Hate Myself So Much

An awful day. One of the worst. And all from my own actions and unrealistic expectations. I guess I just needed to type this out.

I blew up so hard earlier. I hate myself. Spent time in the mirror looking myself straight in the eyes listing all the things I truly hate about myself. I didn’t recognize the person I was looking at. I’m so exhausted of this cycle. How many times have I been in this same exact place? I feel so trapped with myself. I’m losing hope that medication will help. This is how I’ve always been and I don’t see how I can get better. I can have spurts of feeling better. But I’m so far from where I should be and seem to be getting worse. The only thing I've been consistent at in my life is fucking things up.

I really wish I could die. I don’t think I can kill myself. Not with my wife. Not with the dogs. Someday if there is a situation where those are not in my life, then maybe. Hopefully? I think back to when we put each of our dogs down and wish someone could do that for me. Inject me with something that will make me feel a calm that I have never experienced. Let me lay there on my living room floor for 5 minutes experiencing it as I fall asleep. Then stop my heart. That is fucking peace.

I need to work on expectations. I don’t know where they come from, why they change so much, or how to tell when they are unrealistic.

I’m so mad at myself for bailing on motorcycle class today. What the fuck was that about. Fucking coward. It wasn’t that I was scared. I was getting mad and frustrated that I was bad. Everyone else was riding in a straight line and it looked like I never rid a bicycle before. I felt myself getting so worked up and wanted nothing but to leave. I almost started crying on the motorcycle when the instructor was trying to help me. Then as I’m walking to the car after I turned my helmet in, I don’t think I’ve felt that level of shame or regret before. What a failure. Why do I just quit everything now?

But I started the day poorly. Woke up with plenty of time, but spent 20 min on my fucking phone. Then scrambling for safety glasses I didn’t prep. Scrambling to pack food. My wife had to get a water bottle for me and I still forgot it. Going around the house at 7am screaming because I’m not prepared for something I set 6 weeks ago. Then I get there and am just in the wrong state of mind, like fucking usual. A lot of times I can snap out of it but I didn’t.

Then get home and fucking snap. Screaming in my room. Bawling. Throwing things. Fucking kill me. Scaring my wife. Scaring the dogs.

I feel so toxic. So much hatred for things. For myself. The hate doesn’t linger but I let it consume me when it’s there. It comes in such strong waves. I think I’m constantly just failing to meet these made up and unrealistic expectations for myself. Then I just lash out at whatever I can.

Now I’m not at the family gathering scheduled 6 months ago. Another thing to add to the list that I hate myself for today. When my wife left she said something like she would stay home with me if I wanted. I felt so bad for not going with her. I told her no she needs to go. She’s the one that planned the damn thing. She told me she loves me and I said I don’t know why. What an asshole.

I feel so immature. So weak. So small. I feel so wrong. Incorrect. I don’t fit in. I make chaos for myself and bounce between one man made disaster to another. I’ve burned so many bridges this year. Lost my friends. Lost my job. I hate myself.

Now I don’t know what to do. have a headache from crying all morning. I’m starving. Absolutely starving. I don’t feel like eating. How do I just roll on to other things after a day like this. Another day like this.

Edit** 9/16 - Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I don't have energy to reply to specific comments. I'm working on moving forward and trying to forgive myself and deal with the embarrassment I'm hanging onto.

I've been seeing an NP this whole year. I'm on my second one after the first was not so great. But the stimulants I'm on do seem better than before. Therapy is a big missing piece. Its was brought up in these comments and my NP is constantly telling me talk therapy is a major part of treatment. I was avoiding and dragging feet for a while. Last month I started reaching out to offices and got the waves of rejections and nobody accepting new patients. I got into one office and had two sessions, with the most recent being last week, but it wasn't going well and he said he was going to refer me to someone else. But that was a week ago and I haven't heard anything so I guess I need to start from scratch finding a new therapist. I've seen in so many posts and peoples stories that therapy is this amazing thing. I've had many attempts at therapy throughout my life and seem to just get mediocre therapists at best that just make me feel like I'm wrong or like they just don't understand what I'm saying or going through. I'm not giving up on it though.