8mo ago

How do you connect with people and make friends without social media?

I'm struggling to figure out how to make friends without having Instagram or any other social media. I have discord but don't use it much. I see all my acquaintances in discord channels and sharing Instagram posts and stuff. It's already hard for me to make friends, but I feel like not having any of the traditional social media means I'm not included in any of that stuff.

Do you just accept that Instagram and shit are the way people interact and use it?

89 comments

How do you make friends with social media?
- I think it's more just that it's a low stakes way to "hang out" and chat without any commitment or pressure. At least that's how I see the value
- sounds genuinely creepy.
  
  fellas is it creepy to have internet friends
  
  Which is why I've made zero friends on social media.

Discord is social media. What you need, my friend, are hobbies. Or the meetup app. Or to just go look up events in your area and go to them. Hobbies work because then you can find other people locally who are also into your ~~fetish~~ hobby.

You need to make an effort to put yourself in places where you can meet people. Often this takes the form of finding a community with a common interest. This could be a hobby, a lecture, a course, book club, gardening, etc.
Other places where you meet people can be a workplace, a volunteering effort, social gatherings like listening to a band, orchestra or a play.
You can go to the local coffee shop and spend time there watching people. If you do this regularly, you're likely to meet people whom you can talk to and interact with.
If you already know people, acquaintances, then organise or participate in activities with them.
Social media is an add-on to life, not life itself.
The way to make friends is essentially finding ways to interact with other humans, preferably in places where you like to enjoy yourself.

Meetup.com and volunteering.
- Outside of work and school, I think pretty much all of my friends are from some sort of group, often volunteering stuff
  Edit: or friends I met through friends

Volunteer. You'll meet the best people.
- That isn't true at all. Plenty of volunteers are shitty people.
  A group I was recently with just had a huge scandal because someone who joined had a sexual offender records and we were working with kids... he basically fucked everyone over and the entire org had to stop operations for months until every member clear background checks.
  
  All the best people volunteer. I stand by this. Sorry you had an experience with a shitty person also volunteering. Part of non-profit management is dealing with shitty volunteers.
- The first thing I think of when I hear volunteer is soup kitchen, and after a quick check it turn out my local one doesn't need any more people at this time. What are some other places one can volunteer, that might not be so obvious?
  
  Maybe a local advocacy group, one that aligns with your interests and values?
  
  Church, political party, environment, homeless shelter, women's shelter, non-profit music societies, arts, etc depending on your interests.
  
  Habitat for Humanity is a great one IMHO I loved helping out with them when I could
- What if you don't want to help people?
  
  Help animals then...
  
  Volunteer with pets!

I'll tell you when I find out.

Meetup.com, search some interests, find some groups, go to some events, talk to people and slowly build those connections with those that you click with. Or all that via more general web searching, meetup is just a convenient hub.
- Dang. The website said there is no groups or events anywhere at any time within 100 miles of me. What do lmao
  
  Befriend the wildlife
- Checked it out and learned there's Thursday Night Dodgeball near me. Ok, this is actually useful.
  
  Don't forget your training wrench! 🔧

Join a team or club in something that interests you.
- I'm planning on signing up for a couple of rec sports leagues on volo. I'm afraid everyone there is going to be like 20 years old though
  
  I was 40 when I started playing Ultimate.

Board games. Find people who play board, card or roleplaying games. Sign up to an open group to play. Its an extremely social hobby with no pressure - you're just there to play, and if some joking around and friendship happens, its a great bonus.
- Never understood this one. Majority of people don't give a shit about board games, so what... I'm supposed to infiltrate into a chess club just to meet people? That's sound stupidly insincere.
  
  A lot of game stores do board game nights. I have 2 friends who go sometimes. It's just tables set up with games available or you can take your own. It's just a way to play games with more people and have a night out.
  
  "Your hobby is stupid and no one cares about it. Why should I keep an open mind to people who like stupid things? This is bad advice."

I'm a firm believer in friends through building solidarity. I helped organize a union at my workplace, and became a steward. Being united in struggle has brought me closer to the people around me. If you're too nervous for that, volunteer for a local cause you care about. If there aren't any, start organizing your community.
- I think it's just so overwhelming to start from nothing with new people. I have essentially one person in my life who I've spent almost 2 decades with. I've always had trouble with balance. I have a few acquaintances, but I recently realized I need to have a closer relationship with more than 1 person.
  
