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On a fine Monday morning, Steve Huffman, known colloquially as Spez, awoke from his gold-threaded sheets in his penthouse, sipping on his ethically questionable yet preposterously expensive civet coffee. He looked out his windows, the horizon offering the perfect view of his kingdom, his creation, his Reddit.
Having decided to raise the cost of API use to levels that would make a NASA engineer's jaw drop, Spez had embarked on a mission to squelch third-party apps, steering users towards the official (albeit buggy) Reddit app. He chuckled to himself, confident that his plot was as foolproof as an uncrackable safe.
Little did he know, the storm was brewing.
As he logged on, dressed in his favorite power suit, he noticed the eerie silence. Subreddits, once buzzing hives of memes, jokes, and shower thoughts, were now as barren as the surface of Mars. The once-mighty r/AskReddit, now reduced to a ghost town, echoed with digital tumbleweeds.
Confused, he navigated to r/pics. The screen loaded and his eyes were met with an endless scroll of buttholes, every variety, shape, and color imaginable. His newly nanobot-manicured eyebrows knitted together in bewilderment.
“Must be a new meme trend,” he said, shrugging it off.
He then moved to r/science, a bastion of intellect and reason, only to find NSFW content occupying every single thread. The Higgs boson was being discussed in a manner Einstein could never have predicted.
“What in the name of...?” He blinked, checking whether he was still on Reddit and not some obscure corner of the dark web.
He decided to investigate, opening his mailbox. "Surely my loyal subjects will inform me what's going on," he mused.
And inform they did. His inbox was flooded with messages, each more colorful than the last. "Spez, you're a legend!" one began, before ending with a plot twist, "...at being a daft cunt."
"Has everyone lost their minds?" he wondered, failing to connect the dots.
He banished anyone who dared cross him, banning his way through his subjects like a monarch with an itchy trigger finger.
As the day wore on, Spez grew restless. His grand plan was not unfolding as expected. But, in his characteristic arrogance, he was certain that the chaos would soon subside and he would ascend as the one true app lord.
In his plush office, surrounded by screens showing falling Reddit stocks, he clutched a crystal ball he bought from a New Age store, whispering, “Soon, my Reddit will be worth billions…” The crystal ball, deciding it had enough, promptly rolled off his desk and shattered on the Italian marble floor.
In the end, a day that began with grand ambitions ended with a lonely billionaire, surrounded by pictures of buttholes, an inbox full of profanity, a shattered crystal ball, and a kingdom in chaos.
Unbeknownst to him, the Reddit community reveled in their rebellion. They might not have won the war yet, but oh, how they celebrated the battles. As the moon replaced the sun, one phrase echoed throughout the kingdom of Reddit, repeated in posts and comments, whispered in DMs, etched into the heart of the rebellion,
"Fuck Spez."
Any ongoing crowdfunding for your upcoming book? Give me a link please? You got me interested. Anything published already?
Let’s sing all together:
Well Spez is a cunt, he's a big fat cunt, He's the biggest cunt in the whole wide world. He’s a stupid cunt, if there ever was a cunt, He's a cunt to all the boys and girls.
On Monday, he's a cunt, On Tuesday, he's a cunt, On Wednesday though Saturday, he's a cunt, Then on Sunday, just to be different, He's a super King Kamehameha Cunt.
Have you ever met Reddits Spez? He's the biggest cunt in the whole wide world, (La-la-la-la-la-la-la) He's a mean ol' cunt and he has wangy eyes, He's a cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt.
Cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, He's a stupid cunt! (Woah!)! Reddits Spez is a cunt, And he's such a dirty cunt! (Cunt!)!
I really mean it, that Spez, he's a real big fuckin' cunt, big ol' fat fuckin' cunt, u/spez! Yeah, cha!
This is now canon.
This is a masterpiece
"an endless scroll of buttholes"
art
Tried to record an amusing audio of this but fucked it up
I read it in David Attenborough's voice. It was glorious.
You should read it in The Narrator from The Stanley Parable's voice next.
I'd be saving your post if I knew how to do it.
The little rectangle with a triangle out of the bottom, beside the downvote buttone, saves comments for later enjoyment. Happy Lemmying!
Thanks, it doesn't work or I don't know where to find my saved posts. I'm using wefwef, so I tought it'd be a feature yet to be implemented.
Ah shoot, just logged into Wefwef and see it doesn't have it! I'm using Jerboa and it does have save functions if that's an option for you :)
Wefwef has a save button but I don’t know where the saved content goes.
If you've got a way to access your user profile via a browser (mobile works too), you can see your saved posts there.
On any page, click/press the hamburger icon on the top-leftmost part of your screen. It'd open up a menu (or an area) where you can see your profile picture and username at the very bottom. There's a triangle next to your username, click/press that.
Another menu/area opens up that has options "Profile", "Settings", and "Logout". Click/press "Profile" to see your user profile.
You're then taken to a different page (which you can directly go to via
https://your.lemmy.instance/u/your_username, for example: https://lemmy.world/u/AllGoesUpMustGoDown). There, you can choose between "Overview", "Comments", "Posts" and "Saved." That last link (to your saved posts/comments) won't be visible to others (I tried).PS: I tried looking for the same in wefwef, but I can't find it as well.
PPS: Weirdly enough, it might be faster to just go directly via the address bar of your (mobile) browser if you know what you're doing, lol!
Edit: Typos and shit. Added PPS part.
Ironically, I accidentally found the saved part yesterday trying to find something I posted, but that was quite an informative guide! However, apparently something you save via the wefwef save button doesn’t actually save, the button seems just for show. Thought it was a .world bug at first, with the influx of Redditors happening yesterday.
You use your words prettier than a $20 whore.
This is pure, artistic and linguistical gold. Bravo!
I need this entire comment printed out and framed. Its composure is truly artistic!