Gettysburg report

It's the greatest essay I have ever seen, folks. accordion hands

accordion hands
Never in my life have I needed something so much, and never known until I received it
- Oh wow
  https://youtu.be/S65jqrHQi_c
You can't just say "perchance".
- Stompin turts

I'm not sure how anyone could get past the second line and not start reading it in Trump's voice.

At this point I only hear impersonations of Trump; I read it and heard Shane Gillis as Trump.
- I walked in here, I said: woooow whatta big room!
I had no idea. I was laughing so hard the whole way through and didn't realize it was Trump until I got to the comments and laughed so much harder. 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🙂‍↔️🫠💀
I actually didn't read the name first, but while reading it I thought, "this reads a lot like Trump."

Transcriptions of Trump are often 200 word sentences muddled with em-dashes as new thoughts appear, sometimes eventually coming back to the original point and finally coming to rest with a period.

There is no point. He just repeats a topic sentence, randomly hurls insults or says things that scare him as a human fart, and then repeats the topic sentence again. People on the same mental level think it's prophetic because mentally they aren't equipped for thinking.
Folks, let me tell you, Goldilocks. Goldilocks is a fantastic story. Tremendous story, okay? She walks into the house, right? And there are three bears. Can you believe it? Three big, beautiful bears. She tries the porridge. First one, too hot. Way too hot. Who makes porridge that hot? Disastrous. Then the second one, too cold. Nobody likes cold porridge. It’s just wrong. But the third one, folks, it’s just right. Perfect. Tremendous porridge. The best. But you know, what Goldilocks did, breaking into that house? It’s a crime. But the media doesn’t talk about that. But you have to wonder, are those bears even here legally? We need to know who’s coming into our country. And that’s why we need our great police officers, they’re tremendous. They’re doing an incredible job. But the media, they don’t want to talk about that. They want to focus on negativity. So unfair. We’ve got to support our police, folks. They’re the ones keeping us safe from those rioters, from Antifa. Just terrible people, really. And what about our Second Amendment rights? The right to bear arms, folks. Very important. We have to protect that.
And let me tell you, if those three little piggies had been allowed to arm themselves, maybe they’d still be here today. Imagine that, I mean the first little pig builds his house out of straw. Not good. Devastating. The second pig, sticks. Better, but still not great. If they had proper protection, maybe the wolf wouldn’t have been such a problem. Just think about that. So, the third pig, he’s smart. Genius. He builds his house out of bricks. Solid bricks. Huge house. Tremendous. The wolf comes, and he huffs and puffs. But he can’t blow it down. Can’t do it. Just like the border. We need to build that wall. Keep out the bad guys, the criminals, the drugs. We can’t have them pouring into our country. Just can’t have it. And this pig, he stands up to the wolf. Defeats him. Wow. It’s symbolic, you know? It’s about migrants, so many. The wolf is the story, it’s the threats coming over our border. And we need to be like that third pig, building big strong defenses. Solid defenses. Making sure we’re protected. And the pigs, they all end up in the brick house, safe from the wolf. Wow, like we need to keep our country safe from all the threats out there. Tremendous story. The best. And we’ve got tremendous people.
- Sorry, but that's utterly unrealistic, it's vaguely comprehensible, coherent and there is some logic to how the points link together.
  You're clearly an intelligent adult, and so I'm afraid that the only way you could hope to emulate the original is by giving yourself significant brain damage, moderate alcohol poisoning and a topic you know nothing about, then writing three different paragraphs, mixing the sentences together, removing random words and scattering in some arbitrary pauses. Please don't though, both for your sake and the favt that we already have enough verbal diarrhea in the world.
- Entirely too coherent.
- Needs more completely unrelated self-aggrandizement and nationalistic pandering.
He's literally just a babbling old man, if he weren't one of the most important political figures in the country, he'd have been quietly confined to a home for Ivanka to take over the brand after her brothers ~~fearing for their lives~~ graciously bowed out of any race to take over the org amidst dear father's "sudden yet consensual retirement."

The craziest part is he read this off a prompter

I'd like to see what was actually on that prompter.
- Gettysburg, wow. (Improvise me boy. Remember, Robert E. Lee not in favor)
- Imagine being his teleprompter controller and having to wiggle the text up and down in a vain attempt to get his attention back.
I thought the joke was that this was written by AI. But it’s worse.

People come up to me all the time and tell me how great my report on Gettysburg was. Great people. Best report they've ever seen. And they've seen a lot of reports. And they tell me mine was the best they've seen. But the crooked evil liberal teachers keep persecuting me and try to say my report wasn't good. They try to give me an F, but I tell them it's an A, because that's what my papers get, because I'm the best student. Best student people have ever seen. Smart people see me and say that is the best student that has ever been. Make school great again!

what a great essay. a great essay.

i knew this student, very smart. i knew him and he said umbrella you- i am a real patriot (and there are real patriots) and he said umbrella- umbrella is the most upvoted user on lemmy. what i was told- they know you are much bigger than the second one by far. great. you are doing a great job.

Did Trump write this?

