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  • A Saga, by fruitsoftheape100.

    RUMBLE. RUMBLE.

    Time To Dip My Drink.

    [An image of a probuscus monkey with his head inside a watering bowl is shown.]

    (ELMER SUBMERGES HIS HEAD UNDERWATER AND CANNOT HEAR ANY RUMBLING; HE IS DIPPING HIS DRINK.)

    FROM THE UNCULTIVATED HEATH EMERGES THE SIZABLE STAFF SARGENT RUSSELL!, GLISTENING WITH LINSEED OIL AND GLISTENING IN THE AFTERNOON SUN.

    [An image of a monkey's head crudely photoshopped onto the body of an unreasonable buff and orange man.]

    "SLOVENLY UNCLE." spits STAFF SARGEANT RUSSEL! in disgust.

    [The previous image of Elmer dipping his drink is repeated.]

    STAFF SARGENT RUSSELL! HEAVES A BELLOW LIKE A THUNDER’S CLAP AND SLAPS THE DIPPING DECK WITH THE SPEED OF LIGHTNING AND THE FORCE OF A HURRICANE.

    [Image of a deck completely destroyed by some force of nature.]

    (UNCLE ELMER’S HEAD SNAPS UP TO ATTENTION.)

    [An image of probuscus monkey with brown globules of liquid dotting his face.]

    "Yes Sir Thank You Sir Just Dipping My Drink Sir"

    STAFF SARGENT RUSSELL! CLAPS A HAND ON ELMER’S SHOULDER.

    WORTHLESS, LAZY, SHAMELESS UNCLE - DIPPING YOUR DRINK AFTER THE NOONDAY SUN LIKE SOME SORT OF INFANT. WHAT IS THIS SLOP, YOU HEAP?

    "Yes Sir Thank You Sir Its Pepsi Sir Im Dip My Drink In Pepsi Sir"

    STAFF SARGENT RUSSELL! LOOKS PLEASED.

    AH, PEPSI. GOOD, THAT’S GOOD. GOOD STUFF. DON’T MIND IF I HAVE A TASTE.

    STAFF SARGENT RUSSELL! EXTENDS A FINGER OILED WITH THE GRISTLE OF LAMB DELISH AND DIPS IT BOISTEROUSLY INTO ELMER’S MOUTH AND EXTRACTS A PRECIOUS, GLISTENING DROP OF BROWN LIQUID.

    "Thank You Sir Wait Sir Please Sir Dont Eat That Sir...!"

    STAFF SARGENT RUSSELL! DIPS THE DRINK ONTO HIS OUTSTRETCHED TONGUE. HE SNORTS SUSPICIOUSLY AND SMACKS HIS LIPS ONCE, TWICE, THRICE…

    THIS IS MR. PIBB.

    THIS IS MR. PIBB.

    THIS IS MR. PIBB.

    Each repitition growing in size with his building rage.

    STAFF SARGENT RUSSELL! FORMS HIS FINGER INTO A FISHHOOK AND LIFTS ELMER UP BY THE CHEEK.

    GO IN THE WATER.

    GO IN THE WATER FOR A YEAR, YOU SHRUNKEN DOLLOP.

    STAFF SARGENT RUSSELL! HURLS ELMER WITH ALL OF HIS STRENGTH INTO THE SEA.

    ...SOME MONTHS LATER...

    [A picture of an orange monkey swimming in the waters.]

    "Im Swimming Away Away Away And Never Going Home

    This Damn Watter Pruning Me Up And Shrinking Me Up

    Ah But What Is That Over In The Distance LOL"

    [The monkey has reached a ship's ladder.]

    "A Little Ship - And Easy Pickings"

    [The moneky climbs aboard, a cigar in his mouth.]

    fin