  It's intimidating, but being united in a cause is a pretty powerful force. It brings focus to the energy everyone has and directs it collectively. I was extremely shy and not comfortable with confrontation or being approached at work. Over the course of 2.5 years of organizing and being outspoken, I still like my space but none of that is true about me now. I never knew how to just talk to people at work, but now I've gotten pretty good at talking to people I've never even met before and can get pretty comfortable with folks I'm closer to.
  Everything is a process. Having focus for the purposes of being together is a very strong social lubricant. From there you might find personalities you don't like, but you're much more likely to find some friends.

I started a business that involves going into stranger's homes. Most of my new friends are old ladies.
- Would you like to share what the business is?
  
  I'm home improvement contractor aka. "handyman"

I don't know how to do it this generation style. In my gen, meeting through events and staying connected. Maybe you're a parent with kids and the kids are friends, naturally you will mingle with other parents.
Or join a sports team. You will quickly make friends there.
Join some other events you like. I dunno, like beer brewing clubs or something...
Thinking back how I made mine, most were from school, jobs, or sports. I had some internet friends but none of them were anything like my real local ones.

I'm not sure if he is my friend yet but I met another dad at the playground. Our children played a bit together so we started talking. Then at the end we gave each other our phone numbers and now our wifes who are both Korean stay in touch via KakaoTalk which is again a Korean social network ...
- Making friends through kids is so interesting to me. My sister has two kids and her best friend has one. She doesn't really hang out with her anymore, because the kids don't get along. She has another friend with like 4 children and they don't get along anymore, so they don't hang out anymore. At the same time she became friends with other people because their kids like each other

find a hobby and join up with folks that do the same locally. join a gym. go to a local pub and watch some sports. I find this far better than social media, however I also live in a (small) city; i don't know how people manage in rural areas.

Are people you follow and who follow you really friends or is it primarily just about increasing the amount of followers? I've never had any social media aside from MySpace, but I consider my friends as family. Sure, I bet a lot of Instagram accounts have more followers than I have friends, but we're all stoked to know one another and it has nothing to do with appearances.
- I'm not talking about random followers. I'm talking about how to keep in touch and get closer to people who you just met. Like sure you exchange numbers, but then what? You might text them to go do an activity. But that's only every so often.
  I guess I just don't know how it works, and I see everyone exchanging Instagram posts and in group discords and I don't know how to be included and involved
  
  What was the common thread from when you met the person? How did you hit it off with them?
  If you met at a bar, text them later asking if they’ve been to a certain brewery that just opened up (although this could sound like a soft invite to go there, so be prepared for that). If you connected about movies, tv shows, or music, ask them if they saw that new movie (show, album) that’s related to whatever you talked about (same director, sense of humor, style of movie, etc). Basically, just continue the conversation with them. Talk about related things and start to branch out, maybe you’ll find other common interests and things to talk about. You can send an article that you think they’d be interested in. Or a meme about their job.
  But make sure that the conversation isn’t one sided. If you’re always the one starting the conversation or carrying it, maybe back off some. They should be just as engaged as you are.
  
  I text and call my friends just to chat way more often then to hang. It's definitely a little bit of both, but I stay in touch regularly using signal. I'm an oddity these days for sure, yet it's still an option and way more private vs social media.

Go to the bar every weekend.
If you find yourself getting too drunk a little coke will straighten you right now.
- Who snorts coke anymore? We snort asbestos laced dried sloth feces these days.
  
  I like to kick it old school.

Do you just accept that Instagram and shit are the way people interact and use it?
Yes. Without it I would probably be even more lonely than I am today.

