I need to pass a drug test on which my entire future depends. I need help and am freaking the fuck out.

I made an account just to help you with this. It is really easy to pass a urine test.

You need to drink a lot of water all at once. The goal is to get your body to bypass the adsorption of water and have your kidneys get rid of it. Your urine will look clear. Most people will tell you this will force a retest.

2nd step is to eat a lot of high protien food like a pound of so of brisket. The goal here is to get your urine foamy. This is something they look for when checking a for quality sample.

3rd get some b12 like less than half a 5 hour energy. The other main thing they loom for is color to clean or dark is also bad. They same with to bright which is what you get with an excess of b vitiams.

This will need to be done on the day of the test. Don't start 2nd step till you get the first one done same with 3rd step and step 2. Just keep drinking water all day.

I found this on a doctor's blog many years ago while trying to get around my own test. Also stop smoking till your test and if retested do the same routine.

Anyone really want to scare the testers and possibly get a lawsuit out of it drink a lot of pureed beets, it turns your urine red not just your poo!

I don't have advice (sorry), this is just a massive cultural difference between the US and Canada, and I never understood why it is a thing there. In Canada there's basically only drug tests for like pilots or truckers, I've never been asked to do one for a job.

erowid.org has advice on passing drug tests

is the employer telling you it'll be monitored? What's the setup, is this a "Go to the office and piss in a cup for us" or is it a "go to an actual lab". In either case synthetic piss should work (if it looks legit and passes the test strip they just toss the sample, no follow-ups) but absolutely under no circumstances should you work for a company where another employee watches you pee, that's a massive red flag.

A condition for being hired is someone has to watch you pee? That's fucked

A buddy of mine has passed numerous tests using a method with fruit pectin, creatine and drinking a fuckton of water. Essentially it sends most of the cannabis metabolites to your stool instead of your urine. It's worked for him every time, just requires some materials from the grocery store and starting the process the day before your test. Definitely your best bet if they're gonna make you piss in front of someone which is absolutely ridiculous. Important to note, its not a complete cleanse, but if you've already abstained for a week or so then it should work well enough.

Option A(one I recommend as it has served me well throughout multiple drug tests over the years): Ask a friend who doesn't smoke to piss in a water bottle for you, get a pair of gloves and one of those smaller contact lens solution bottles. Put on the gloves, rinse out the solution bottle and then pour some piss into it. Get a glove (optional) and a belt. Buy some hot-hands or other similar hand warmer from a gas station like 30 minutes before you have to take the test. Have the glove belted to your inner thigh so it isn't obvious if they make you keep the door open. Handwarmer should get it warm enough (if you do like I used to and activate it in the gas station bathroom while you're belting the piss to your thigh so it has time to warm up) that they're not like "wow your piss is really cold". The only downside of this method is, if you show up and there's unexpectedly a line, you can potentially give yourself a nice burn from the hot-hands like I once did in high-school when I showed up to take the drug test for a local themepark and there were like 30 people in the room also waiting to piss in a cup while the one lab corp technician stood by the bathroom door.

Option B (I've only had this method work once and I am an extremely skinny pothead, so you'll probably have better results but it isn't my preferred method since the chances are slim for someone whose minimal fat cells are probably pure THC at this point): Exercise, drink cranberry juice, and make sure you've pissed like at least twice the day of. Then it's just a matter of diluting your piss with heavy water intake. Vitamin B12 and whatnot as others have said helps.

Everyone has great tips. I'm just here to say, I'm nearly twice your weight and was able to pass a drug test in a short timeframe, <30 days but more than 10, so I don't think it's over for you.

I bougt a bunch of cheap drug test and tested frequently, throught the day. I got a few of these drinks called Qcarbo32 that I think worked. It turns the pee a funny color so that's really where the water and cranberry juice helps. Spend a day testing your pee with different combination of techniques to see if you can run clean.

On day of don't give the first pee of the day and when you do give try to catch mid stream. You can practice this with at home test too, I found early day pee would test positive and later day pee would test negative same for mid or early stream.

So all in all, testing frequently at home helped the most. Good luck!

