My gf (f23) found an old video of me (m22) with an ex and wont talk to me now.
My gf (f23) found an old video of me (m22) with an ex and wont talk to me now.
I am my gfs first partner, she is my second. The girl I dated prior (for 6 months) was a vlogger and for like 3 months made a lotta relationship and prank videos wth me which I was fine with at the time. Now my current gf is my first ever real crush and Ive been into her for a decade.
So my gf stalked my ex somehow, idk how consodering Im not on social media myself (this account is the literal exception). She then asked a LOT of questions about my ex, I dodged just about every question. After that she just pulled away and was distant and would barely talk to me or meet up. She finally told me she found my ex's yt channel and watched every single thing on there.
Now I think Ive been VERY understanding and comforting to her, reassuring her literally every day since, being very loving and romantic to the point of cringing myself out. But she never really got over what she saw, idk if she rewatched that stuff or not but it was def smth thats always been in the back of her mind. She also knows that I broke up with my ex since I was moving countries and not bc the relationship was bad.
Now for the terrible part, smth i truly did not remember was that me and my ex had made a more personal video which was still saved somewhere on my laptop. I absolutely did not know of this and if I did I woulda gotten rid of it. Now my gf has access to my laptop (with my approval ofc) and she somehow stumbled upon it, I caught her curled up in my bed absolutely bawling her eyes out with the video playing on my desk. I have never felt this disgusting.
This is the first time my gf has denied my hug for comfort or just been so repulsed by me, she wont touch me while i explained everything, I deleted said video infront of her and begged her for a week. First she told me she needed to think things over but knowing her she wanted me chasing and I did just that, second week Ive given her space and theres been no change. We have had 2 dry 5 min convos in the last week.
How do I fix this or make it upto her???
Tl;dr: Gf found an old personal video involving an ex and wont talk to me anymore.
How do I fix this or make it upto her???
Simply put? You don't. She needs to get over this. Delete the video, of course, there's no reason to have it saved anymore anyway, but then she needs to get the fuck over the fact that you've been in a relationship before.
But be more open with her. You being evasive was not the best move and you need to account for that, but her digging into your past relationship was stupid she'll have to come to terms with that. You guys are young and you're making young people mistakes. You'll get through it.
Honestly, you both sound like you have some maturing to do. She's got insecurity/jealousy/stalkerish problems, and you're acting like you have something to hide (dodging her questions was your first mistake).
Based on your description, you didn't do anything wrong in your previous relationship. You don't need to hide or act like it's retroactive cheating.
By the same token, your girlfriend needs to learn to not ask questions when she doesn't actually want to hear the answers.
I'd suggest that you give her a bit more space. Give her time to miss you and to get over herself.
I'm trying to be as gentle and understanding of her as possible but it all comes down to her having issues with immaturity around relationships and trust issues.
First she went looking for trouble by stalking. Then she found media if your previous relationship by accident. Then she refuses to participate in healthy and reasonable discussion.
I'm trying to find a way that she's not at fault, but this is all her fault.
You are allowed to have had a life prior to meeting her, just as she's allowed to have had a life before you.
You will also have a life after each other.
If she can't put her big girl pants on and discuss an issue between immediately and 24 hours then that's bad behaviour on her part.
Far as I can see she's not yet mature enough to be in a relationship, and that's on her.
I don't know what you held back when she asked about your previous relationship, it might have been things that you're very much entitled to hold back... it not. You may or may not owe an apology for this, but she sure owes you an apology for her shitty behaviour.
I don't have a more polite way of putting this, and as a woman I just can't sympathize.
She fucked around and found out.
What was she expecting? I'm going to snoop into my boyfriend's most intimate moments with their ex, unprompted, and... THEN WHAT? CRY ABOUT IT? Your girlfriend is a dumbass. She hurts herself and then she takes it out on you? Not a single bit of this is your fault. If she's giving you grief, ignore her or exit the relationship if she can't get over it. Holy fuck I'm annoyed by this story.
Don't dodge your partner's questions about exes. Answer honestly. Don't chase -- this is ridiculous.
However, assure in the most non-blaming way positive that you want to be with her and why. And that you absolutely don't want your ex.
Now, given the situation, it's probably best to compose a long text message. Work on it offline. Give it some thought, don't just brain dump.
And then give her however much time she needs to either change her mind or not.
But essentially someone that insecure will have to work on it. With some of your help. An oh boy this will not be the last time a tantrum like that happens.
I don’t know that you can fix it because it sounds like her issue. I obviously don’t know the contents of the video but it sounds like you have done everything to assure her that you are committed to her and want to be in a relationship with her. People have pasts and if she cannot accept that then it is something she needs to work on not you.
This is a her problem, not a you problem. She needs to get over it. You didn't do anything wrong. She's being immature and needs to grow up.
Is this about having the video, or that you had sex in a prior relationship? It should be about the first, but it sounds like it's about the second. That's deep seated insecurity on her part. Frankly she will have to accept that you had a prior relationship, you had sex, etc. You can be polite in this regard (sounds like you have been) and help her through it, but ultimately it's something that she will have to accept.
You’re 22. Go fuck someone else - this girl has red flags all over the place.
She’s mad/upset because you have a past. Guess what? We all do. She needs to grow up.
