What else you got, Lemmy?

Having to listen to that one family member complain about their job and they tell you that it won't work when you give them the simple solution.

The bimetallic strip in your rice cooker is always slightly off no matter how much you fiddle with it.
You're always stuck behing a tractor on small roads.
Your text editor randomly uses a whitespace character whenever you press space.
Everything is lighted with slightly old fluorescent tubes.
Obviously pointless deskwork and frequent sync meetings that always include non technical stakeholders.
Everyone sleeps on wonky old futons that haven't been properly maintained.
Food deserts.
Everyone lives in old non sound insulated krushchevkas with loud neighbours.
The landscape is an infinitely repeated template of an excessively concretised city.
Constant warm overcast weather with high humidity and still wind.
Everyone is always slightly sleep deprived.
The water is always slightly too chlorinated and it doesn't evaporate.
- I have so many ideas!
  Constant slight cheese and urea smell.
  One of your nostrils is always stuffed. They switch regularly.
  The only available tea is British. (sorry I hate bland black tea and bergamot)
  No hot meals.
  All cuttlery is either sporks or Korean chopsticks.
  All cooking knives are dull.
  The only available cooking methods are microwaves with dead zones and induction stoves with long cycles.
  Spices are forbidden.
  Everyone is left handed with specifically right handed tools.
  Everyone has ADHD. Medication is unavailable.
  Light itch that moves.
  Everyone needs glasses. They're always greasy and the correction is slightly off.
  Everyone has a small bladder and there are always queues in front of restrooms. That might explain the smell.
  Everyone is on a sliding/rolling schedule.
  Non skipable ads are backed in physical objects.
  Shoes are all a size off.
  
  Here we go again.
  All video content is in a language you don't fully understand and with slightly unsynched subtitles.
  People always mispronounce your name.
  All interior floors and walls are covered in dirty carpeting with burn marks.
  Chairs creak when you move.
  Ingrown nails.
  Light psoriasis.
  Windows Vista is the only available operating system. Phones use the regular UI. Computers are locked using the Windows 8.0 UI.
  All touchscreens function as if you were using thin gloves.
  Keyboards have a 10% chance to repeat or ignore the last character you typed.
  Computers crash whenever you're progressing writing an essay.
  Randomly organized huge everything stores.
  Frequent houseflies that walk all over you.
  You have to make phonecalls. The sound randomly interrupts and a few times when you try to repeat.
  All pens are cheap ballpoints with ink issues.
  Tinnitus.
  Dead pixels on screens.
  Conv calls always have someone with speakers and a malfunctioning microphone that lets you hear a garbled version of what you just said with a one second delay.
  Code documentation was never invented. Your job is to pay technical debt on random projects.
  An annoying relative is narrating your life.
  Stereo sound fluctuates in intensity between both sides.
  Slightly stale American bread is the only kind available.

All gum sold has been chewed already

No matter how often you cut your fingernails, they are always just too long and there is always dirt under them.
One of the keys of your password to start the computer doesn't work, but it's always a different one each time.
Every time you want to take a nap, there's a leaf blower starting under your window.

You saw that cord you needed yesterday and now you can't find it in any drawer or closet.
Tomorrow you need a different cord to perpetuate the cycle.

You're very tired nodding off and keep rereading the same page of a book over and over

You can never seem to remember where you parked your car and you wander a parking garage for eternity

The soap dispenser is always nearly empty, but squirts just enough to be useful if you pump it a bunch.
- The faucet has some sort of sensor and it takes you at least five attempts of waving your hands in front of it before a faint stream of water comes out... for 0.1 seconds.

in heck you have to travel everywhere by car. and there’s always traffic.
just woke up and want to brush your teeth? that’s gonna be a 15 minute drive to the bathroom. watching tv and want to take a break to get a snack? 20 minute drive to the kitchen. want to go to the supermarket to pick up some more milk? 40 minute drive, round trip.
- idk man it just sounds like America
- And the car's stereo is broken.
  
  the stereo is stuck on the christian rock station. even worse.