I’d if you have a little more than a month you might very well be ok with just flushing. I’d exercise and drink tons of water, then use test strips to check. Also, for a plan b get synthetic urine and a bag kit thing that you strap to your leg. This works but is a little scarier for obvious reasons, but they don’t actually stare at you while you pee.

EDIT: I misread. Get synthetic urine and a bag asap. I think “Synthetic Labs Quick Fix” is the one that does rush shipping. Only watch out is you need to make sure the temperature is correct when you go in. It comes with instructions for that.

In the US they can't watch you go legally unless very specific circumstances exist. Get fake urine with the heat pack and wear boxer briefs+big pants to hide it in.

You have any clean friends? Buy some of their piss, use a Turkey baster/snot sucker to fill up a water balloon, warm it in hot water in a ziploc in the car before you go into the lab, put it in your underwear (wear briefs or boxer briefs or some other type of tight underwear).

Make sure to bring a tac in one of your pockets. Once in the bathroom poke the balloon over the cup while peeing into the toilet. Smuggle the shreds of the balloon out the same way it came in.

I’ve done this twice successfully.

Can you claim ilness and postpone the test? That could buy more time to try and remove it from your system.

Like I'm sure you read, the issue with cannabis is that the compounds are stored in fat cells which results in slow removal from the body.

Given your urgency and importance my suggestion would be to the following:

1 - claim ilness to postpone the test 2 - go on a bodybuilder cut (high protein, low fats and carbs diet, on a caloric deficit) 3 - exercise everyday (go for long walks, running, gym, etc)

This in theory would reduce your fat content and would make it more likely to pass the test. Plus, with the caloric deficit and exercise you would probably look exhausted when taking the test, corroborating your ilness claim.

Take this with a grain of salt since it's just theorycrafting.

Good luck and fuck cannabis testing laws!

Been lurking again... But saw this and surprised it hasn't been mentioned specifically. There's a brand of of fruit pectin called Certo and my roommate has used it to pass a piss test because he smoked weed for an injury instead of taking opiates. I forget the minor details but I believe you ingest it an hour before the test and within 4 or 6 hours. Read up on it to confirm the small stuff and the side effects and you should piss with flying colors.

Idk if someone already mentioned this but most dollar stores sell weed piss tests. Supposedly not as sensitive as most 12 panels, so if you're going with some sort of detox strategy, take a couple tests beforehand and if you fail you know you gotta fake or delay somehow.

Metabolism varies a lot, I know heavy smokers who've pissed clean within a couple days using head shop detoxes. Detox drinks seem sus to me but idk.

If you don't think you can pass and don't want to fake, come up with a believable and verifiable emergency to buy yourself a couple days.

Another tactic to stall is to piss dilute by drinking an absurd amount of water. That is usually an automatic re-test but it takes like a week to come back from the lab so it buys time

If you're not a regular smoker, you will probably be okay, but definitely listen to the person who was talking about b12 and foamy piss etc.

I only smoke occasionally and I've passed tests a few days after smoking.

Obviously the first step is to stop smoking yesterday. You can buy test strips off of Amazon. I'd recommend getting those and then testing yourself as soon as you get them. And for the next several weeks you should have a huge container of water in your hands at all times and constantly drinking (and peeing). Once a week you should test yourself and if you are still showing positive when it is time for your test then you may want to see if you can postpone (like, maybe an out of town uncle died or something).

Land of the free where some guy has to watch you piss just so you can get a job.

I'm sorry that I don't have any advice OP, but wishing you luck on passing it

Quick fix is the way to go. Weed stays detectable in your system for two weeks usually. Little .ore if you bare a heavy smoker, little less if you have low body fat. Usually places will let you retest if you claim you are clean and it was a lab error.

Buy a quick fix, get some nightie whites so you can keep it in the right area. Practice what it takes to keep it body temp. Might need to use a hand warmer maybe not.

Shouldn't be too hard

Sweating a lot is your saving grace. If this is a monitored test, ignore everybody's suggestion of fake piss. They're looking right at your genitals, if your entire life depends on it it's not worth getting caught.

Exercise a shit ton before this. Sweat out as much as you can. Then, drink as much water as you can before the test. Take vitamin b12 and creatine to hide how diluted your pee is.

