Elon’s double nothingburger: robotaxis any year now, bro. And robots, bro. Trust us, bro.

Anthony Levandowski (the Waymo guy) on the robot cabs: "You’re putting the power back into the people’s hands, where a small business owner could have, you know, a fleet of 10 cars or 20 cars that they run themselves as their business. It’s a great model for the future where it’s lots of mom and pops, rather than one mega corp that does that.”

Because that is EXACTLY what will happen and it will absolutely NOT be the case that megacorps will simply do exactly what megacorps do and flood cities with robotaxis running at a loss in order to control the market and then jack up prices. No siree, it'll be all Mom and Pop's Friendly Robotaxi Company.

finger curls on the monkey paw

Inspiring! Mom and Pop have started a small business and are now franchisees of Megacorp Robotaxi. After financing and purchasing a fleet of cars, they can enjoy a steady and reliable income while only having to take care of vehicle maintenance, autopilot software license fees, accounting, possible municipal taxi licensing and other legal and clerical duties and liabilities of running a business.

Thanks to Megacorp Robotaxi's excellent reputation and customer loyalty and not at all because Megacorp Robotaxi has a de facto monopoly on taxi business, Mom and Pop are not worried about the competition, save for maybe some friendly and good-natured rivalry with other proud franchisees of the Megacorp Robotaxi family.
- You forgot to mention that Mom and Pop also benefit from their fleet being linked exclusively to the Robocharge(tm) charging network, which provides reliable charging 24/7 for a simple convenience fee of 25% on top of the local power company's grid rate.
Rejoice, peon! For you have been BLESSED. Our RNG has deemed you are WORTHY to LEASE the chariot of your LORD, the WYMH McUltra Car.
And even if that were true ... There's nothing virtuous about small businesses and I'm just aghast at this inane petit bourgeois vision for the future instead of, you know, actual public infrastructure.
- It's car dealerships, but for rentals.

I liked in his presentation how he mentioned how bad LA traffic was and how it takes hours to cross the city, then didn't mention how all these robo taxis, if they ever become a thing, would just exacerbate the problem.

"Oh but while you wait in the deadlock traffic you can be on your phone instead of paying attention and stressing out" yeah, but I can also already do that on a bus / train and those actually help to alleviate traffic.

Sure, but you might have to sit next to a poor.

I know im a big nerd but "Musk also presented the Optimus robot, your plastic pal who’s fun to be with — “your own personal R2-D2, C-3PO!”.

Why would I need an astromech droid Musk? At least a GNK droid provides power. Stupid sexy gonk droid.

Don't have much use for a protocol droid either.
- What I really need is a droid who speaks the binary language of moisture vaporators.
- We have a protocol droid at home, it's called curl.
- Considering the important parts of that, aka the languages can be done by your phone sure. But it would at least have a minimal use. R2 d2 needs special attachments to serve drinks.
  
  The cybertray, competitively priced at 4000$ and the reported risk of it breaking when wet is fairly minimal.

Woah Elon invented busses, but worse! What a genious! Hopefully my city now stops investing in public transport immediately so we can wait for this cool thing to become market ready! /s

Robobuses running down the Vegas Hyperloop, forever
- can it even fit a robovan? the thing barely fits the cars it was designed for, and I wouldn’t put it past musk to forget his past failed shit or assume it can easily be expanded when it can’t

To the surprise of no-one: the robots were just mechanical turks.

https://jalopnik.com/teslas-beer-serving-optimus-robot-was-controlled-by-a-h-1851670923

It's like the behind-the-scenes of the making of a product has become the product and there isn't anything else after it

Coming soon*: the thing we already said was coming soon, only worse in every way! No steering wheel! No charging port! One seat for you and one seat for your faceless robot "friend"!

Wait wait where are you going investors?! We have also designed a worse bus!

