Overthinkers of the Fediverse, what are you currently freaking out about?
I’ve been on a medical LOA since last year and tomorrow I go back to work and I keep thinking about how almost all my coworkers I knew are gone and processes have changed. Also that if I do something wrong I might injure myself again and be right back where I was a year ago (I have been cleared for full job duties by my doctor).
I (41m) recently found out I have ADHD and have had it all my life and I learn this at the same time my Dad passes away. So I am looking back at my whole existence right now feeling like a fraud while simultaneously looking at my relationship with Dad and theres nothing now but pain and emptyness.
All my life everyone said to me "your full of ideas", "you have a great imagination" but now I see what I really had was a mind full of distractions. My Dad was an author and wanted me to write, but I would never start because I couldn't stay focussed on any one idea long enough to be happy about it, just drop it entirely for a new shiny thought. And merrily I go on like this while in real-world practicle terms I have achieved nothing and work at a fuel court (or a gas station for any passing American friends) on minimun wage. And then he dies and I'm suddenly past my peak and hit with a crippling dose of reality.
I have learned what ADHD is. It kills your time on Earth. My friends who have always been the best part of my life are not Doctors and never questioned my quirks. Now I am faced with the prospect of taking medication but I don't want to know what it feels like on them, and from them learn what I've missed my whole life, learn what functional really is. I have answers to questions I never knew I had, like why I failed school, or why I didn't know that one woman was interested in me when everyone else in the room did. I... have all these answers and explanations for holes in my life I just didn't focus on until now, like taking a shotgun blast to the face. And I am just very, very sad and alone.
My whole reality is ripped apart and I have to re-build. I have great friends but don't know where to begin and can't ask any of them to be any more involved with my life. I won't accept medication it will only make me feel much worse. The only thing I'm certain of right now is that I have to support my grieving Mother.
That and the words of Cormac McCarthy, “You never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from”
It's a change in your reality and it's a shift in your perspective to have this all happen at once. But beware looking back and bullying yourself. You are who your are and always have been, a label like ADHD won't change you. Remember yo appreciate yourself even in tough times
I also lost my father around the same time that I found out I was diagnosed ADHD (actually misdiagnosed I later found out) and my brain was racked between taking care of my mother and trying to get through it myself. And then in top of all that, the anxiety of going through everyday life wondering if I’ve lost the chance to be who I wanted to be.
The only thing that helped me was telling my close friends what was going on and how much I felt like everything was crushing me. I did end up on medication for bi-polar 1 which has helped me stay more focused without feeling low.
I don’t want to know what it feels like on them, and from them learn what I’ve missed my whole life, learn what functional really is.
What kind of sunk-cost fallacy bullshit is this? Do you want 30 good years, or 70 shit ones? You are literally mid-life. And you think you should spend the back half of it suffering too because that's better somehow?