Depressed Husband
Depressed Husband
My husband is clearly depressed. He is also a proud man, and some degree of old-fashioned. I am 4 years younger than him, and am far more open to the idea of therapy and medication.
For context, he has dealt with his dad (whom he was close with) committing suicide when he was a teenager, a long-term girlfriend (whom he really wanted to marry) cheating on him with multiple men (including a good friend at the time) for years, and his best friend of 10 years (my brother) dying in a rafting accident that we were both part of. I've been struggling personally myself, but I have a few different things I'm trying, including therapy. He is unwilling to try therapy or medication, but isn't getting better, cause holy shit, that's a lot of unprocessed shit to deal with.
It's manifesting in really nasty ways, and hurting both of us. I don't think he means the things he says; I think he's hurting a lot and doesn't know what to do.
For what it's worth, I really have not been great to him or myself. I've been dealing with my own emotional baggage, but I'm not going to get into that. I'm working on it, and feel like after many years of work, have come through a breakthrough where I understand that I do in fact want this person in my life.
How can I help guide him to anything that will help him? Doesn't need to be therapy, medication, or a psychiatrist. Those do seem like the obvious answers, but I'm open to virtually any suggestions.
This man is amazing and a wonderful person, but he's really struggling and doesn't seem to want help, but at the same time, seems like he needs/wants help. Any thoughts?
Edit: I'm really touched by all of the thoughtful responses I've received. I don't like to talk about my marital issues with people in my life, and I know my husband wouldn't want others to know what he's struggling with. This is a great community.
I'm slowly working my way through each response. Seriously - thank you all.
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It's really difficult to get someone to seek help or accept help. Even more so with depression.
Maybe he sees himself in a pit with no way out and doesn't believe therapy can help him. Maybe he's too depressed to become active on his own accord...
I'd say people like that sometimes need an outside perspective. Have a talk and make sure he realizes the situation he's in. Maybe he doesn't care enough about himself to do anything about it. But he may very well care about you and how it's weighing you down. So I'd try to explain that... How you feel. How it's affecting you and the relationship. What you'd like to be different. I'd say don't judge/argue or push him. In the end that won't work. The decision needs to come from him.
And I'd concentrate on your side of the story. Make it about you and your perspective, less about him. You don't need to tell him your analysis... Some people don't like being analyzed. And I'd say if he's intelligent, he can figure out the connections by himself. So tell him your perspective on him and the both of you and your emotions. And maybe give him some time to make up his mind and get to a conclusion.
You can also offer help, tell him you like him and make it easy for him. E.g. offer to make the first appointment for him. Recommend your doctor to him. Or ask him if he wants to hear how a therapy session works and how it helps you.
Obviously I'm not an expert so don't take my opinion as proper advice. And I'm missing parts of the story... For example: Has he changed? Was he different at some point? Or did you come to the conclusion he needs therapy because you changed or some external factor happened? Also are you able to communicate well about emotions? Does he have any other people who he listens to, that can provide him with their perspective?
(Or maybe he needs to take a different path. I've listened to a few podcasts about depression or emotional wellbeing. I suppose there are also good books about the topic... I mean the hardest thing is getting things going. I'm sure it'll get easier after that, the question is just how to get to the point to do the first step.)
He has changed, but so have I. Been together for 7.5 years and married for 3.5. We both came into this relationship with a lot of emotional baggage, and 2 months after he proposed to me, my brother drowned to death during a rafting accident we were both part of. My husband and other brother almost died that day, but I was able to pick up my other brother in my raft and flag down help in time for my husband and us. It could've been a lot worse. But we still lost my older brother whom we were all 3 very close with. He was going to be the best man at our wedding. We didn't find his body right away. We spent the next 2.5 days after the accident searching for his dead body on foot along the coast of the lake, until his body finally floated up to the top of the lake - not 20 ft from where i had picked up my other brother. My husband couldn't help because of a severe viral infection he was fighting for having swallowed too much lake water while trying to survive.
