How to deal with demands other than by isolating?
How to deal with demands other than by isolating?
I've had severe demand avoidance my whole life. If people interrupt me or keep trying to get my attention without considerable breaks, I get quite overwhelmed. I mean that I can easily go into a complete meltdown if someone continues to interrupt me after I've asked them to please stop, even if their interruption is seemingly helpful and selfless.
I seriously broke up with a girl that loved the hell out of me because she just couldn't stop interrupting me when I was engaged in something. I completely blocked another friend I had for ~17 years after going on an international trip with him because after asking him repeatedly to please stop blurting out every single idea he has, to save them until I seem like I want to hear it. Nope, he just couldn't do that. It is just completely unbearable for me, and after leaving the trip on my own earlier than planned, I blocked all opportunities for him to contact me. I would be happy to never hear from or of him ever again. That's how much I cannot tolerate demands.
Aside from that, the best part of my day is when I go to bed to lie down for the night. It is my safe place where I know no one will interrupt me because everyone is asleep. This happens even if I live alone.
Unfortunately, the way this plays out is that I end up isolating myself and have pretty bad sleep issues since I basically stay in bed awake for hours at night. It's like my body wakes up once I hit the bed, which is terrible for sleep hygiene. Last night, I went to best at midnight and didn't fall asleep until 5am, so I'm exhausted-tired today.
I'm working with a therapist to develop a social circle that is healthier for me, so that's on the horizon...hopefully. When I review my life, my favorite relationships are ones where I just co-exist with someone in the same space without much direct verbal interaction. I enjoy touch and sharing, but not if they talk a lot. And if they do talk a lot, I prefer if they keep the talking consolidated rather than spreading it out throughout the day. I can tolerate 2 hour conversations wayyy better than 6 hours of talking for 5 mins repeatedly.
Any other suggestions on how to manage this?
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I hate to be the 1 to break it to you, but if you can’t handle your best ever friend of 17 years talking to you or a girl that is in love with you wanting to spend time with you then there’s no point asking your therapist to help you find less toxic circles.
Every circle you enter will become toxic because of your demand avoidance.
This isn’t a them thing, it’s a you thing. YOU need to change, YOU need to find a way to cope with people being people that isn’t having a hissy fit and throwing yourself on your bed like a child.
What are they interrupting you doing? Gaming? Stop playing so many games and go outside. Masturbating? You had a girlfriend for that until you pushed her away. Staring at the wall? Again, go outside.
You wanted your friend so save up his ideas until you “seemed like you wanted to hear it” but did you ever actually set out for him what that “seeming” actually is or is this a case of later later later later WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT HAS BEEN 3 DAYS YOU JUST INTERRUPTED ME 5 MINS AGO. Did you give him a space and time to be himself or were you demanding strict adherence to a set of behaviours you knew he could never achieve so that you could be the person that looked aggrieved?
People don’t do consolidated conversation like you’re asking for, your expectation that someone would get an entire day’s worth of talking done then never interact with you again is the most unreasonable demand I’ve ever heard in my life.
YOU are the person who needs to change here not everyone else. YOU need to find a way to cope with things that are completely normal. Interactions are a 2 way street, it’s a compromise, a give and take. If you keep laying out these unreasonable demands on others don’t act surprised when you turn around in a few year’s time to find nobody left.
Learning sign language is a bad idea if you’re looking for a way to fix this, you need to confront the source of this rather than continuing to avoid it. If you decide “oh it’s too hard I’ll just give up” then even being out in public among people talking will become unbearable then you’re just isolating in your room forever because you refused to build the skills that would get you outside.
If you want to change, change. Accept that others WANT to interact with you and that’s just a normal part of friendship that you will just have to put up with.
Otherwise, stop expecting to have friends
Lmao I didn't expect a blahaj user to be such an asshole
I didn’t expect autistic people to reinforce bad habits of people asking for how to change but hey this is your space if you want a hug box then go for it but don’t ask for help if you aren’t ready for an uncomfortable answer
Great gods! Project much? This degree of assholery from a blahaj user is surprising.