*

Certain statements in this presentation, including, but not limited to, statements relating to the development, strategy, ramp, production and capacity, demand and market growth, cost, pricing and profitability, investment, deliveries, deployment, availability and other features and improvements and timing of existing and future Tesla products and services; statements regarding operating margin, operating profits, spending and liquidity; and statements regarding expansion, improvements and/or ramp and related timing at our factories are "forward-looking statements" within the meaning of the Private Securities Litigation Reform of 1995. Forward-looking statements are based on assumptions with respect to the future, are based on management's current expectations, involve certain risks and uncertainties, and are not guarantees. Future results may differ materially from those expressed in any forward-looking statement. The following important factors, without limitation, could cause actual results to differ materially from those in the forward-looking statements: the risk of delays in launching and or manufacturing our products, services, and features cost-effectively; our ability to build and/or grow our products and services, sales, delivery, installation, servicing and charging capabilities and effectively manage this growth; consumers' demand for products and services based on artificial intelligence, robotics and automation, electric vehicles, and ride-hailing services generally and our vehicles and services specifically, as well as our ability to successfully and timely develop, introduce, and scale such products and services; the ability of suppliers to deliver components according to schedules, prices, quality and volumes acceptable to us, and our ability to manage such components effectively; any issues with lithium-ion cells or other components manufactured at our factories; our ability to ramp our factories in accordance with our plans; our ability to procure supply of battery cells, including through our own manufacturing; risks relating to international expansion; any failures by Tesla products to perform as expected or if product recalls occur; the risk of product liability claims; competition in the automotive, transportation, and energy product and services markets; our ability to maintain public credibility and confidence in our long-term business prospects; our ability to manage risks relating to our various product financing programs; the status of government and economic incentives for electric vehicles and energy products; our ability to attract, hire and retain key employees and qualified personnel; our ability to maintain the security of our information and production and product systems; our compliance with various regulations and laws applicable to our operations and products, which may evolve from time to time; risks relating to our indebtedness and financing strategies; and adverse foreign exchange movements. More information on potential factors that could affect our financial results is included from time to time in our Securities and Exchange Commission filing and reports, including the risks identified under the section captions "Risk Factors" in our annual report on Form 10-K filed with the SEC on January 26, 2024 and subsequent quarterly reports on Form 10-Q. Tesla disclaims any obligation to update information contained in these forward-looking statements whether as a result of new information, future events or otherwise.

That disclaimer looks hilariously terrible, but it's pretty standard. For all his bluster about the SEC, Musk speaks securities law compliant hype fluently. Listen closely and you'll notice all his future hype statements are carefully hedged and thoroughly fall within the bounds of "forward looking statement".

also why does he think people will take on his "wacky" pronunciation of "Robovan" to rhyme with "gas oven"? I generally leave actually listening to Musk's live ramblings to the professionals but damn, this guy is a terrible public speaker. Has his schtick always consisted mostly of awkward pauses and ers and ums or is this a new thing?

Has his schtick always consisted mostly of awkward pauses and ers and ums or is this a new thing?

Yes that always was his thing. Some people rationalize it to themselves by going 'he is such a genius his head has so many ideas he struggles to express them'. I think he might have adhd.
- I think he might have adhd.
  
  Oh no, I don't think we're ready for him to start mythologizing autism + ADHD.
  
  Watching my therapist pull up Musk facts on his phone for 40 minutes going "bro check this out you're just like him frfr" the moment he learned I was autistic was enough for me. Please god don't let musk start talking about hyperfocusing.

I know we're on the cusp of a cool Jetsons future. Why are there so many idiots in the way of progress? Fake research papers flooding the educational system, megalomaniacal infantile "accidental" billionaires running the show.

I'm convinced we as humans are doomed to forever "Forrest Gump" our way forward.

I'm convinced he pronounced robovan the way he did because he was advised on the social media engagement technique of dropping deliberate mistakes in your videos

it feels so much like he’s reaching for… something? from nerd culture and missing the mark so much it’s unrecognizable. my brain went to the old RedLetterMedia review where they kept pronouncing “geteven” as one word, but like… musk, buddy, you’re the one who insisted on naming it a robovan, this doesn’t work

and speaking of reaching for nerd culture and missing, “your own personal R2D2 C-3PO” is exactly how my mom would describe a robot after a bit too much wine, and it’s really embarrassing it’s this easy to pander to nerds
- it feels so much like he’s reaching for… something? from nerd culture and missing the mark so much it’s unrecognizable.
  
  so much this when he said the "future should look like the future" and this art deco style roach rolls out

just a south african ass clown

And his personal hygiene is . . . beyond reproach.

Don't worry, by the time they're on the road Trump Social will own GoogleMetaXFlix and you can read all the news about how they don't explode and catch on fire all the time and are super reliable cars! Welcome to Costco, I love you.

50,000 gallons of water to put out 1 Tesla Semi that caught on fire bro, thats lit!

I mean as long as all the passengers can escape from the flames in time and the manufacturer didn't do something silly like use "bulletproof" glass for the windshields or make the regular door handles inoperable without power. Haha but surely no one would design a car that way!

Robot Butlers, I'm pretty sure the Orville showed us how that turns out