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Been years since I exercised regularly. Now that I'm older, I can't get away with bad form without really feeling it later. Learnt mostly by myself and from youtube. A little while ago I was complimented on my form while squatting, and today I figured out what was wrong with my shoulder (nerve impingement from an unstable rotator cuff) and now I know what to do, day 1 and it already helped immensely.
Though I guess the real win here is that I'm going to the gym regularly. Tried many times before but I always ended up quitting. It was probably the depression doing me in. Guys, therapy works, no cap.
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Not personal at all. Sorry for the wall of text, btw. I've suspected that I had depression since I was a teenager, at least. And it only worsened with time as I experienced life. I had been coping through the years with escapism and later, smoking (so, so much of it), until those didn't work and developed GAD on top of my depression, szpd and adhd (possibly auadhd, want to get a second opinion). Around the time I developed GAD I stopped going regularly. Had enough last year and booked an appointment.
I won't lie and say it's all due to therapy, I've also been seeing a shrink and part of my daily dose of meds are antidepressants, which work well enough but are such a low dose they don't do much by themselves. Still, going to therapy helped me realize what my defense mechanisms were. I had grown to value a stiff upper lip (like, unfeeling), and avoided anything that posed a challenge and could disappoint me in the future. Having lost all the work I put into the gym, I knew the work I would have to put in just to reach my PRs from years before when I was younger and didn't smoke. So, fear of failure lead to not doing anything, leading to basically no positive reinforcement. Nothing gave me joy because I wasn't stimulating myself with interesting shit. I was a husk going through the motions. Tried to buy a ticket on Charon's boat but fucked it up and gave myself 7 years to get better, otherwise I'd try again.
So, 6 years later on the very first real session with my therapist she laid it out plain to me: if I really wanted to get better, I needed to get back into the gym. She recommended the shrink I'm seeing so she knew I would likely end up taking pills, for which I'm grateful, but she wasn't lying about the gym. There's a world of difference between the days in which I work out and the ones I don't, even with meds. In the following sessions we discussed stuff I've experienced and hadn't processed, because I didn't value experiencing emotions. I've come out the other side much better, definitely more emotionally mature, and sure of myself. In terms of quantifiable progress, I now spend 0 days in bed all day, which is pretty damn good. Through my therapist I've learnt how to deal with panic attacks, which I didn't know before. Two months ago I ran out of my anxiety pills and had the worst panic attack yet in the middle of the night. Managed it as the therapist taught me and was chill again in 30 minutes.
I'm now about a month away from the 7 years being up, and while I'm not 100% there, I'm still making good progress. Don't think I'll end up trying to cross the Styx just yet.
TL;DR: going to the therapist helped me realize I had been dragging a ton of baggage that wasn't letting me improve myself. She taught me how to deal with that baggage in a healthy way, which included the gym. Now I'm much better.
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Oof, relatable. Especially the sleeping thing, we experience basically the same thing. It was my understanding that my issues with sleep come from GAD, if I let my mind run wild I just won't get a wink of sleep, no matter how long I stay in bed.
Have you tried a different therapist? I've had 4 different therapists so far and this last one really clicked and honestly gave me enough motivation to keep going to therapy. It takes a lot of work to get better, unfortunately, it can be a little disheartening to say the least.
Have you gotten a diagnosis for what you have? It might be worth doing tests, I had to get three done to get my diagnosis. Once I had those tests in hand my shrink could just issue meds (which still took a lot of work to find the right mix).
Ik that meds are a little icky. I wasn't very comfortable at the beginning, but at least for my adhd, I don't have a choice. It gives me a chance to catch up to everyone else. In regards to my GAD, maybe in a couple of years I can get off it, but it would take an incredible amount of CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy, not cock and ball torture) to reprogram how I respond to stimuli, same as my SzPD. Nowadays, Ik that meds help me, and save for one, a benzodiasepine, I know I can take every day and be fine. Benzos are the nuclear option, so to speak.
Sorry if my response seems a little disjointed, I just woke up.