Every toilet clogs and overflows the water

No email or chat. All work communication are through scheduled face to face meetings.

The first circle of heck is for people who listen to media in public without headphones. They shall walk through life with lots of AV media available to them, but the soundtrack never matches the video.
The second circle of heck is for the people who take up two parking spaces. They are damned to a place where they all have shittier cars than everyone else forever.
The third circle of heck is for people who pull fire alarms as pranks. They may live their lives as normal, except sometimes a loud noise will happen and they will be taken outside the building and drowned with a fire hose for awhile. Forever.
The fourth circle of heck is for programmers who don't document their code. They will be stranded in a country whose language they have no way of learning.
The fifth circle of heck is for Toyota engineers. For the sin of putting the oil filter directly underneath the exhaust manifold, they shall have the skin of the back of their hands blowtorched off a few times a day, every day.
The sixth circle of heck is for the people who just can't get out of the way at the grocery store. All of the delicious food they could ever want is buried 5 miles deep, and they are equipped with oven mitts on their hands for digging.
The seventh circle of heck is for people who modify their cars to have loud exhausts, get a dog that barks at all hours of the day, etc. They live normal lives, but they can hear the Sun.
- Holy fuck, that last one is evil. Totally deserved.
- Also, I'm reminded of Billy Joel's "Blonde Over Blue"
  In hell there's a big hotel
  where the bar just closed and the windows never open
  no phone so you can't call home
  And the TV works, but the clicker is broken
  
  Giving me Hotel California vibes

You can never get rid of that last dribble of poo

Coldplay on repeat with a scratched CD burner from a low 96k bitrate MP3.
- If you go, if you go
  And leave me down here on my own
  Then I'll wait for you, yeah
- We're in Heck, not in Heaven
  
  Freak.

You have to use AI as an intermediary to speak to anyone.

Every time you eat something, some food getd stuck in your teeth and you can't get it out for hours.
Washing dishes, the cloth is always dirty
Every time you undo your seatbelt, the belf doesn't retract properly and you have to fiddle with it for ages, if you try getting out of the car you just get tangled in it
- You can only use an old sponge that can't hold water anymore

Every meal you eat results in popcorn lodged in between your teeth regardless of what you eat
- And you can never find a toothpick for an eternity of searching

When washing your hands, water always is running into your sleeve.
- And if you don’t wash your hands after using the toilet, your hands will be covered in Doritos dust for a day no matter what.
  
  That's when you need to use The Cleaner.
  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MRV8mFWwtS4
- Satan? Is that you?

I think perhaps you could build an entire community around this premise.
My list, FWIW:
Sinks in public washrooms either don’t turn on when you put your hand under it, or only turns on when you pull your hands away.
The other lane always moves faster.
Everyone is always, always clearing their throats.
- Please, make this. I have too many communities, or I would

Every month, you have to give a large proportion of your income to someone who owns 40 houses and you have to go through them to get anything in the house fixed. Every time you attempt to do that, they will complain and potentially buy some white paint, even if it is a plumbing issue.
- Easy there, Satan, they said a lighter version of hell.
- building guillotine
  I'm already in heck, what are they gonna do to me?

Every show you ever watch will be really interesting and engaging ending on a giant season 1 cliffhanger and will be canceled never having a followup episode.
- TIL Netflix runs Heck.
  
  Slightly related, Netflix has a show called Exploding Kittens that runs vaguely on this premise.
  ~~whether 🏴‍☠️ is involved or not is none of my business~~
- RIP “The Society”

Toasters either barely warm up the bread, or completely carbonize it.

Your pillow is always warm on both sides
- I live in a place where it can hit -40… for most of the year, that’s heckven

Nobody chews with their mouth closed, and you aren’t allowed to eat by yourself
- I dunno, for me this is legit Hell.

You always get ketchup water when applying ketchup, regardless if someone used it before you or if you've shaken the bottle.
- I get mustard water, every damned time.

