9mo ago

First date of my life I am shook I cannot believe this is real

i genuinely feel like my entire life and mindset have done a... at least a 90 by now, by somehow, somehow getting this hail mary pass off and setting this up. i can't believe this is real life it's very bizarre, i'm just shaking with anxiety and energy

i just feel like she'll hate me upon first sight (this was thru an app) for some reason, she'll sense the autism, she'll know i'm off and the next hour will be awkward and she'll politely say goodbye.

i mean, alternatively, it could go well, she could be cool. she seems cool which i suppose is why i did this. what is happening i cannot believe these are things that are going on in my life i feel like i was just in a major major hitting slump for 10 years, strikeout after strikeout

and then also what if she ghosts me or stands me up like in the films. what then? add it to the list of failures and try to rebuild my self image?

aghufasdf

21 comments

My tipp: don't try to analyze and think to much about yourself. It's like thinking about the way you walk and suddenly walking feels strange and forced. You can't change who you are, don't even try it.
Instead try to focus on her, everyone loves a good, active listener. You are there to get to know her anyway, aren't you?
One thing you should take to your heart. Finding a good match isn't an easy task, don't go on a date expecting her to be the one. Eventually you will get disappointed or rejected, that is totally normal and nothing to worry about. It just means you and her weren't a good fit.
And don't try to act in a way thats untypical for you just to impress her. You want her to get to know the real you, not the impression of someone you think she would like.
Think about it like a casual date without any expectations is the best you can do

Been writing an article about dating while being AuDHD. While I am not going to pretend I am some guru that is going to turn your dating experience upside down, I have a few things that have worked for me:
Be open about your neurodivergency. If a person is worth it, they will be interested to know more about it, try to understand and accommodate your needs, and be charmed by your quirks.
Respect your RSD. If you feel like you are receiving negative feedback don't shutdown, instead ask for clarification. If you want to do something but are afraid how it will be perceived, ask them. Unsurprisingly, people tend to appreciate the check-ins, it is perceived as you being caring.
Try pebbling. It is the act of sharing things that you think the other person would appreciate. Feel free to info dump, feel free to share relevant experiences.
Be meta as fuck. Explain your thought process, why you are doing something, and that train of thought that led to you saying seemingly completely irrelevant. Allistic people don't understand neurodivergence, but the right people will make the effort.
Be honest. Maybe you don't feel safe to expose your date to your fully unmasked self, and that's okay. BUT, honesty can go a long way. See something you like? Turn that into a compliment! Feeling insecure? Explain that and ask for validation! Something bothers you? Ask for the appropriate accommodations!
Don't try to impress the other person. Instead give your date the chance to like the real you. It's much more sustainable in the long term, you will feel more free and safe in your relationship, and it's fucking good to be appreciated.
Routinize flirting. The consistency feels great for the other person, everyone needs a confidence boost and a few words of affirmation.
- Good advice, I agree with it nearly 100%.
  Out of curiosity, how much of it do you personally think is specific to neurodivergent people? Because outside of (obviously) number one, I think that's just good advice in general.
- So it's been a month. Care to link to your article about dating?
  
  I have procrastinated the hell out of it 😭 Thanks for reminding me though ❤️

You got this! And congrats! Just remember to relax! I bet you’ll have a great time, but if any of those negative things happen don’t worry about it! You’ve proven you can get dates so it won’t be your last chance anyway. And who knows, they might have asd as well!
What other good things have been goin on for ya?

Autism is not a deal-breaker. My spouse has ADHD and I have ASD. Granted, each of our neurotypes causes the other some frustration, but both are also factors in why we were attracted to each other in the first place.
Neurodivergent individuals often select for each other in partners and there are a lot of similar patterns in my extended family (to use your phrasing, they're all a bit "off"!). None of the relationship failures have been as a result of neurotype and most are still married, with the failures due to the same problems that NT couples deal with - poor communication, emotional immaturity, refusal to learn and grow, etc.
The key thing is to be yourself. If she likes you, you want her to like you for you, not the facade that so many of us have to wear to survive in the NT world.
And if she ghosts you, that's not a failure on your part. It says more about her than you - you took the risk and put yourself out there. If she doesn't show, perhaps she is insecure and afraid of telling you she's changed her mind, or perhaps something happened to prevent her from being there (since you mention films, this is a common trope too). Just be kind to yourself.

This is a big deal, all i can say is, Good luck, and hope everything ends up well for both of you.

i just feel like she'll hate me upon first sight
Do not trust the self-doubt. The self-doubt lies to you to get your attention. Do not listen to the self-doubt.
and then also what if she ghosts me or stands me up like in the films. what then? add it to the list of failures and try to rebuild my self image?
Then life continues. The "what if"s aren't worth your time. Making an attempt is never a failure. You might not get the outcome that you hope for, but that is not a failure and it does not make you a failure.
OP you sound a bit like you're spiraling in anxiety. If you have someone in your life that you can talk to that helps you get calm and centered, please do that.
Don't go to this date thinking it might be your only chance for romance or whatever. That's too much pressure on you, and on her.
Go to the date with the mindset of meeting a new friend and getting to know them. Go to meet the other person, as they are, in that moment, and be in the moment with them.

If she ghosts you or stands you up or there are other problems then just acknowledge it and move on. Sometimes people are compatible and it's great, but other times people aren't a good fit. If it turns out that she's not into you or if she doesn't treat you nicely then that doesn't mean that you failed in making her like you. Your goal is to get to know her a little better right now, and to be yourself and to try to have a good time. That's all

If it doesn't work out, it's fine. Soooo many first dates don't work out. It's painful to date and it's normal.
I would have the attitude that you are just going to meet this person and it's not a huge deal if it doesn't work out. Don't put pressure on yourself that this is going to be some magical moment. It's just a person on the other side, with lots of flaws and insecurities and may even not be a nice person.
Try to chill and see if you are a good fit together. If not, it's fine.
It's all about if you are a good fit together. Maybe you go there and she is annoying and awful. It's possible. So just relax.

Bring your best self, instead of your best caricature impression of somebody else you think would be successful.
The goal is just to get to know each other and talk a bit, and see if you both think that hanging out with each other more would be fun. Frame it like that and you might feel a little less anxious or awkward.

It's been two days, how did it go??
- She stole his kidney.

The goal is pretty simple. Try to have fun & leave her with the memory of a good date. If there’s a 2nd date great! If not, also great - provided both parties had fun

you are afraid she doesn't like you, but what if you don't like her? do not think of this person as "the one" before you even meet. that may seem desperate, and women can smell that from a mile away. even if this doesn't work out, you get stronger and more confident after every failure.

Confidence. Normal people are attracted to people that are just confident in being who they are. The rest doesn't matter, and if it does, you dodged a bullet.
Here you go.

You'd not probably be able to avoid fixations and doubts like these, but there's a sober reminder that many shy people can't land a date like you did and this person is somehow interested in you, so there you have a higher ground. If you don't feel like speaking, ask them, as people like talking about themselves, and listen, add supportive questions about the details for them to talk more. Don't shoot them with 'I am on the spectrum' and let them see for themselves if they vibe with you.

she’ll sense the autism
What if she does, but it's a good thing?

Good luck, just try your best and I'm sure everything will work out, and try not to stress about a possible future that is not real. Think about what other possibilities there are besides the bad ones, like ghosting etc.

so, how did it go?

21 comments