How do you stay just friends?
How do you stay just friends?
I know that what I'm about to say might be just something that's wrong with me, and I understand that, but here goes.
Back at the end of April, I had my first breakup, she broke it off cause I was being stupid (I'm sure if someone wants to know the story, I have it somewhere in my profile) and I went from blaming myself, to being angry, to numb, to now that she talked to me again a few weeks ago, i feel guilty and just generally, I despise myself (but that's a separate issue and I'm trying to get depression medication) She said she wanted to be friends again cause I'm a "really fun person to hang out with" and for a second I was happy.
Fast forward to a week ago while working with her brother while helping a family friend, he invited me over to their place to swim and I accepted, she wasn't there but I was good friends with her family and I wanted to rekindle that, except the whole time I felt guilty and had panic attacks, but I tried my best to hang out.
Yesterday, at our martial arts class, which is where we see each other each week, I asked if she wanted to hang out, she accepted, but also said that there wasn't a chance at romance. I wasn't trying to consider that again right now, and just wanted to be friends again for the moment, but it's been bothering me.
How can I promise myself that I won't feel pain each time we hang out, that I won't try and be more and end up pushing her away again. How do I keep sane when I know I'm going to be an idiot and try to be close to her again, while also knowing I won't get that.
Maybe it's the depression, I can't really decide on what I want, I don't know where to go.
The way you present the situation, it seems that you are not willing to be just friends. And in that case, it's better to keep some distance. You will most likely end up getting hurt.
Take some time for yourself, work through the depression and maybe even try to get to know someone else. Then you will be able to figure out how you feel about her and if there's room for a real friendship, not one where deep down you long for more.
Clean break is important. Out of sight out of mind is important. Try to keep some distance to heal.
I'm going to be an idiot and try to be close to her again
You don't want to be just friends with her. You know it. You said it. Don't lie to her or yourself and say that's what you want. It's going to hurt every fucking time. It's going to kill you to eventually see her with someone else.
Maybe, someday, you'll want that and be ready for it, but not now. When you would be genuinely happy for her to be with another person who treats her right, that's when you're ready.
If it hurts too much, tell her you're not ready.
Get that depression dealt with first. Medication and therapy. Then figure the rest out.
In the meantime, crank one out before any time you see her. It may help with the being an idiot part. Exposure to the discomfort may lessen things, but also realize that it takes time to mourn a lot. Actively mourn.
If you push it and start acting like an idiot, remove yourself from the situation. Don't make things weird or worse for her or anybody else involved.
And hard lesson learned, but don't shit where you eat again.
You take some time. Heal up. Meet a new woman. Fall for her. Notice you feel different about this woman now. Then you can try being friends again if you both still want to.
Tbh, it tends to be easiest when you start as friends, try dating, and it doesn't work out.
But it is possible even when it started as dating and turned into romantic love. The key to it is grinding the old habits away as fast as possible, and treating the situation like a brand new friendship.
You gotta be patient with yourself, it won't be instant. But you pay attention to your thoughts and when they turn to romance, you shut it down hard inside yourself. You remind your self that it's over, and this is a fresh start. It'll be painful at first, but if you genuinely act like a friend, and only expect friendship in return, that pain will be replaced with the warmth of a friendship.
Me and my wife are both friends with several of my exes. Even two where I screwed up, rather than it just not working.
And, that's something to hold tight to, btw. It already didn't work, that means it's less likely to work in the future. Doesn't matter why it didn't work, only that repeat mistakes are a big waste of time.
If you can't do that kind of self evaluation, and self control, bail now. Be honest, say you can't handle it, at least for now, and don't be the kind of douche that pretends to be a friend for ulterior motives. Nobody likes that kind of person, even that kind of person.
If it hurts that much, and you still yearn for a relationship but she doesn't, then it's best to move on and keep your distance. Otherwise this just ends in even more heartbreak for the both of you. If you were friends before, and got into a relationship - that's the risk that you take by moving it past that line. Very few people can move back across that line into friendship.
If you feel "romantic" feelings for someone, that isn't going to go away unless they spoil those feelings by not being someone you would have interest in. It can be easier if you are with someone you prefer being with, but it will still be there.
Just move on and stop trying to be her friend. Your feelings towards her that aren't shared are going to make things unfavorable and she isn't going to come around and want you as a romantic partner.
Just be casual friends that see each other at martial arts or through mutual friends and nothing more.
I have found that the relationship you had dictates if this is possible. If my own feelings are to strong it just is not possible. The older I have gotten the easier it is and also the longer the relationship the easier it is. Yes you would think it would be harder but if it went so long you likely were pretty nice, stable, mature folks. I dunno I have had both but it really just sorta depends.
It takes time, and some distance. Also, be honest with what you hoped to make sure there is no misunderstanding.
Give yourself the time to go through your emotions and come to term with it, if she can't accept that then that's on her.
- boundaries, civility
- being clear in your mind what you want and why (not to be closer)
- time, though there may never be enough to completely stop the pain