Trying to sneak in your special interest of the moment
Trying to sneak in your special interest of the moment
Cross-post from the inactive !aspiememes@kbin.social
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Female masker here, introvert, with social / performance / “being perceived” anxiety, etc. Undiagnosed, waiting for assessment appointment (1 year + wait in my area).
So, I feel absolutely no need (and often like I don’t have the ability) to share my special interests. I don’t know if it’s because of my naturally withdrawn tendencies or due to socialization. I’ve been told I never stopped talking as a kid, but I have very little memory of what that felt like (even though I have some vivid memories of the things that happened around me at that time). I do feel an intense need to engage in my special interests - usually sneaking in 30 minutes over breakfast and lunch because I’m too drained by the end of a work day to engage in anything but dragging myself through essential adult life maintenance until I go to sleep. I get depressed and bored when I can’t fit it in. I get deep satisfaction and enjoyment from learning and engaging in my interests, but it’s entirely an internal experience. It has come up many times in my life that people feel I’m “not passionate” about anything. I struggle with communicating in any kind of coherent / knowledgeable / excited way even about things that fascinate me and that I have this whole internal scaffolding of understanding around.
I also have a terrible memory for specifics, which is why I called knowing about something “having internal scaffolding of understanding around”. It’s like … when people talk about my special interests, I very often understand and “know” the things they’re saying already, but the specific details, facts, etc. needed to verbally discuss the subjects on the spot just aren’t there in my mind when I reach for them. I’m much, much, MUCH more comfortable in the slow, controlled world of writing.
This is one of the big things that makes me doubt my self-diagnosis. It seems so universal among the autistic people I’ve encountered in real life and on social media that they’re like bursting to share their information and they struggle with not steamrolling over other people in conversations about their interests.
As I’m writing this, I’m having an a-ha moment about the fact that I have seen and heard and encountered these people specifically because they are the types of people who are expressive and socially out-going, who are bursting to share what they’re learning. I only see them because they’re the only ones who make themselves seem.
I want to say I want to connect more with other introverted autistic people, but I also struggle with socializing with people who are quiet like me. I feel an anxious need to fill the silence and like one of us is suppose to be the “fun” one. I usually socially exist by hiding among hilarious, creative extroverts who like an audience.
It could be that you have developed a form of autistic mutism or social anxiety due to previous experiences. It could be quite helpful to seek a professional evaluation followed by therapy.
I’m on it, but have to wait a year for the assessment. I have a counsellor, but they don’t specialize in autism or assessments. When I told them I suspect I have it, they basically just acknowledged that I was seeking an assessment and changed the subject. It’s hard to navigate processing this kind of new self knowledge alone, but I’m finding lots of helpful info online.
Also, what you said about assuming other people wouldn’t be interested is definitely a part of it for me due to a lifetime of having niche interests. Or sometimes I’ll also just assume that everyone knows the things I know, so it’s not worth bringing up. Many times I’ve heard people say things in conversation that other people around them are wowed / fascinated by and in my head I’m like “I knew that thing and also could have said that, but just assumed it was common knowledge and not worth discussing”. It’s like I just don’t have a good sense of which of the things I know would of interest or use to other people, so I just don’t say anything. Or that I lack enough self-esteem to think that my thoughts would be of value to other people if they don’t seem particularly novel or impressive or useful to me.
I’m finding lots of helpful info online
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Regarding the 2nd paragraph, that sounds difficult. Perhaps you haven't found your people yet since it seems like you don't flow with them well. Have you tried finding groups of autistic people? I find that I flow well around autistic people, whereas I have more difficulty with allistic people since they are operating on another wavelength with different assumptions, expectations, and goals.
Your comment resonates with me, I find I also have no desire to share my special interests with anyone. For me I think it is because they are my special interests, and I feel that nobody else could possibly be interested in that, so why even bring it up?
That is, until somebody else brings it up. Like "hey man do you know anything about mechanical keyboards?" Then prepare your body, I will not stop talking to you about that for the next two weeks.
… I have a modded K2V2 with Boba U4T’s and PBT caps. Mechanical keyboards are a sensory delight!
I can relate 100% to what you've said, except that I used to also be mostly non communicative as a child.
I have a lot of self esteem issues, which is also most likely why I don't share much with others, unless they are talking about very specific genres of music that I like. Most of the time though my brain is so foggy feeling, and in a jumble that I find it hard to form coherent sentences. The anxiety doesn't help with that. Growing up I'd also hide among creative extroverts, but now I have 2 people I can call friends, I ditched the rest of them when I realised how toxic they were.
I've met other autistic people, but never spent enough time with them to become friends. If you ever want to talk then feel free to message me.