How do I stop being an undisciplined coward?
How do I stop being an undisciplined coward?
I've been on a slow but steady decline for the past several years. I don't move at all, barely leaving my room let alone the house; I've taken to eating shit I order out instead of cooking meals myself; I don't get involved with any local orgs besides sending dues every month; I haven't read a book in months; I regularly fail to perform bare minimum hygiene. The only reason I'm able to keep alive at all is because I haven't moved out of my parents' house, burdening them with helping me. It would be understandable if I was living hand to mouth and had barely any free time, but I am one of the small percent of burgers who isn't a month away from destitution and I have more than enough free time. Not to mention I receive no shortage of help.
Since I can't blame my material circumstances, I can only conclude that I am this way because I always refuse to take personal responsibility. I know that changing myself so that I can be, at bare minimum, not a drain on society is going to take a lot of work, work that I always put off due to cowardice. Idealist as it is, I feel like I have some innate metaphysical trait that makes me this way, and the entirety of my failure to pick myself up is due to a moral failing on my part and nothing more.
How do I force myself to unfuck myself so that I can actually be useful for revolution instead of yet another useless first world lotus eater?
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Don't have much to add, and I don't want to sound like "just take a walk bro" but I was going through some similar stuff a while back, and what worked for me was the following. Obviously, medical help is always best.
First I carefully and deliberately dropped all the meds my leech of a shrink put me on based on a horrible misdiagnosis. Obviously don't do this without a lot of care and consideration, but it was an important bit of the journey because both being on chemicals and dropping them clearly affected my brain.
Then I spent a whole lot of time walking around in my city trying to understand it first hand. Y'know, finding spots where homeless people are safer, where to forage food, places where actual nature still exist and where it has either been destroyed or turned into those sterile settler grasslands. I'm not from around here, but I don't think people from car-heavy settler cities ever truly know their city on a deep level.
This helped both build some love for the region but also hatred for the impacts of the societal organisations. Parallel to that I researched a lot about how to safely and reliably kill myself (not as an immediate desire, bit for curiousity), and noticed it'd be incredibly expensive.
But honestly, the part that really helped along with all of that was the people. Due to neurospicyness I don't really enjoy friendships so this is not some mushy "love gives life purpspose" thing, but actively throwing myself at the problems of people around me really made life make some sense.
I guess since I already decided my life had no worth to myself, it can at least serve as a tool to help other people who actually enjoy living have some worthwhile ones. This obviously isn't the only or best way to this, but thought I should share.
Hope you find a way that works for you somehow.
Unironic anti psychiatrics gang, my best friend just quit Vyvanse and he feels significantly better
Same Ive been recommended it in the past I always turn it down
Always strange to hear these responses. The process to find a working medication for your conditon should be a long, interactive one with lots of reflection. If the benefits outweigh the side effects, use them. If not, try something else (dosage, alternative meds, timing, food etc).
Lisdexamphetamine (Vyvanse, Elvanse) allows me to do my work. The alternative is to sit in front of a screen and browse the internet for 4 hours, only to hastily cobble together something so I don't get fired, while being wrecked with guilt until I got to sleep. It's not perfect, but if your brain chemistry is incompatible with the act of writing an email, chemical help is very much appreciated.
I'm not 100% anti-psychiatry and generally don't advocate for dropping meds (specially if they're working). But I take particular issue with the overmedicating tendency of modern psychiatry, to the point where people (i.e. my case) get prescribed an endless series of drugs that do more harm than good, without bothering to investigate other causes of my issues.
I'm by no means "cured," but at least now I know that I'm actually autistic and that's something I can sorta handle without meds. After some research I even discovered a couple of those meds had some barely statistically significant remission rates, that definitely weren't worth the cost. But if meds and psychiatric care were free, I'd probably have no issue with them.