogue with him instead of just talking to the walls. But even with him, we don't really hang out in our village, but rather when me and him both travel to the town via bus. I mean, he also has his own problems (living with his father who is divorced, also now without a job), so I completely understand that he might not have the time for me. But at the end of the day, I really couldn't open up about anything in my personal life like I did in this post because I simply don't fucking trust anyone (probably the result of all the bullying and verbal abuse I've experienced in my life). Also, when I did open up that one time with the friend I ended up severing ties with, he told me: "Well maybe it's just that you think you have it the worst". Like, yeah, thank you for trying to trivialize my mental and physical anguish in my most vulnerable state you idiotic fuckwad.