Have you ever had a near death experience? What happened?
Have you ever had a near death experience? What happened?
About 25 years ago when I was still in college I thought it would be cool to get a motorcycle. I rode it around for about a year with no problems until one day I was riding down this mountain road near where I lived and a deer ran out in front of my bike and I swerved to avoid it, I flew off my bike and into a ditch on the side of the road and was knocked out, my bike fell off the other side of the road and down a sheer cliff face. It was not obvious anyone has ever been there or that there was an accident. I laid there for almost a two days until people started looking for me after missing work. When I came to my legs were messed up, I had broken an ankle, elbow and wrist and couldn't move. I sat there for hours convinced I was going to die. I was pretty upset about it but after a while the anxiety washed away and I just went completely numb. My next memory was waking up in a hospital.
Thank god I was wearing a helmet.
How about you?
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I've had the whole life flashing before your eyes thing.
The night I lost my virginity. Got high with this girl and watched a movie that was terrible and then we ended up hooking up and I'd put so much expectation into what sex was going to be like that when it actually came to it it just wasn't what I thought it would be.
Couldn't cum. So after doing everything I could possibly think of to do for about an hour I gave up and really shittily faked my orgasm and then I took the girl home.
Got back home and I blue balled myself so I took care of it and right after I came I had an epiphany. Being a kid and hyper sexualized I had messed around with my brother and sister, never going so far is actually having penetrative sex or anything but yeah. All of that shit flashed before my eyes and it hit me like a bolt of lightning out of the blue.
The stress was so much that every single bone in my rib cage right down my sternum cracked. It sounded like a gunshot had gone off. And it set my heart on fire with pain and misery and shame and guilt and an absolute detestation of my very existence that I that that I just I can't express it it's the only thing I understand in this universe to be "ineffable" is what I felt at that moment.
And I don't know if it was a blessing or a curse.
I spoke to my siblings after I had recuperated some and apologized for my wrongdoing in our childhood and for the most part we worked all of that out but God damn. Like, I was not mentally prepared to get drop kicked in the soul on the same night that I lost my virginity.
There were other things going on at that time too. I had been writing poetry and sometimes when I would write poetry I would feel like this flash of fiery warmth and it's like I would automatically know what the poem is going to be and it would flow out of me in this beautiful golden Rush.
I had books and books and books of poems I had written like this.
And I was attempting to write a poem when all of this happened and instead almost like I was possessed like it was automatic writing I wrote out all of my sins on several sheets of paper. My heart burned like someone had dropped an ember of burning hot coal on it as all of my sins were ripped out of me against my will.
It left me so shook that in all of the years since then I have only been able to kind of sort of cry a single time.
It felt like being abandoned by God, or rather it felt like suddenly getting caught by him and immediately thrown into hell for 5 minutes, only to be dragged back out with the fires still licking my skin from the inside and then being left to think about what I had done.
I'm talking about the bad side of it but there was a good side too because it opened my eyes to how I was living and what I was doing and even though I'm still horribly imperfect and terrified of being imperfect but helpless to not be imperfect, I am not as bad as I was I think.
And there were other times too where that same golden warmth would come up to me in the middle of a conversation and I would be talking to someone and all of a sudden I would know exactly what to say and in those moments where this would happen it's like pleasure and joy and fire would rise up out of my heart and reach out to the other person and touch them and in those moments I know the words that I have said have made a positive impact on someone else's life, but they weren't my words, they were the words of this fire and spirit inside of me.
All these years later that fire still burns. It never stops. It cannot be forgotten for me. And no matter how many times I explain it, people just generally do not believe that this actually happened to me. They think that it is a mental break or a bit of psychosis or some self delusion that I have put myself under to deal with the trauma of the incest and unfettered sexual promiscuity of my childhood.
And sometimes I'm afraid that that event was my soul leaving my body. And sometimes I'm afraid that it was the sudden inrush of the inhabitation of God that I had been searching for.
And as far as I know no one else has ever felt the way I feel. I can't find any literature on it. The closest I can relate to are those Christian iconographies of a heart with a crown on it and barbed wire and fire.
But you would think that if that was the inhabitation of God that the inclination to sin would have been driven away from me and yet I still sin just like everybody else.
So I don't know. I don't think I would recommend it to anyone else. Just wish I could meet someone who had been through that and knew what it was and could guide me.
It does sound like you were harbouring a lot of unconscious guilt that manifested at a strange time. You were a kid, you didn't know you were doing harm, but you did later and tried to atone.
Also, kids generally don't do stuff like that for no reason. Hurt people hurt people.
*nods wisely* buffalo buffalo
Ive read that one in three people is affected by incestuous sexual activity. Thank you for talking about something millions of people suffer from but too few speak about.
You're doing a good job.