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She let me down easy.
That's always appreciated considering how common the horrible act of ghosting is
Well, I'm friend zoned, but the clarity is good. I really don't want any personal relationships and basically had my brain commandeered by horny. I needed accepted or shut down. Both are good.
I'm sorry things didn't work out. But hey, if you've got a woman who cares about you and is your friend, maybe she can help augment your dating life. That happened for me last year. I met a super cool chick, developed a crush on her, she shot me down, but then she gave me tons of useful advice which I went on to use in landing my current amazing gf.
Ahh yeah, she's gonna probably help me learn Spanish and she's gonna help me with fashion!
I'm not really trying to have a dating life. I'm never gonna have kids because I don't want to put more victims in the orphan crushing machine, and I won't gamble by having sex. HOWEVER. This specific girl got me real down bad and I was beating myself up for a week or two over the fact that I wouldn't be able to say no if she showed the slightest interest. It's hard to say no to a cigarette at this point.
I've learned that my personal ethics can be compromised by a certain caliber of girl and was really glad to be shut down. It would have been really distressing for me. I was losing my mind sitting there with totally split up intentions and goals.
Obviously you don't need to do anything you aren't comfortable with, but there are lots of ways of having sex without worrying about having a kid. And plenty of people engage in serious relationships with the mutual understanding that they won't have kids. Just putting it out there since it sounds like you are internally conflicted. I want to give you permission to seek love if you want to. It doesn't have to look a certain way.
All of those ways are gambles. I have a friend who swam through a vasectomy. Also trust is beyond me, which is as good a reason as any for me to avoid personal relationships. I can and have been fooled several times by people who came across as completely trustworthy. That's okay if it's dude stealing my money and not giving me the promised drugs. It's not okay where my most important ethical concerns lay.
For me, love is no better than being certain my responsibilities are taken care of. I'll take care of me and my dog, and make sure to never make any new kids have to go through what's been done to me.
I hope you find a way to open up and trust someone. I hope you find someone that makes you want to trust. It sounds like a very lonely and damaging way to live. Maybe you should look into therapy. It sounds like you have a lot of hangups from your past and have projected them into irrational assumptions about the people around you. Good luck, friend!
It's the people around me who caused these things. The sample size is big enough. I won't find a way to trust. That's okay though. I don't need it. What I need is to be left alone.