What's the most interesting traditional or formal politeness behaviour or table manners in your culture? Or for any service personnel, in your restaurant?
What's the most interesting traditional or formal politeness behaviour or table manners in your culture? Or for any service personnel, in your restaurant?
I love all the ritualized behaviour, secret meanings and unexpected taboos - standing up when someone of higher status stands, elaborate rules for serving and eating, tapping the table to thank the server, never refuse a toast from a superior, stuff like that.
Whether it's about meals or anything else, I'd love to hear about any uncommon politeness standard or similar social behaviour that goes on in your location, culture or restaurant!
You're viewing a single thread.
Etiquette is one of the things that really annoys-to-infuriates me. Especially if someone gets offended over me not following it. I just can’t be bothered thinking about arbitrary rules without any good merit behind them.
Now I am not talking common sense things where a behaviour might normally be considered offensive, but things like “ a man is supposed to verbally greet a woman first, while a handshake should be initiated by the woman if she wishes”.
Ive actually had this exact exchange with a superior (by standing, I wasnt actually working with/under them at the time):
Me: quietly walking past a superior about 2h after I have areived at work
Them, visibly and audibly annoyed: So I guess you dont greet people?
I just said good morning and said I don’t really keep track of who I have already met that day. But like come on, where is the disrespect if not projected from your own head?
I also hate the custom of wishing someone a good meal / good appetite. Like if it is 1x when everyone sits down, whatever, ill begrudgingly follow, but I cant be bothered to do it at work every 2 mins when someone new walks into the kitchen.
It's essentially a shibboleth, a way to confirm that you're in the "inner circle". Tribalism is still one of the strongest force in social science it seems, even if we start with lots of identical people they'll try to differentiate and discriminate between each other.
For those who are truly into etiquette, we understand that it is a gift we give to others and hope they will choose to return in kind. It is actually extremely poor etiquette to point out the missteps of others. The superior you unfortunately had to deal with was an asshole. Being an asshole is pretty much never appropriate.
I stand to greet others because it shows them respect and maybe because I am a little old fashioned. I take off my hat in private spaces for the same reason. I also know enough etiquette to know that modern hat customs have been modified because they are more of a fashion piece now than a protective garment. Hats have different rules when their primary purpose is to be an accessory.
Do you know what I do when someone gets etiquette "wrong?" Nothing! It is rude to police others. The most someone should do is to gently steer others away from a faux pas if it would likely cause them embarrassment or future difficulty.
I think what I really want to write is that I am sorry etiquette has been used as a social bludgeon against you. Good etiquette should feel seamless and unobtrusive. Formality can be lovely, and instead it has been a bad experience for you. That sucks.
Edit to add: I am really talking about classic English/American etiquette. I am in no place to comment on things like the etiquette in many Asian nations. I know some of the customs, but little of the nuance that goes into them.
For those who are truly into etiquette, we understand that it is a gift we give to others and hope they will choose to return in kind.
What well-wrought words!
I feel like there's a picture of etiquette where it's always stuffy and exists only to reinforce unjust hierarchies. Etiquette as a gift given freely with hope but no expectation of return is a great alternate model.