2d ago

Suggestions for men to develop proper masculinity

toxic masculinity, tons of people aware of the bad things but most people think its taboo for men to think about their social reformation.

Some of my more well versed lady friends basically describe it like "the women can't do all the social reformation, men gotta do their part too"

Would be nice to make this thread into a list of resources, like groups, YouTube channels, websites, books, whatever.

It would be very helpful to define these things for people too I think, I don't think there is a name for men's social revolution yet, or at least one that is well known.

60 comments

Work first on being a good human.
That will make you a good (and attractive) man or woman.
The archaic concept of masculinity or femininity itself is wretched.
People worry far too much about what others think of them and what mold they should fit into. Be yourself. Be a good, caring, empathetic person with convictions and passions and hobbies. Become proficient in one or more things so others find you interesting. Learn how to do things without the aid of technology. Read books. Travel as far as you can. Give a shit about yourself and your community.
If you’re struggling to fit a mold that society is telling you you should fit into, you’re already lost. That doesn’t mean you can’t find yourself. It means that mold probably isn’t right for you. And there is nothing wrong with that. If others have a problem with you not being what they expect, that’s their issue to resolve. The sooner you’re able to let go of societal concepts, the more free you’ll be to be the best version of you.
Don’t confuse being a good man and being a good person. It’s the same thing. There is nothing you can do to become more of a man that won’t make you more of a person.
- People worry far too much about what others think of them and what mold they should fit into.
  Become proficient in one or more things so others find you interesting.
  No offense, cause I think your message is good overall, but you contradict yourself in the same paragraph.
  Trying to learn things so others will like you more isn't a great way to do it. I know because I tried that. My self-love became conditional with that mindset, and there was always something else I could come up with I had to learn or change about myself before I could be lovable.
  My old therapist called me out on it. He said there's nothing wrong with pushing yourself to improve, but if you don't balance that with unconditional self love it will simply lead to depression.
  
  Not worrying about how others perceive you and having something interesting to share with others is not contradictory.
  I don’t have to like you or agree with you to listen to something you feel passionate about to share. Have you heard of YouTube?
  If you’re weird and you have nothing interesting to share, if you lack the confidence to speak with others, then I’m not very likely to give you much attention.
  Learning something “so others will like you” is exactly what I’m suggest you do not do. You should learn something so that you have personal confidence in something. The more you become proficient in something, the more confident you’ll become overall. Accomplishing goals and overcoming obstacles breeds confidence. It may help your social interactions if that thing is less niche and more universal but not exclusively.
  This is why people ask others what they do for a living. They want to hear you speak about something they presume you’re passionate about. There’s a hope to engage in a conversation or to learn something from you. If you have some niche hobby or job and you’re good at it, people will listen to you. You may even find people come up to you at a party to hear more about what you feel so strongly about.
  Don’t ever do something solely because you think it will make others like you more. If you’re not doing it for yourself, you’re not able to put all of yourself into it. You’ll never own that thing. You’ll just be renting it for others.
  
  It was the "so others find you interesting" part I was reacting to. It sounds like that's not what you meant, so don't worry about it.
  
  Gotcha. I probably could have phrased that better.
- The archaic concept of masculinity or femininity itself is wretched.
  That works for me, but some people really like the construct of gender. Transpeople just being the most visible case.
  If you want to get really into sports and car mechanics, or really into makeup and pastels that's fine. Just don't grow the corresponding bad emotional self-care or inauthentic relationships.
- Yeah this is the most best advice in this context tbh. Sometimes it is helpful to meet people where they are too which is often doing things targeted to men.

60 comments