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I think there's a misconception regarding what counts as small talk. "Bland conversation that has no real point but to escape silence" is small talk. Asking you how your day went because I care about you is not. "How's the weather?" is small talk. "How was your trip to the grocery?" is small talk. These are dumb things and, if your relationship can't bear the silence that would be interrupted because "The vegan sausages were on sale today", then it prolly doesn't need to exist.
I'm not entirely sure what counts as small talk. When I think of it, it's usually conversation between strangers or acquaintances where neither party knows the safe topics, the topics to be avoided, or even the general preferences of the other. It's all testing water stuff.
I think that's what people actually mean when they say they hate small talk. They hate the awkwardness of not yet knowing enough about their interlocutor to know they won't accidentally upset anyone. Or they don't have the skill to navigate that social space to avoid negative consequences. It can feel downright dangerous in some circumstances.
And that's tough. Because the socialites think it's a skill issue, which it often is. And unfortunately if you don't learn that skill growing up, the social consequences of being bad at small talk only get bigger and more dangerous, which prevents folks from being able to practice freely.
I dunno. Just my $.02 I guess.
It's funny cause to me it's always meant a third entirely different thing! To me small talk is just starting from a basic place to feel each other out a bit, bringing up mundane things and simple questions to find topics we could drill further into.
"How was your day" to a partner would be small talk, even though I care about what they're saying - I'm just asking so they can bring up something to talk about. "Weather's been shit lately" to a stranger is small talk, but the ensuing story about how they had to rush to work late in the rain would not be.
Given it means three different things to three random people, it's almost like "small talk" actually covers a broad set of social purposes and people who "aren't into it" might actually be missing a lot 😝
I think I actually agree with you overall.
My comment above was more trying to express what I think "small talk" means to the people who always complain about small talk, maybe. Unsure. Slightly elevated atm.
This is how I feel as well. Small talk at it's best is a way to transition into more detailed topics without plunging into them headfirst.
With friends and partners, I think small talk like "How was your day?" Provide a jumping off point for what they want to talk about or, in the worst case, will result in them not wanting to talk. If someone had a terrible day and is exhausted, it doesn't help to start a conversation about the meaning of life when they probably just want to relax.
I don't disagree with you at all, but the screenie was of a message addressing communication between people who are supposedly in an intimate conversation. One should hope that their conversations can be more substantive, personal, and easy-going in a romantic relationship.
Some ability to break ice with strangers using brief small talk is useful as a starting point for conversation, but if you truly know me, say what you need to say or enjoy the ASMR of my presence.
the social consequences of being bad at small talk only get bigger and more dangerous
Eh, I just went into a field largely dominated by introverts, which seems to have largely solved the problem.
I'm reasonably "good" at smalltalk, but I actively avoid situations where I need to use that skill.
Yup. I ask my SO how they slept because I know they tend to go to bed late and I want to know if I should make time for them to take a nap or something.
We only talk about the weather when we're deciding on plans for the day (e.g. picnic or dine in today?).
If you're talking just to talk, you've already lost.
Personally I think that small talk is also regional. Some places small talk might be discouraged at a store while other places it might be encouraged. The same might be for the subway, a restaurant, the bathroom, etc, depending on the country or culture it may be totally ok or exceptionally discouraged.