Everybody's really nice, but they're super into virtuosic prog rock and won't shut up about it.
- Duuuuuude! You gotta check out Animals As Leaders tho! They’re prog metal, so they’re like, totally different than the stuff you’ve heard!
  
  Ooh let's talk djent. Periphery's first album was incredible, but only the instrumental version. The vocals were annoying.

Every floor and piece of furniture will be made of wood and randomly (and nearly always at the worst times) you will get splinters that you cant remove from your skin.

Whenever you talk, someone interrupts.
Lunchroom conversations are all politics, all the time.
You always finish your snacks while thinking there's one more handful.
Your sister-in-law is eternally staying for a few days.
They're never chocolate chips. They're always raisins.
- They're never chocolate chips. They're always raisins.
  This is dangerously close to Hell territory.

Every fart is a gamble
- This is my normal life.
  
  Welcome to Heck.
  
  Rubber undies. It doesn't really help with the mess, but the farts sound funnier

A single ear bud is always violently yanked out of one ear just before your favorite part of the song. There are no wireless earbuds, just the old cheapy wired kind with those black, foamy covers.

Heck only has public toilets.
The stall door squeaks really loud.
The gaps between the door and the wall are nearly half an inch.
There's always skid marks in the bowl and the last person didn't flush.
There's piss dribbles on the seat.
The toilet paper dispenser gives out individual sheets by cranking a knob on the side.
The knob is hard to turn, and sticky.
There's a small puddle of piss on the floor between your feet where you drop your dacks.
You are only wearing socks because shoes are illegal in heck.
You have 4 minutes each day to do your poos.
They allocate your poo schedule, not you.
If you go over your allocated time, the floor opens up and you fall into actual hell.
In actual hell, you only get 2 minutes a day on the toilet.
- The individual sheets are that shitty 2-ply that separates into 1-ply that's a nanometer thick and basically transparent.
  Your finger always goes through. Every time.
  The toilet water splashes you with precision accuracy in the anus. Every time.
  Also it's not just a half-inch crack in the stall door, but someone keeps jiggling the handle and peeking, still standing there when you come out.
  
  There's also no ventilation and it's super hot and humid in there, so it smells like a pissy rainforest and you sweat in the 40 C air so much that the toilet paper turns to mush when you wipe your sweat-drenched crack.

You are perpetually stuck at a 4 way stop sign and no one will go, as everyone is waving everyone else to go first.
- Standard fare in the uk already, here we'd be going round and round the roundabout, never able to exit.

You can never understand what people say but immediately process it after asking "what?".

You have to live with a dog that doesn't like pets / pats.
- So, a cat?
  
  My cat loves pets... but he chooses when.
  
  So, been in Heck long?

All your favorite games are there but now require a Microsoft account, and will ask you if you want to log in automatically everytime despite you checking the "don't ask me again" box. They'll also gradually keep asking for more personal information (phone number, second email address, age, address, fingerprint, face) and lock you out of your account everytime you refuse "to protect you".
- Drink verification can to continue

When cooking, everything is always undercooked, until it's suddenly overcooked.
- When cleaning your room, you always miss one spot.
  
  Whenever you think of a clever comeback to something somebody said, the moment you said it you think of a better comeback.

You can get used to anything. All of these suggestions that start with "everytime" will be changed to "sometimes." Because it's the hope that kills ya.

Windows update on boot
Chewy scissors
This site doesn't support Firefox
- Windows update on boot
  I think Satan should save this one for the Hell.
- "Optimized for Internet Explorer 7.0!"

any time you're just about to fall asleep you have a 51% chance of hearing a mosquito fly past your ear
- No! This is straight up Hell material, not Heck!
- And your dreams all start with you trying to fall asleep and there’s a 51% chance of hearing a mosquito fly past your ear. If it happens, you wake up immediately

Infinite phone tree - Any choice takes you to the next menu tree but 50% chance to take you back to the start. The second menu tree just leads to an infinite array of phone menu trees, each with a 50% chance to go back to the beginning.
Or,
The land moves around at random. Your house (and everyone elses) might be somewhere one day, and in an hours time it's somewhere else. Good luck making a map.
- I imagine the infinite phone tree could be like getting to the “Philosophy” page on Wikipedia. No matter which branch you take, you’re bound to end up in a massive loop that eventually brings you back to the start menu.

