Passion

I feel like the things I think can't be made real. Does that make sense? There's so much in my head that it feels impossible to get it all out. I can't formulate the words, I can't draw my thoughts either. I think that's why I like poetry, not that I'm good at that either, but I like that it's meant to be a way to say how you feel without having to spell it out, because I can't spell it out.

A lot of the time, these posts feel like poetry to me. I'm aware they don't really come across as such, and they're clumsy and rambling, but it's a way I have found to express myself.

I talk about the things I love because I think maybe people will understand me, if they know what I care about. Even if I can't tell them who I am, they might be able to guess at the shape of me from how I interact with the world.

I'm not sure I have passions. I have things I love, like my family and taking a walk at night and listening to music and reading a nice book. I love doing those things, but I'm not sure they're passions. I feel like, maybe, I've been conditioned to see passions as things you want to do all the time. Or maybe that is what a passion is. Or maybe not.

I think that my shot at doing something meaningful is so small that it's not worth trying. I still feel that I should try, though I don't want to. I saw a video just a bit ago about having talent but no passion. I've never really struggled in my life; I think that's a combination of luck and talent. I think I'm really good at getting things done. I'm one of those people that never tries and still somehow manages to do it. I was like that in high-school, during my bachelor's, during my master's, I'm doing it during my PhD. I just put it a little bit of work and it keeps working out. I guess it upsets me that I manage to get through life without effort, because I feel like I'm being pushed forward without direction. I just keep going because doors just keep opening for me and I feel like I should take them, even though I don't want to. Maybe that's talent without passion. Sometimes I get bursts of interest in something, sometimes that's my work, but even then I always just get that feeling that I don't need to try. That even if I just keep going I'm gonna get there, and trying hard will just be worthless effort.

I've been saying for a while that my dream was to be a waiter at a sweets' shop. I honestly think that's true. I've always thought the idea of a dead-end job to be really appealing, something where you just clock in and clock out, you do the same things every day, there's no expectations one way or the other, you just do your thing and that's it.

If I could choose what I do from now until I retire, I'd choose to be a waiter at a sweets' shop.