Life's dumb.
Life's dumb.
Do people actually enjoy life? I've known, superficially, people that appear happy, but I have a suspicion it's all an elaborate act. Life's mundane, and boring. It's all the fucking same. Go anywhere on the planet, the people are all the same, doing all the same things, in slight variations.
Nature's an unimaginative joke. Clones of clones with variations. Much wow. Much spiraturality. Those giant rocks changed my life. That whale spoke to me personally. That tree healed me. Are people fucking serious? Are people so cognitively inept that being reminded that there's things outside themselves, alive or not, is a life affirming act?
I just want to disappear. The older I get the more dissapointed I become. There's nothing here that gives any sense of joy. Medication doesn't work. Therapies don't work. Self-aware life is hell. If anyone's happy or content their self-awareness must be sufficiently limited. Blah, blah, blah. Just rambling. I hate this. People who have children are the worst.
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I really feel this. I have good days - intermittently - but right now, overwhelmingly, life is just not worth it. but I have a wonderful partner, and two gorgeous little fur babies, who both male things a little bit more bearable and also give me an incentive to stick around... a little longer.
one day at a time.
right now my job is just awful, though, causes me debilitating anxiety which apparently may be causing me a trauma response. it's hard to handle, but there's the prospect of a docent job that I might handle better coming up next week.
I'm in a similar situation to you with my wife, dog, and cat. I just quit pharmacy school because I couldn't take it anymore and now I don't know what direction to go in. I totally get OP as well, I've had to be told many times by my wife and others that people do genuinely like life and that I just can't understand that because I'm depressed, but meds sure ain't helping. I can't seem to get over the utilitarian algebra of how [good/pleasure]-[bad/pain]>0 could possibly be true, if you know what I mean. Which is funny because I'm not even a utilitarian, but for myself it somehow applies.
Good luck getting that new job.