Every device you have will stuck in a boot loop forever.
- More like it gets stuck in a boot loop 60% of the time, your devices are always crashing and this seems to happen at the moments when you most need them

Everything glares and your eyes hurt. It also smells constantly of BO and is uncomfortably warm. There is a tinnitus drone on the edge of your hearing. Everyone mumbles. You constantly forget why you came into the room. Food all tastes of cardboard and your scalp itches most of the time. You get cramp in your hands and feet at inopportune times.
- I am become heck forgetter of the rest of this line.
- Older. You’re getting older. Heck can wait.
- Wait a minute
- Sounds like mondays!
- That's called aging.

Every scratch ticket is a winner, but the prize is always less than the cost of the scratch ticket.

You always pick the slowest line to queue in
The chance of you biting your cheek is 51% each time you eat and you are guaranteed to keep biting the same place for max recovery time
Every charging cable you use has a loose connection that isn’t evident until later when you need to use your device and the battery is dead

Your pillow is always warm. But never enough to be comfortable.
When you sweat, your skin feels too cool too quick but you keep sweating.
You master power naps with falling asleep fast and waking up 20 minutes after. You're always left destructively groggy.
Your sock's seam is just thick enough to brush against your toe.
Your elbow feels like you need to crack it for relief. It. Just. Won't. Crack.
You're an adult and act like it.
You have a mildly odd feeling in your stomach at all times—sometimes it flares up and you're somewhat concerned you're going to be nauseated.
You hear the waiters cackle, shortly after you told the one serving you "you, too." When you push your silly paranoia away, you see the group pointing your way and laughing again.
No matter what you do, you simply cannot find the right way to sit or lie.

The lid of the pickle jar in the back of the fridge will always be loose.

Your beer always has that weird metallic penny taste.
- Blood? You have blood in your beer? Are you a Klingon?
  
  Qapla!
- Blood in your beer?!
  
  Lol, usually means a dirty line

The blanket is always in the wrong direction.
Your drinking water always tastes a bit off.
Your bank makes mistakes all the time.
Every time you begin to like an item it's mostly sold out.
Your social contacts forget what they said so they start anew often.
The weather forecasts are always way off.
When your glasses get fogged, they get fogged unevenly.
- Every time you begin to like an item it's mostly sold out.
  Or outright discontinued. This actually happens to me in life all the damn time.

You get papercuts way more often.
Also that little splinter gets under your nail way more often too.

Right as you get comfortable in bed, you can't remember whether you left something out of the fridge or started the dishwasher.
- My wife makes me turn around and come home to be sure she unplugged the iron and/or turned off the stove.
- You can never remember if you set your alarm
  
  Thanks, mine was off.
  
  And that's how I'm constantly asking, "Hey Google, what time is my alarm set for?"

Infinite data entry
- ....with forms that block copy/paste.
  
  Sathan has entered the chat.

Tinnitus
- I think that's reserved for actual Hell.

After you sneeze, the need to burp or fart raises greatly. You also don't have control over which one will happen.
- As someone who's done all three at once involuntarily, the body responds by hiccoughing.
- (Or what comes out!)

You get to have your entire music playlist, but every song slowly shifts in and out of tune.
You have to eat cereal at every meal, but the milk goes from nice and cold to warm the moment you pour it, and the cereal also instantly turns soggy.
The only TV shows nothing but Calgary vs Vancouver hockey games. (actually this might be hell)

every time there is a pause to what you listen to or think about, a random laugh track in your head follows after a short but unpredictable delay.
one of your nostrils is always clogged and runny. it can switch sides after some seconds of relief.