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  • I went to professional thai massage therapy recommended by my colleagues. I had extreme reservations because of... well, you know, it's a thai massage. But my colleagues swore that the salon was legit, very professional, articulate staff, no sexual component included, very relaxing, does wonders for your neck. So what the hell, as a desk jockey my neck hurts all the time, I'll give it a try.

    Cautiously, I booked a neck and shoulder massage online. When I turned up, there was no receptionist, just a harried-looking middle-aged thai lady who spoke not a word of any language comprehensible to me. She hustled me into a bare room with a forlorn massage table in the middlle, and told me via Google Translate to remove my clothes.

    Startled to obedience, I removed my button-up shirt and approached the table. This did not go down well with the lady, who prodded me with a bony finger and indicated that t-shirt and trousers should go too. I tried to point out that I had booked a neck and shoulders massage but to no avail. CLOTHES OFF SIR nagged the phone screen.

    So there I was, in my embarrassing tighty whities shivering in a cold room, wishing I had worn my "Sounds GAY I'm in" boxers, undoubtedly about to be ravished by an increasingly annoyed thai lady who kept prodding and poking me towards the table.

    I'll not go into details about what happened, except it was not in any way what I was expecting. She mauled me with a strength of dozen bears, cracking my joints, pulverizing my buttocks. She turned my unwilling chubby body into such contortions that I had to squeeze my sphincter shut as if my life depended on it, in order not to rip out a series of massive farts. I'll give her that there indeed was no happy ending, but it was an hour of absolute agony and I when I finally limped out, tears in my eyes, belt undone and my shirt buttons crooked, I felt like I had been waterboarded by CIA for weeks.

    I don't think I need to say that it was the first and last massage in my life.

  • Go to a concert. I was young, but it was so loud and crowded that I cried. I know that's the concert experience, but it's too much for me. I don't do live performances that aren't theater/Orchestra.

  • My Dad and I impulsively got on the Zipper ride at the festival. Absolutely loved it, will never ever do it again, 10/10, do not recommend

  • I went to a Young Life gathering to try and meet people at uni freshman year. The first one was a slightly awkward BBQ at someone's off campus house. The second was on campus event that dropped off into that Uncanny Valley of mormon-like sing-alongs and activities.

    My buddy and I surveyed the room, felt the hair on the back of our necks prickle, and we got out of there.

    If you've seen Heretic or The Endless, it gave off those religious vibes. Too happy/smiley. Too weirdly perfect. Everyone talking about volunteering at kids camps over the summer and how fulfilling it was.

    Like, I'm glad that people found something they liked. But it wasn't people talking about real stuff, like their awesome mountain biking adventure over the summer, or volunteering overseas to rescue animals, or even getting over alcoholism. It was all hyper religious forced positivity, and this is coming from someone who grew up religious.

  • hydro massage. one of the worst physical sensations I've ever experienced. imagine being poked by an annoying toddler through a canvas tarp 100 times a second and also the tarp is warm and there are LOUD water sounds and your skin starts itching and just NOOOOOOPE

    I'll stick with the regular massage chairs and actual massage therapy!

174 comments