This was extremely hard to deal with and process for a lot of reasons, and we almost didn't make it as a couple. I could feel the shift after several months. Took me that long because it was all too much for me to handle. By then, we both had said and done a lot of hurtful things in our grief.
As a couple, we have not historically communicated well emotionally (because of individual emotional baggage + collective trauma). However, we have come a long way, and are significantly better today. But we still have a ways to go.
One of the big struggles is that he doesn't have other people that he trusts like that, so he just doesn't open up unless it's with me, and he certainly doesn't always open up with me. It's not my preference that he only opens up to me, but it's a product of a few factors, and I know he's not happy about it either. Just not sure what to do about it.
Oh wow. I don't know what to say... I can see how that'd mess you up. I'm not sure if that's something a person can even cope with, without any professional help. I think all things aside (you, your relationship, other trauma from the past...) just this severe accident and the serious trauma that goes along with it is clearly enough to talk to a professional and get help to even begin processing it properly.
Some more reasoning: I think most people agree that bottling it all up isn't a healthy strategy in the long run. Maybe your husband can agree to that. And opening up to you is nice and the right thing to do, but I suppose in the end you're not an expert and don't have the means and background to provide him with tools to handle severe trauma. Talking to a professional is probably unavoidable.
And he shouldn't have a false/unhealthy pride/ego and stubbornness... People tend to treat therapy differently... But in the end he should ask himself if he'd go to a doctor if he were to break his leg. And if that's any different to this situation. He's also been in an accident, just that his main injury isn't a physical one. But still, it's an injury and there's doctors specialized on that. And not every injury heals by itself. Plus, it's not his fault he ended up in that situation (which could be a reason to think it's also his business to deal with it on his own.) Instead it was an external factor happening to him, and there's no shame in needing external help with things that are beyond our control.
I can see how that'd weigh down on your relationship. Glad you made it. And it must have been hard for you since you had to deal with it yourself and were right in the middle of it all. That's not a comfortable situation to also handle relationship issues and how other people experience grief. You needed to grieve yourself, deal with the situation, somehow make sense of it, get your life back... and that's bound to take months or years. From your text, I'd conclude you made some progress in the meantime, because you're now in a place where you're able to focus on your relationship and your desire is to also help him.
he doesn't have other people that he trusts like that, so he just doesn't open up unless it's with me [...]
I can fully empathize with that. That description also fits me very well. I don't know why, but somehow it's really really hard to open up about the real emotions, innermost fears and desires. I see how some other people can speak about their feelings, or just talk to friends and get their advise on relationship issues (which we all have.) But somehow I can't. I'm better at opening up to my partner, and I put some effort in to learn how to do it right. But still: It's hard. Some people suggest it has something to do with being a man, and the cultural expectations and stereotypes that go along with that. Some people also suggest it has to do with upbringing and if you learned that in early life... I don't have an answer to that. I've had a nice childhood, understanding and open parents and siblings. I don't have any issues with my manliness... Still I struggle to talk about my innermost feelings, even with the person I value and respect the most.
I really hope you can figure out a way. I think the analogy with going to a doctor when you're physically injured is a valid one. That's the argument on a rational level. And I'd also include the emotional level. Speaking from my perspective, difficulty to express own feelings doesn't mean you're unable to fully empathize when it's the other way around. To me it matters a lot if my partner says something is affecting her. Or she thinks I'm doing something wrong or I need to work on myself. And it's a different thing when it's about emotions than when we're arguing on a factual level. It doesn't always lead to change. Sometimes I'm unable to escape who I am, even if I wanted to. But I think the (emotional) arguments get through to me more than she thinks. Ultimately we're all humans and have our individual limitations. And our partners need to accept us including those. But you seem to at least need an explanation what's holding him back and why he wouldn't get treatment for his mental injuries. And if he sees your perspective on that.
(Maybe there are a few other tricks, depending on personality. For some people it's easier to write something down than to talk about it. If that's the issue.)