Don't know much about faking drug tests. However, if you need to buy yourself some time, you could fake a positive COVID test the day before. That way you could delay taking your drug test until later, giving you more time to detox or to acquire a fake urine kit.

Faking a positive COVID test is pretty easy for a rapid test, you literally just put anything acidic on the swab.

I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said but good luck OP o7. Rooting for you

Okay OP, witness my genius

1. get a friends pee
2. get 50% of it to evaporate
3. bring it with you to the bathroom
4. put hot water from the faucet into the concentrated room-temperature pee, making up for the 50% that evaporated

Now you have perfect piss at body temperature

(I don't smoke btw)

ok. i was in some programs for years and had to do weekly tests. still smoked heavily just stopped a few days before each.

here's what i did. your mileage my vary.

drink cranberry juice or other diuretic morning before. make sure you piss constantly on the way to the test. pee in a bottle on the way to the test. that one is key. the metabolites are excreted from fat cells into your blood at a steady but very slowly decreasing rate. they accumulate in the bladder. you want the bladder constantly emptying itself so there is little time for accumulation.
take a B12 supplement if you need darker urine but since it's a job test not a punitive one i think that's not neccessary.

NOTE: you can't "flush" before the test. the rate is steady. the "flushing" is only the day of. not "flushing" as much as "get a constant flow rate to prevent accumulation". either way just keeping drinking liquids that make you pee before the test. you want to have peed many, many times. you want to avoid holding a full bladder before testing so timing may be key. private test companies often are cool with letting you just go when you need to. they won't play tricks or make you wait to get a dark sample or anything.

since you still have time try this out and buy a self test strip and test yourself.

Prosthetic and fake pee may still be another option, practice using it before the test obviously.

You can buy a fake piss kit at most head shops for just such a situation and it works very well

Zydot. I’ve personally used it to pass tests. You have to follow the directions exactly, but it works.

Permanently Deleted

Get your friend's piss, get a water bladder and a catheter tube. Lube er' up and get the tube up there shortly before you need to drop and fill up the tank.

Fill condom up with friend's piss, tape to thigh, also tape a hand warmer and something small but sharp to puncture the condom. Using real piss is more reliable than the fake stuff. And the hand warmer is in case they take the temperature of the pee, you don't want it to be room temperature.

If this isn't a critical job where inspectors will stare at you as piss flows out your body, just ask someone to piss and put it in a big or small container and pour it into whatever container you're giving to the testers. I really don't think you need to do all that extra stuff with putting it in some contraption in your pants. You'll need it to be warm, but just put it in a IV bag or something so it'll fit in your back pocket or in your underwear lol.

Some people are suggesting ordering fake piss, but it might not come on time. In my experience, it'll take a whole day to process the order, one day to put it on a truck or plane, THEN x days to get it delivered to you. So two day shipping may really be 4 day shipping. Plus I don't know what they're testing, but if fake piss is just colored tap water with piss scent, then it'll probably not show up as piss in results.

Test clear sells products that I've been told work really well. You'll need to figure out what kind of test you'll have to do, because that effects the plan a lot.

UPDATE: Thank you all for the advice, I really appreciate all of it. With that being said, we're out of the woods comrades :)

Firstly, I was wrong about them having to watch you piss. It turns out that I got that info from a panicked google search and I later called up the hospital to clarify this, they said that they would only need to watch me if I refused to provide a sample, or if it looks like the sample I provided had been contaminated. This was my first good news, as I saw this as a good opportunity to revisit Operation Pissjar™ where I bring in a jar of my clean friend's piss.

After that though, I found out that they're actually using the XCup 4 panel 4045 test, which, as it turns out, does not actually test for cannabis. It instead tests for amphetamines, cocaine, opiates, and PCP. If it were a 5 panel test, I would have needed to worry about cannabis, but it's not, so I'm fine. I am a little bit peeved, though, as the offer letter my job sent specifically said they'd be testing for weed, and every cursory google search I made said that 4 panel tests look for weed, but the specific one that they're using apparently doesn't.

So apologies for the panic, but thank you all again for the advice. Fuck drug tests, fuck sobriety as a hiring requirement, fuck America.