If feel like us guys are at a disadvantage here. All our lives were are told not to complain unless we bring a solution, not to cry, get up, keep moving.
Then suddenly the thought pattern we have been trained on all our lives turns out to not be healthy for supporting others and it's a hard transition to make when we want so desperately to help and are asked not to.
Not saying it's wrong, just hard.
For anyone struggling with this, two hints that might help you frame your role better:
-
Listening is the solution. By trying to solve what your SO told you, you are actually trying to solve the wrong problem. Their real problem is that their brain needs to say things aloud to someone in order to correctly process it's own thoughts. Therapists make a frickin' living off of that quirk of our brains and it's the actual problem they come to you with. Even better: By listening you can not only advise on solutions, you can be the solution! Neat, huh?
-
Listening and solving aren't mutually exclusive. If you stick to listening first, your SO might actually come to a point where your advice is wanted. Pro tip: Once their thoughts slow down, ask if they want to hear what you think about the issue. From my experience, the answer will be "yes" very often. That way, your thoughts will actually reach your SO and not get blocked by frustration outright. Yet, as with everything else: No means no. So if you get a no, don't try again, shut the fuck up, alright?
-
As a problem-solver, it isn't only women.
This could also be an issue of this:
The difference between empathy and sympathy
In my experience some people struggle with empathy a lot more than they realise. And the "solutions" they offer are just ways for them to try and get out of an uncomfortable conversation. There are better and more honest ways to do that.
Wow. Just wow. This is such an eye-opener. I mean, with all the comments here.
I had no idea this was a common thing! Up until now I thought only my girlfriend was like this.
Also, this makes me understand a Christmas present I received many years ago. I never understood the meaning of it and never knew from whom I received it and why (so I couldn't ask about it), it was just under the Christmas tree next to a book I received. This "gift" was just a note on a piece of very thin wooden sheet, it said "Is it necessary to find a solution to every problem? Can't we just enjoy the problem for a little bit?"
Now it kinda makes sense, although I still don't know why I received it. Yes, I am a very solution-oriented person, but I'm also very introverted, back then I didn't have a girlfriend, I had no friends, I didn't even talk with my family much, and honestly, I couldn't even really find solutions to problems in the first place. I have no clue what made someone give that to me.
You're not getting it. The listening is the help
My mother is a steel woman, rational and calm, no bitching, no crying, there is a problem? fix it. You need something? say it, don't expect others to guess. Words are empty, you care? See what that person needs and help them. Not a fan of corny things, you want love? There is this delicious food, and a hug, now grow up and keep going.
Aaand everything she taught me, has put me at odds with every women I have dated.
Eeeeehhhhhhh I have a feeling Lemmy is going to skin me alive for this but I can't help myself.
It's not about the nail.
This meme is pretty belittling to the wife in this scenario and it's kind of fucked.
Rule #1 of being in a relationship is learning to listen and empathize with your partner. Just sit, and listen quietly, and tell them "that really sucks, I am so sorry, I'm here for you" It's really that simple. Most of us are techy and leap to a solution because that's how our brains are wired but they just want someone to listen. Just listen
Venting is important as a support person. Sometimes it really is just being there for the person.
Whenever I complain, I usually already know what needs to be done to solve the problem(if there is a solution). Venting is honestly more for emotional affirmation than anything else.
Of course, if I would suggestions or help, I would not hesitate to ask for them.
I don't think asking questions can ever be a bad thing, really, especially if you're not cutting anyone off. That's not in counter to the post, or anything, I just think it's generally a very good idea. You can honestly listen to someone with questions, and it shows that you're thinking about their problems in a way that's more real than just like, making eye contact, saying garbage platitudes, and then kind of being like the human equivalent of a teddy bear or some sort of comfort object for someone. A well directed question can often get more to the root of the problem more than anything else, I think. You can also direct people around with questions, but that's maybe best left for your good faith actual listeners, rather than people who just want to abuse their question-asking so they can direct someone towards what they think the solution is.
I dunno. people are just like. Not good listeners, at all. I'm not, most of the time, I like to think that I'm decent at it when there's something that matters, but then I also have a pretty big brainfog whenever this shit happens, and I forget to ask questions sometimes, which really, really, impairs your ability to comprehend the whole situation. The biggest thing is just trying to piece everything together, right, that's a good use of your conscious thought. A bad use of your conscious thought is thinking about what you're gonna say next, or remembering whatever like. scripted response you've come up with for this scenario, slotting this scenario into a specific "problem" set that you're gonna pretend that you've already solved.
On the flip-side, I do find it kind of annoying when you ask someone some question like "well have you tried talking to them?", and they interpret that as "what do you think I'm STUPID do you think I haven't TRIED THAT!", when usually the purpose of a question like that is more like "what was the result when you talked to them?". It's to spurn on more context, it's a platform to vent more, basically. The language of the question could be more precise, yes, but oftentimes people are so used to not being talked to and engaged with as human beings, that they kind of default to taking every question as a bad faith attack on their intelligence as a sort of defense mechanism, or something. It's kind of annoying, and when that happens you have to deliberately be more precise and be more careful to get across explicitly that you're invested in their life, but it's just like. It's just a thing I've noticed that people do sometimes, I guess, what I'm saying is, be on the lookout for that more. Don't get mad when/if that happens, just be like, oh, my bad, sorry, that's not really what I meant to say, I meant to say (insert more precise and carefully worded question here).
That's it, that's all I got.
edit: Actually it wasn't. Most of the time, the solutions you're proposing are garbage, and your partner (usually, unfortunately, could be whoever you're talking to) is elevating the conversation to a more top down view of why all your solutions suck. The reason it's important to ask questions is because the problems everyone is having are usually more complex than the solution you can come up with in five seconds. People aren't like, "how do I fix my toilet", and then you just tell them to turn off the water. The problems people have are way more complicated than that. At least give it five minutes of listening, you will be impressed by the results.
I don't think I'm something-oriented person in general and often times I quickly learn if someone is asking for an advice or consolation. How should I reply to "I want a real solution for this" when the question is what one should do if it's 1am and is in hankering for some late night delivery food? How can I give you any input on that?
There is probably a problem that needs to be fixed, but it's not necessarily the one they are telling you about. In fact, the problem they are telling you about is probably a band-aid to protect the actual problem, and by offering a solution, you are ripping it off.
For those who refer to themselves as ‘their nature to fix things’: you know who else just goes out of control fixing things and can’t stop? cancer cells. They don’t do too well in reading the room either. You are more than just a cell. You have ears to listen and eyes to read and a brain capable of understanding how empathy works.
OP get a really loud hair dryer and do your hair while you smile and nod
