1y ago

If you found an f35 fighter jet in south carolina, what would you do with it?

104 comments

Two chicks at the same time
- Thats it? If you had a fighter jet, you’d do two chicks at the same time?
  
  Chicks love fighter jets

Return it to Pepsi.

I discover the crashed F35 in my lone walk in the woods. As I start to take it apart for parts, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Lockheed. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the feds come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of FBI. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Lockheed to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the F35

Considering it is apparently a federal offense to tamper with aviation debris or accident scenes (assuming the plane looks intact) absolutely nothing, call local cops, they call AF.
- Oh boy, aren't you the life of the party

question why in the hell I am in South Carolina?
- That is a very good question. Next question please.
- You were visiting south of the border.
- Great BBQ. Those rednecks do NOT fuck around with a pork shoulder. Charleston has really great food. Also, the hunley museum is pretty cool.
  Otherwise, it's great if you also happen to be into book burning, or if you're a completionist collecting STDs.
- Same, I live nowhere near the place

Trade it in for a boatload of pepsi points.

Call the number on one of the "Plane missing! Have you seen me? ✈️ ✈️ ✈️" posters the Air Force put up all over the neighborhood.
- turns up with weirdly f35 fighter jet shaped stomach. No, officer! I have never seen any jet, none at all! Nope, not a single tasty fighter jet around here! hic
  
  Don't let the officer hear you call him a hick. He'll shoot you.
- Its on the light poles with the lost cat.

Claim 10% finders fee and retire.

Hotbox the cockpit. And this would only be the 2nd time I hotboxed the cockpit of a fighterjet.
- Story time! Details please!
  
  Ha, I thought nobody would ask. It probably will be quite a disapointing story though, sorry.
  Anyway, I was on holiday in Slovakia and basically, they just have old sovjet jets sitting around. We visited a very small "airport" (the runway was grass) used for skydiving. And they just had a MiG-21 sitting behind the building. No fence or anything. One of the Skydiving company staff said I can sit in it, if I want. So I did. He didn't come with me or anything. It was also out if sight from anyone on the airfield.
  Apperently this isn't unusual at all and these planes are just sitting around in random fields as "decoration".
  Here's a googlemaps link. I sat in that one!
  
  It means they snuck in and farted the cockpit green right before the pilot came to fly it.

Assuming I could figure out how to turn that thing on, I would definitely:
Take off
Go to maximum velocity
Burn out all the fuel
Acknowledge that I have no idea of where or how to land
Look for the button to the ejection seat
Glide down towards the equator
Eyeball the necessary altitude
Push the button
Pull the parachute cord
Flip both the birds
Land on a beach
Walk up to the bar
Ask for a beer
Run from the bill
- Minor detail, the original pilot left it via the ejector seat...
  
  I'll bring a lawn chair then.
- take off
  Knew you meant it as a joke but i thought it interesting to share that Fighters don't have a simple "start" button, here's a F-16 startup sequence for reference.
  
  Good thing I've watched that video, twice then!
  
  Most of that isn't involved in actually starting the plane.
  They are things that would be good to have done to fly safely. Something analogous to turning on and tuning the radio in a car. You can absolutely start the engine and drive the car without doing that.
  
  Should have grabbed the Harrier.
- This one doesn't have an ejection seat, remember?
- Limp to the bar, stumble away from the bill.
  Ejection seats often cause career-ending musculoskeletal injuries to the lumbar spine and hips. It's is a very violent way to leave an airplane, but much less violent than the alternative.
  
  There's also the teensy problem of the last guy to fly the plane took the seat with him.

I would fly into the dangerzone.
- dramatically intense 80s electric guitar solo

Sit in the cockpit and make plane, missile, and machine gun noises since I don’t even know how to turn one on let alone fly it.
- Pretty sure this one comes without a seat, and the aftermarket prices are ridiculius!

Just a reminder, the last guy to fly it took the seat with him.

Assuming no consequences, I'd love to open various panels and try and figure out what does what. It'd be really cool to see inside one of those.
- Aaaaand this is how you get suspected of being a Chinese spy.
  
  I said no consequences...

get as far away as possible, the smoldering wreckage will be full of toxic gasses and contaminants

Since it tricked the pilot into ejecting, I assume it's gone feral and is still buzzing around looking for a mate. If I didn't have a big net to snag it in, I'd have to build a wooden decoy or perhaps just leave a paddling pool full of jet fuel out in a clearing. I'd keep my distance at first and try to gain it's trust.

It's a Marine F-35B and likely crashed into a lake.
- ba dum tss!

Treat that mid thirties lady to a nice relaxing spa day. Somewhere romantic, lots of targets and no hard deck.

Use it to fly back home, realize I don’t know how to fly. I’d assume crash after that, but there’s a good chance I wouldn’t be able to figure out how to turn it on, in which case I’d take a bus.

Stay away from it, I am fine flying paraglider or ultra-lights , but the F-35 crashes way too much to my taste

I'd go to the beach because I am somehow in South Carolina.
Also, I guess call the USAF and report the location.
Maybe they'd give me a ride to the beach as a thank you...

Call Kenny Loggins.

I'd steal the pilot SOB's glasses. So long, sucka! Nice half a jet you got there, corpse-looking bastard. haHAA
- haha

How cool would it be to hook the joystick up to your PC? And a panel of switches or three.
- They, uh…. Sell those control sticks for thst exact purpose.
  
  Yeah but, this one is free, and authentic

id figure out how i can build a motor bike around one of the jets

Sky King

I'd stare at it and touch it. I obviously can't fly one so it's not much use to me.
I'd take a picture cause no one would believe me.
- I've got like 50h in flight simulator, I'm sure I could take it for a spin, what could go wrong.
  
  First thing you do is hit the eject seat button.

Me? I would defect to Ukraine and really weird them out.

Is it wrecked or perfect?
If perfect: I'd totally try flying it. Probably crash, but it would be worth it to see how good all those flight sims where I've flown an F-35 stand up to reality.
- Is it wrecked or perfect?
  The pilot ejected...so the first one.
  
  Scrapping it for parts. Though I'm not sure how to get in contact with black markets that would want the weapons. 🤔

Fill out with dirt and plant flowers inside ..... and put a statue of the Virgin Mary in the cockpit

Invade Serbia

Bomb Palm Beach

Grab any modular electronics, charter a boat to the Bahamas, divert to Cuba after stashing them on a deserted island along the way. Use a thumb drive of pictures to bargain for the gps coordinates to China.
Unless I thought of something better along the way.
- Couldnt china get the same hardware from Afghanistan?
  
  China has probably gotten more from their various intel ops in the US supply chain. There isn't a lot they could get in the field without risking serious repercussions.
  
  No. This is the first F35 to crash.

Loot it for cool stuff, then just walk away and call nobody, because it’s not my problem. Calling someone would basically be volunteering for an interrogation. Fuck that noise.

Sell it
- For meth

104 comments