Just a tiny bit spicy

If I say I want spicy -- I want to be in visible discomfort and bystanders should be concerned for my safety.
- "If they tell you it's spicy, it's hot. If they tell you it's hot, you'd better not.

There was a place on Venice beach called Rose's Thai Window which had the best pad Thai. You could get it mild, medium, spicy, or 'Rose spicy', which is how she made it for herself. Whenever we tried to order it Rose spicy, she would flat out tell us no. On the last day the place was open, before she moved back to Thailand, she finally made it for us. I lasted literally 2 bites before I couldn't taste anything anymore, except pain.

- I went to an Indian place once and asked the waiter to make my food spicy. It was kinda medium-spicy, and when the waiter asked if it was spicy enough, I--stupid white boy I am--said no. He took the dish back to the kitchen. He returned a little later with the chef. They both watched me take a bite and regret my decision. Through the tears, I told them the Spice was just right. They laughed.

This is basically how I do my order at a Chinese spot near work, most of the time they don’t listen though and still give me white people heat.
- From the restaurant's perspective I can kind of understand. They don't want to serve you a meal that they suspect you won't be able to eat because it's a bad look for their business. And if you complain, being too spicy is also way harder to rectify than being not spicy enough so they play it safe initially. Though it obviously sucks if you're specifically looking for spicy food.
  This is why I advocate for chili oil, white pepper, and other condiments at the table or provided on request at Chinese restaurants. As a Chinese person who likes to fine tune the spice level of my food or change the spice level part way through. It also basically means the kitchen doesn't really have to worry about if something is too mild in the same way they don't have to worry if it's not salty enough.

Spicy… pad thai 🤣 I said my tapioca pudding wasn’t spicy last time.
- Idk about you, but a really spicy pad Thai is 🔥
  
  Maybe, but I think his point is that pad Thai isn't a spicy dish to begin with. So it would be a weird complaint to make in the first place.

I work at a Thai restaurant. Pro tip: get phat kee mao/drunken noodles instead if you like heat
- Pad kee mao is way better than pad thai imo. Even it spicy you can still taste other flavors compare to pad thai I think it just bland.
- R2-D2One of the hottest dishes I've ever eaten where there was still flavor was boat noodle soup. I think it was with cow blood instead of pig blood. When they asked me how spicy, I said "make it how it's supposed to be." It burned, but I could still taste everything. Perfrct.

"Like you would make it for your grandma" usually works for me. But not if it's the whole order, only if I am trying to get one item really spicy.
Once at an Indian buffet, the owner had okra out & I was so happy, love okra but he kept warning me off it - "no, no, it's spicy" and I was like "Great!" and he would say "no, no, I mean it's spicy" he really was worried.
Nope. It was not. Like, some perceptible heat, sure. But nothing anyone would consider too spicy. Like medium taco bell packet of hot sauce spicy. I was so disappointed after all the warnings!
- I once bought "4/5 chilli peppers, EXTRA HEAT" meat, pre-sauces for the grill. It was not even in the slightest sense spicy, even water is spicier.

Meanwhile, OP doesn't say if it was spicy enough or if he went to the hospital because it was too spicy

Just ask for Thai level of normal spicy and your asshole will burn for a week. When you ask for spicy and you are a non-thai they just skip spicy all together. If you feel spiciness that's from previous meal and it survived washing the plate.