His name's on it lol
- What's hilarious is that even if you didn't notice the name on the paper (I didn't) you still know immediately who this is mocking.
- LOL I definitely didn't notice that first and went, "wow, did this kid really plagiarize Trump?" And then looked at the name.... So sorta.
I'm pretty sure it is literally a transcription of a trump speech...
Edit: oh fuck, I just noticed the name on the paper is also Donald Trump... Lol I guess I "ate the onion".
He said it verbatim at a rally. https://youtu.be/pq4xSuiueUc

trump speech writer

I wonder if he just blatantly ignores his teleprompter, or if he can't read it as fast as it moves, so he misses most of it. Either way, it's gotta be infuriating to have to write a good speech, get past some sort of review, just to have it totally butchered on stage.
- The rumor I've seen is that Trump needs glasses but refuses to wear them in public so he struggles to read the teleprompter.
  Or maybe he's just illiterate?
- He gets pissed off when there's something wrong with the teleprompter.
  https://www.thestar.com/news/world/united-states/donald-trump-complains-about-his-teleprompters-at-a-scorching-las-vegas-rally/article_cc714f20-972d-53cd-a616-7a579ffe0b98.html

I didn't see the name until the end. Bravo

I only saw if once you pointed it out. But I was going to comment that is what kids learn from Trump. Being a vague as possible, speaking without saying something.

This isn't just a parody of his style, its just what he actually said: https://youtu.be/pq4xSuiueUc

it's* just what

To me it was the reverse. At first it was like haha the kid didn't pay attention and is now trying to weasel out hoping the teacher won't notice. Totally relatable. But then I looked up the name and the speech it's referring to and... oh god... they've put an imbecile in charge of the most powerful country in the world, holy shit, that's TERRIFYING.
- A narcissistic imbecile, so it's even worse than that.

Love "never fight uphill, me boys, never fight uphill!"

I'm picturing Lee with a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder.

Robert E Lee x Mr. Krabs mashup
- "Mr. Lee, why do you like slavery?"
  "Money!"
It's over Ainakin, I have the uphill

I only got it at "no longer in favor". That's when it clicked. Before that it just read like a student who had to write a one page essay on a topic he knew nothing about and tried to fill the lines.

Looks to me like they knew exactly what to do with that student.

Straight to the presidency. Straight away

Definitely don't make him a president

Do convicted felons have the same rights when it comes to plagiarism of their work?

Some states have passed laws that do not allow them to profit from their crimes. Like by writing books or giving speeches about it.
- That's horrible, one of the best ways to connect to young at-risk youths are rehabilitated adults that use their experience

Like woah… woah. Can we just take a minute to appreciate how long the Battle of Verdun was? 9 months, 3 weeks and 6 days. At the start of the battle, you could’ve made beautiful sweet love to a woman, impregnated her with your seed, and dropped a few more loads in her in the mean time, and then 9 months later that baby comes out and the battle would still be going on. That says something about humanity. I’m going to repeat that. That. Says. Something. About. Humanity. In this 10 pg, double-spaced essay, I will talk about how awesome Verdun was and why we should be naming our children after it.

I can’t even tell if you’re shitposting but I don’t care, I’m here for it

Like they asked ChatGPT to write the essay for them. And ChatGPT was stoned.

or they asked chatGPT to write it like Donald Trump was talking about it
- It's a literal direct quote from one of his "speeches."

Did anyone read that and think “I understand him?”

His voters have to hear those words and somehow they make a sentence. Like some kind of mass stupidity that makes everyone of them understand.

"Lee GOOD, liberals BAD, America GOOD, Gettysburg WOW"
A rough translation.
- I never knew you were bilingual. That’s an amazing talent. You could make a lot of money speaking dementia!!
- Eyyy, that shows us that the "Orange man bad" meme was another projection.

Holy shit I was about to ask if the kid you teach exclusively watches Fox

Gettysburg, wow.

So confederacy
Many uphill
Such boys
I go to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania to look, AND to watch.

I somehow imagine MAGA guy starting to slow clap.

Even AI can't come up with something like this.

Didnt read the name and tought it was the text of a foreign elemantary student learning English.

“I say, ‘What would happen if the boat sank from its weight, and you’re in the boat, and you have this tremendously powerful battery, and the battery’s now underwater, and there’s a shark that’s approximately 10 yards over there?’

“By the way, a lot of shark attacks lately, do you notice that? Lot of sharks. I watched some guys justifying it today: ‘Well they weren’t really that angry, they bit off the young lady’s leg because of the fact that they were not hungry but they misunderstood who she was.’ These people are crazy. He said, ‘There’s no problem with sharks, they just didn’t really understand a young woman swimming.’ No, really got decimated, and other people, too, a lot of shark attacks.

“So I said, ‘There’s a shark 10 yards away from the boat, 10 yards, or here. Do I get electrocuted if the boat is sinking, water goes over the battery, the boat is sinking? Do I stay on top of the boat and get electrocuted, or do I jump over by the shark and not get electrocuted?’ Because I will tell you, he didn’t know the answer.

“He said, ‘You know, nobody’s ever asked me that question.’ I said, ‘I think it’s a good question. I think there’s a lot of electric current coming through that water.’ But you know what I’d do if there was a shark or you get electrocuted? I’ll take electrocution every single time. I’m not getting near the shark. So we’re going to end that, we’re going to end it for boats, we’re going to end it for trucks.”

I guess they didn't study at all so they just put down something

It was plagerized.

The thing is we're not seeing the spelling mistakes

It's like a poem

Rivetting

Are some people really taking the essay seriously? The student was obviously trying to mimic Trump 😂

I don't know if you're serious, but this wasn't a student mimicking Trump. It was a teacher mocking Trump by treating his insane speech as if it were written by a student. This isn't someone mimicking Trump. This is somehow actually the insane ramblings of the man himself.