Tbh it came off to me more like "tough-love" than asshole... I think there's some valid points said here. Some people need the blunt approach for advice.
I don't really see what your comment adds to this discussion.
As an autistic person, it comes off as arrogant in the extreme. This person isn’t offering advice of any sort. They’re simply trying to tear down someone who’s vulnerable. They’re a bully.
ETA: Just noticed that you created a new account just to post this. I don’t see what you add to the discussion.
I posted a separate comment talking about my experience with the subject and what I did about it in an attempt to see if that would help OP.
It's fine to have different perspectives about things. I enjoy hearing different points of view. I just feel like being closed minded and assuming the worst of a person is not very productive and doesn't do much to help OP.
Considering I’ve got a husband, a job in disability (my clients like that I’m direct btw and I’ve helped many people like OP), and friends that love me, I’m pretty sure I’m more of an authority on how to cope with life better than someone who takes “you need to change” as a personal attack in them.
Also mad stereotyping of us Blahaj people btw, did you know that some of us have disabilities that aren’t autism? And that we constantly have to put up with autistic people going “poor me poor me the world is so ableist IT MUST BE EVERYONE ELSE THAT IS THE PROBLEM” when told SORRY THIS EVENT HAS CLAPPING WEAR EARPLUGS IF THAT DISTRESSES YOU. There’s the social model of disability and then there’s the “everyone is wrong but me” attitude, OP is the latter and needs to compromise with others rather than lashing out at them for engaging in basic human behaviour like… checks notes … talking.
Like I get that this community is your big hug box but again I’ll say again what I said to the other user that replied to my comment, don’t ask for help and feedback if you aren’t willing to accept that the answer is sometimes “you need to change”.
Jesus Christ. I was on the fence until you said you work in disability support. To be perfectly honest, with the way you talk and treat people, I wouldn't be surprised if your clients are just too scared to tell you they don't appreciate your directness, and that's assuming they're verbal and have the capacity to be able to tell you in the first place. Otherwise that's an even bigger yikes
And although this community isn't a "big hug box", since you seem to think it is, why tf are you even here? Ranting about people with autism to a community of people with autism has got to be one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. Quit your trolling.
I’m in semi regular contact with my former clients and with their family, everyone reports things going well and new friends being made 🤷♀️ If you mistrust us that’s your business and I’m sorry if you’ve had a bad experience. When things aren’t working out for 1 of us it gets called off because that’s how I choose to run my work. I’ve become pretty adept at reading body language and tone through my life around neurotypical because they frequently lie about what they’re thinking. All people show deception with the way they sit, their arm positions, facial expressions, head position, stimming, and you might be surprised to learn that autistic people use the same body language that everyone else does.
Yes they do speak, a lot started non verbal but this isn’t the case anymore and most of them make sustained and genuine eye contact. It takes months. Some can’t do it. That’s ok. At the end of the day the bedroom will always be there but rotting in bed is a pretty sad state to be in.
If you feel that I have come in here ranting then you have misread my tone. Sometimes people need to be given an invigorating “oi!” before they snap out of their funk, no not everyone and some need different approaches like logic (I love logic personally) or consistent soft praise but eventually they they come to realise the reason I had to become involved was because they couldn’t do it themselves.
And that’s ok.
But OP was ASKING for help and since I’m off clock and nobody is paying me nor will anyone find out my IRL identity I choose to give them “Oi! Logic though hey, hypothesis and experiment go”. Literally if you pay me you’ll get my on the clock opinion and treatment.
No one is misreading your tone, sweetie.
Take some of your own advice and learn to communicate. As you’ve insinuated, it isn’t likely that everyone else is out of line.
Btw I’m here because blahaj is federated with you and this post came up in my feed, I didn’t seek this community out
You’re here because this is literally the only thread you’ve posted in. You’re a troll and a bully. Get your rocks off somewhere else.