She's got problems. She's torturing herself with old media of your previous relationship for no reason and resenting and blaming you for it. If she can't grow up you shouldn't have to deal with it.
Like the others said:
She needs to grow up, accept that you had a previous relationship before this and that's ok.
You need to also accept that that's ok and stop acting like you've got something to hide. You're not protecting her or your relationship by doing that, you're just making yourself look suspicious and untrustworthy. #1 trait of every good relationship is trust, even if that means saying difficult things now and then. A relationship without trust is not one worth having.
Here's the thing, you were caught dodging questions about your ex (don't think for a second she didn't notice) and now she finds an intimate video on your laptop.
You have to realise how that can paint a very damning picture for her. The worst part wasn't the video, but the fact that you were dodging questions. If it wasn't for this, you could have explained it, but given how you were dodging questions about your ex, now she's going to doubt any answer you gave her.
There is a fundamental issue of if she can trust you. And you've painted a pretty damning picture.
If you want to address anything, address this part. Invite her to ask her anything and everything, even the parts you don't want to bring up.
I talk to my current wife about my ex wife when it relates to things that happened in my life. She acknowledges and understands that 10 years of my life were spent with that person. She also understands why I won’t delete the pictures or get rid of them. Those are my vacation memories too, my best friend is in a lot of those photos. I can’t just delete photos and videos of them because one person in my life turned out to be a raging cunt.
If your partner doesn’t get this than they are being selfish. I’m not saying bringing up your ex in your current relationship is a good idea but she can’t be selfish and pretend you didn’t spent time with other people before you two met.
I think the first partner second partner is key here. The rest is just the result of that. Natural curiosity into your past and no experience to understand where that curiosity inevitably leads is a recipe for despair and jealousy on her part. As someone who was on the other side of an…investigation… like this she does need to wake up and understand that right now, you are her partner. I wouldn’t just let her suffer though, try to be more outward in terms of your dedication to her. She seems sad in the same way a person feels when they have lost a competition. It hurts more because you know someone else had more/did better than you. So, compete! Unfortunately she has seen your old relationship in detail—likely a distorted version bc social media. Maybe try to tell her about things that weren’t great in your old relationship. Tell her things she does better than the old girl, maybe how much more attractive you find her. What’s killer here is the contrast between what she feels she has and what she feels the other girl had. Wash away that contrast, even flip it.
From her perspective, her brain is basically responding in the same way as if she caught you having sex in person. I know you didn't cheat on her. She knows it too. But there's still a subconscious part that is going to respond that way because brains don't naturally understand video and real life. Depending on how new the relationship is, there may not be enough of a bridge to repair yet. Sometimes relationships fail through no fault of either party. Mistakes happen. It especially depends on how you acted on the relationship video and prank videos. Even if it was "for the camera", if you appear differently in those videos than now, she may not fully trust which version is you. It depends on how strong that foundation was beforehand and simply the ages of everyone involved. Young relationships are messy because no one has much life experience about what's happening, and a lot of times it's from TV, movies, and music.
My dude, you fucked up any trust you could have built with her when you "dodged just about every question" she asked about your ex.
If I asked about an ex and my boyfriend was dodgy about answering, and then I found a sex tape of them on his laptop, i wouldn't trust you either.
You can talk all you want, but if your actions don't match your words, that talk is useless. It means nothing.
From the way you speak about this, I get the feeling you kind if enjoy the drama. It's good you deleted the video, but if this girl decides to stay with you, I'd make damn sure my actions matched up to my words.
You won't like this but you need to tell her you understand she is hurting and why, but that you are concerned that it seems like she isn't improving. Tell her you want to break up so that she can get better. This is unhealthy for both of you. Tell her you are open to starting the relationship again when she is able to talk through it all with you. Offer to help her find a counselor or therapist if she is open to the idea.
Dont say all that to her. Write it all down in your words on paper or email. Give it to her but tell her you will be waiting in the next room while she reads it.
Her reaction will dictate the course. If she decides suddenly she wants to talk about everything then be careful. If she clams up or reacts in a hostile way, break off the conversation and follow through with the break up.
She needs to address her feelings. A little bit of sulking is ok, but Sulking for two weeks is not. It's great that you have been so accommodating of her emotional needs, but after so long now you are enabling it to continue by not reacting.
Tell her you feel like a jerk, you can only imagine how this whole thing has affected her emotionally, and that you think it would be a terrible way to walk away from an otherwise great relationship. Tell her whatever she decides, you'll let her lead the way, and mean it, because if she doesn't return your messages, or says no, they both mean "goodbye".
I'm sorry dude, but you're lying about knowing that video is there. I was pretty naughty before my wife and as soon as we got together I scrubbed everything that would be remotely inappropriate in a relationship. Most would do the same. So, I can't help but think you're lying and kept it for your secret spank bank. Which is gross.
Sounds like you are trying to act a certain way in front of your girlfriend so she will feel better. But you dont truly understand her feelings about this. The fact that you think dodging questions is a win for you... It's extreamly immature and I feel sorry for your girlfriend.
You are still at the stage where you think being a man is acting cool. You have a lot of growing up to do.
Maybe I'm a bit harch. Sorry. I just wish people wouldn't hurt eachother so much at your age. You all have no idea what you are doing.
Lol this guy is pretending he's had sex ever.