'Uber for Armed Guards' Rushes to Market Following the Assassination of UnitedHealthcare CEO
Are you scared to walk down the streets of NYC and also have too much money? There's an app for that.
I'm not sure they've thought this through... If CEOs start hiring armed guards, then doesn't the next Luigi just become one? Uber-like services aren't exactly known for their stringent hiring practices.
Shhhh 🤫
This isn't for CEOs. This is for people with more money than sense who are also paranoid as fuck. CEOs can afford to hire security that they can run thorough background checks on.
It's literally being marketed to them...
From the article:
Who is this for, you might ask? A video posted on January 6, 2025, that runs just over two minutes gives the game away. It opens with a photo of assassinated UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson. “We’re going to run through a scenario to demonstrate, where if a Protector had been present, crisis could have been averted,” the Protector says in the video. He then runs through several fantasy versions of the assassination where a Protector is on hand to prevent the assassin from killing the CEO.
Also,
This is for people with more money than sense who are also paranoid as fuck.
You've just described CEOs.
Yeah like my first thought was well the next Luigi can get paid to be given the adress to show up to.
The beauty of Luigi's* escapade is that they had no fucking clue who he was until they arrested him - over a hundred miles away in fucking Pennsylvania. If he had committed to the bit and put more thought into the getaway he probably could have gotten away with it completely.
You get hired by this service, they will have all your personal info and that will get handed over to authorities immediately if you went rogue. You would be an FBI top 10 fugitive and have millions of dollars spent on bringing you in, warm or cold.
*allegedly, innocent until proven guilty, etc.
All your personal info, assuming you didn't fake any of it.
How thoroughly are they going to check that stuff?
Gig economy businesses rely on disposable work force. The deal they're offering is horrible for their "employees," but because they only pay for the work that actually gets done they can afford to just hire every applicant and let them fight among themselves for a limited amount of available work.
Stringent application controls and serious background checks are anathema to that business model.
This service isn't for CEOs, it's for upper middle class people with recency bias.
Rich don’t mean smart
That's already existed for years: https://www.eightblack.com/
They run a side-hustle of sometimes on-time airport shuttles (not armed.)
Systematically driving down the wages of the people you expect to catch a bullet for you by gig-ifying their industry seems like a pretty terrible idea if you're someone who depends on armed security for your continued existence.
I guess I'll go make some popcorn.
You know what this reminds me of? Commercials from Robocop:
That ED-209 scene is comedic as hell.
I already have a subscription with Trauma Team
Sweet! They're giving would-be assassins the perfect way to get close to their target! 😃
Would you trust your life to be well-protected by someone you hire for $18/hour in a gig economy?
Grifters gonna grift.
Surge pricing when?
Be the change you want to see in the world?
Awesome idea for an app!
The capitalists will "efficiency" aka be greedy and pocket what they should have spent on their app's vetting process into being useless, basically opening the door to hiring potential heroes who wish to do the right thing being given the capitalist's location and being invited to show up armed.
Five stars!
Brilliant, just the thing I need to protect me from all the disgusting poors that I've fucked over to become obscenely wealthy; gig workers with no job security!
I'm happy to volunteer as a driver!
Countdown to when they make the public pay for it again like they did when they pushed for their private security to be made into police forces.
Sure would be a shame if a bunch of normal people hired them for bachelorette parties and stuff, preventing them from responding to CEO requests.
Just sayin'... our 15th Wedding Anniversary is coming up, who wouldn't want an Escalade entourage? ;)
That's who is going to be hiring them though. People who have no need for such security because they were never in any danger to begin with, but had the money to throw away on this either because they're paranoid or they want to show off.
CEOs can afford Academi.
They CAN, but they are also notoriously cheap. :)
I do wonder what this service costs though.
They should’ve called it Goonr
That's a totally different service
What's more baffling to me, why the hell is it high up in the rankings on an app store? Are there that many wealthy people that have killed millions with pens? Least I thought apps were ranked by how many people use them rather than how much money they bring in). Plus you'd figure most the people in the budget to be hiring motorcades... would be better served hiring a few full time security guards.
Plus you’d figure most the people in the budget to be hiring motorcades… would be better served hiring a few full time security guards.
One thing you can never underestimate is just how cheap some of these cunts are.
Their promo video is hilarious. Agent 47 over here immediately jumps behind the "protectee" as she climbs into an SUV, like six inches behind her. Even though he has backup and there is no crowd, he's handling it like a celebrity-vs-mob situation or something. He has no clue what he's doing, just what he thinks looks right for the camera.
I've worked with a real, retired bodyguard before; somebody who has had to protect people from actual, active threats in hostile environments. He was the head of security at the office I worked in, and was chill as fuck. People like that carry themselves a certain way. They move with intent and telegraph nothing. The dude I worked with was in his 60s but could still whoop my ass before I knew what hit me, he was like what I'd imagine a retired Jason Bourne to be.
These guys are like... the Paul Blart version of that. They're just doing live-fire LARPing.
This is real?!? When I first heard about this, I thought it was a joke.