How to stop thinking about an interaction from my past?
How to stop thinking about an interaction from my past?
At the first college I went to, which I later dropped out of because it was austere, cruel, and awful, I went to a little high school tour day thing. They had a seminar for prospective students; one of the faculty talking had people coming up and asking him questions at the end, in a classroom. This was fairly informal, but it had this stuffy bullshit ‘prestigious,’ ‘serious’ academia vibe like, 'ooh, this school is really tough, gonna be really miserable for you.'
And I asked the speaker at the end, like, ‘So what do computer science majors actually do day to day in classes? Like, what sort of projects do they work on?’ Completely earnestly, because I was curious because I thought it’d be a cool answer. And he literally said to me, ‘That’s really more of a lunchroom question,’ in the most pretentious tone I’ve ever heard in my life. good christ.
And I went to that school! And it was miserable! Honestly, I didn't even fully understand or realize how utterly rude and pretentious this dude was being to me until recently. I thought I was asking a 'silly' question, but NO! NO, absolutely not, it is absolutely a valid question at a college tour day as a little high school kid. And this guy genuinely seemed so offended and put off that I'd dare ask him a silly question, like he was above answering. I genuinely did not have the brainpower at the time to process such an upjumped pretentious moron.
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If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.
I would want to shit down the throat of anyone who said that to me immediately after I shared an upsetting memory that had bothered me for years.
"Have you tried not being upset about it?" level response
You sound like a great person.
It just means that resolving that issue starts with yourself. Grow up, it's a famous quote and isn't meant to fix anything in the moment, just give a different perspective.
I’m not the other person, but it does have real “maybe it was god’s plan for your kid to die” energy. It can be helpful for people, but it can also shut people down. That’s not a bad thing, people benefit from having strong reactions to feeling insulted, as the OP shows. Sometimes it’s smarter to shield yourself from more insults than to accept feedback from any source.
"Maybe it was god's plan for your kid to die energy".
How does that have anything to do with your personal estimate of a situation? I watched both my parents die, why would hearing that quote make me think god wanted them to die? I didn't change the estimate of those situations by pretending I was happy my parents were dead. I did it by thinking they lived a full life and they aren't sad they are dead.
It says you have the power to change your estimate of the situation, it doesn't say how, how fast or how difficult it should be.
Also are we not talking about a dismissive conversation someone had years ago? Where tf do dead kids come into this? Why are we shitting down people's throat again?
I’m not trying to shit down your throat, but trying to use kinder words than the other person (I might have failed) to explain why it’s not an ideal comment to leave there.
I’m not saying it’s bad advice, but people generally have emotional responses to what others say. That’s why delicacy is important- if you say the right thing the wrong way it can make the other person less receptive to the idea as a whole.
Of course this is within their control and you’re not responsible for their emotional reactions, but it’s also a pretty consistent, predictable reaction, so being aware of it and accommodating it is a good idea if you want your words to sink in.
There is also the critique that stoicism makes you more easily exploited, if you come to it without assertiveness already well established. In the OP’s case, telling someone who has wrongfully beaten themselves up for years about an interaction where the other person was cruel to them for no reason, that they’re actually the one at fault, is unlikely to provoke a thorough consideration of stoicism. It’ll either lead to them dismissing you and your ideas, or it will lead to them continuing to beat themselves up.
Edit: the current top comment for me is a good example (imo) for how to express similar ideas without making people defensive.
Wow, can't believe you wrote all that trash and think you know how to talk to people. Lmao. It's just a quote kids.
I’m glad to see you’ve mastered your responses.
Maybe that perspective is unnecessary, unempathetic, and unrealistic. 🤷♂️
Not my fault you don't understand what those words mean. If only there was an emoji for them.
They certainly don't mean what you're implying they mean.
That one person was clearly wrong, and OP can feel comfortable knowing everyone here confirns that. He has the power to change what that moment meant to him, and only he can do it. This is what others are telling him in this thread. How is that unnecessary, unempathetic or unrealistic?
This is true but easier said than done.
Agreed. But he didn't say anything about it being easy!