Join your city's discord and go to the meetups

Do you mean meeting people? Or feeling like you're supposed to share things on social media as part of a friend group or else you're left out of things?
If you mean where to meet people, go anywhere a few times and you'll start to see the same people - like a dog park or walking trails; take a class or join an activity you like through your local parks and rec- i was just looking for a beginning welding class; in my area there's a sports and social club that does bowling leagues, beer pong tournaments, kickball games, etc. and several local game shops do board game nights.
- I mean becoming more than acquaintances. And especially just having people to talk to at random times without pressure of 1 on 1 texting or phone calls. Like just sharing stupid memes and being able to asynchronous chat and get to know people.
  I guess what I want is to get close with people and not just be acquaintances. Especially at night
  
  It's a process. Are there any acquaintances that you're interested in befriending? Someone that shares your interests enough that you could invite them to something? I've become friendlier with a couple of co-workers by asking about restaurants in their neighborhood, which led to them saying, "let me know when you go and I'll meet you there."
  I'm the mean time, you can share dumb stuff here and we will laugh with you.

Nope. That's why I have about 8 really good friends and that's it.
Unfortunately I don't know how to help you. I met my friends in secondary school and we have been friends since then.
- You're saying that as if 8 was a small number...

You need to find people that share a common interest with you, like a hobby or sport. That way there is some activity that you can do with them instead of just keeping in touch via social media. I have a regular casual basketball group that I literally don’t interact with online except when scheduling pickup games, but when we do meet up to play, we hang out over dinner afterwards. Same with another set of people that I meet during happy hours in my career field.
- I guess that's just not what I'm looking for. I have a couple people I do activities with. But that's not really a connection. I don't know. I guess I'm just depressed, but it's more than just that. I need some kind of lasting and consistent human connection.
  
  It takes time to build friendships. If you meet people for an activity that's a start, but if you don't feel like any of them are friend material (or they're too busy) you need to branch out. Try finding a larger/different group that does that activity, or better yet, try out something else.
  Volunteering tends to be a great starting point.
  Friendships often start with a leap of faith of sorts - you hang out in a given context, and at some point somebody takes the next step (wanna grab a beer/grab lunch/come for dinner/go to the game/whatever)
  You kind of do things that are a bit ahead of your current level of friendship, and then if it works out you've managed to upgrade.

Ride a bike. Touch grass. You'll meet someone eventually...

During my days on Reddit, I've had some hangouts with quite a few people with whom I shared some really niche interests. Good times.

OP how old are you?
And I mean age range. Not exact age.
- Based on their other comment, I'd guess mid 30s.

Linux users groups Maker spaces Artisian guilds (metal working, wood working, etc) Clubs Volunteer with places Get involved in local politics Work a career and network with people
Etc
Social media honestly is very lack luster in mak8ng deeper friendships to me

I use a 3D game like territory for it. Oh, the name of this is real life.

Go to a pub, get drunk.

Go to a real supermarket (without ordering online!).
Wait until you see a random person there.
Smile and say "Nice butt!"
- Either you die or you get a booty call. Odds are not in your favor.
  
  U sure?

You don't. For what I've seen is something people are born with it, the perk to make friends in every situation... my younger brother have dozens of friends, actual friends, I have 0. I just live with it.
- That's how I've always felt. I've always been the friend of those people. I've only ever made 1 actual, deep connection with a person. And it's deeeeep. And I couldn't tell you how it happened. But I partly feel like I'm losing that, and I won't ever be able to get it back, or replicate it with someone else.

just dont.
- But I'm really lonely and I think I need friends.
  
  I find that in times of my life when I felt lonely, there were usually other issues that led to that feeling beyond the actual lack of people.
  Sometimes, the answer isn't to seek out friends but to try to figure out how to become a person that people would want to be friends with. Part of that is putting yourself out there, but that will be more successful if it comes from a place of self improvement.
  
  You aren't the only one feeling that way, just put yourself in a position to meet others. Start going to meetups of things that interest you, or, at the very least, engage with others on things that interest them and you'll usually find common ground eventually. It can feel difficult and awkward, but everybody struggles with that when they first start to put themselves out there. Just persevere, you'll find people.
  
  You don't. People need fulfillment, not human interaction. Find something you are passionate about and pour your time and effort into it. Buy a classic car and restore it. Learn how to make your own furniture. Start learning photography. Write a book. Develop a program or app. Start a fitness routine. Brew your own beer. Learn a foreign language. The list is endless.
  What matters is doing something that brings you satisfaction. A hobby that involves creating something or improving yourself is so much better than wasting time with other people. Spend a day hanging out with friends, and what do you have at the end of the day? Nothing. Spend a day planting a garden, and what do you have at the end of the day? You have a nice garden.

89 comments