I'm tired of not having friends

I really struggle to make friends and being an adult trying to make friends is even worse than when I was a kid in school.

It appeared that I had made a friend but they turned out to be kinda toxic. I made mistakes too but I never tried to hurt them or manipulate them. They've made me feel like they're embarrassed to know me. Like our friendship had to be a secret.

Now, I finally managed piss them off that they don't want to talk to me anymore. Part of me is glad but part of me feels lonely. Very lonely.

I've been in a long distance relationship for quite some time now and we are waiting for her to finish school next spring before we move in together. It's difficult for me to think that's really going to happen. She reassures me often that it will.

I should be happy with that but nothing beats seeing a friend face-to-face regularly and talking to each other.

I feel sad and lonely and selfish. I don't want to hurt myself but I do kinda wish I was dead.