I don't know you or anything about you but what you said, but holy shit. If I was in your care, I would end up more traumatized than before.
Boundaries are a thing. If people refuse to accept boundaries, as some therapist and especially nurses like very much to do, they are toxic. If someone tells you they don't want to be interrupted sometimes, respect that. Don't go all "I know what's best for you", unless yop're talking to a literal child - and even then think about whether you're just telling the child what to do because you don't think it should be doing what it wants or because it's really better for the kid.
Some people need alone time. It's called introversion. An international trip with constant blabbering sounds like a nightmare. I'm imagining they had booked a double room with no option for OP to withdraw. I would melt down in two days.
Not everyone is maladapted and blaming others. Some people have good reason for what you deem unreasonable demands. I don't know if your client are full-blown adults or have a handicap where their judgement is impaired somewhat, but I want to encourage you to stop and think whether what you're teaching them actually helps them and fits their individual needs or whether you you think you figured out a blanket approach that you try to get everyone to follow, no matter their mental needs.
Edit: I, too, have a relationship, a great circle of friends and a well-paying full-time job, if you want to claim authorities in something here. And I do set healthy boundaries like OP does. There is no one-size-fits-all.
lol you act like an authority then use the word “handicap” to refer to people with disability THAT is ableist language nice start GG mods plz. Considering my clients are going outside again and have started making new friends on their own after they left my care gonna have to say they’re probably more interested in compromising with others than being upset about being told to change. It’s hard for everyone to accept they need to change, but if non verbal screen addicts can accept that and action it then it’s probably within the grasp of OP if they’re already able to speak well enough to attract a girlfriend.
Here’s some free advice for you: Go outside and make IRL friends with people who don’t have autism, you’ll quickly learn what an unreasonable demand is because the people you try to inflict them on will give you negative reactions. If you need assistance on learning what negative feedback looks like PM me and I’ll link you some tailor made resources that have turned lives around.
Do you seriously seriously believe that expecting people to NEVER communicate with you is a reasonable boundary? There no way I’d make friends with someone who expected that of me.
If you can’t handle 2 days of holidays then don’t go out for more than 2 days 🤷♀️ I had no access to fresh food on my honeymoon that lasted a !week! and I saw literal Nazis on the street daily. I cried every morning in the shower because the only thing the city has to offer me outside of processed hellscape was bags of mixed frozen vegetables, cup noodles, and eggs.
Am I upset and traumatised about it? Yes! Absolutely! But I got up every day, did my hair, took the time to cry about how what I was about to go through was going to be awful. I didn’t want to it. I hated being away from my routines and real actual nutritious food and my own pillow. But my husband wanted us to do this so we compromised and went while limiting the amount of time we were out.
Because that’s what adults do.
I love my husband just as much as I did before we left, because their happiness is something I’m willing to fight for. We’ve decided to only go away for 2 days at a time if we ever have the money to do that in future because that’s what works for me.
Also, thanks for calling me a nurse but they work so much harder than I do I’m just a humble untrained peer with disabilities that has similar life stories. Nurses wipe butts and change catheters and feed people, that’s so much more than I could ever do. The only thing I do is give my clients a set of behaviours they can model off and be guided through until they don’t need me anymore and show them they’re not alone and that they can and will find meaning in their lives.
They just have to go outside.
As an autistic person, I genuinely feel sorry for anyone who comes to you for “advice.” Fortunately, a lot of autistic people quickly see through bullshit.
BTW, a genuine mental health professional would know that that they could lose their license for dispensing treatment unethically to a patient they’ve never examined.
Good luck with your
TikTok followers(erm, checks notes) “clients.”
Do you know what type of community this is? While I don't suffer to the same degree as OP I need some time to wind down every day. Being interrupted in that time is a stressful experience for me and negates the benefits of at least half an hour of relaxation. I am married and I do have friends and they respect my clearly communicated boundaries just as I respect theirs.