What’s in a name?

This is just because English sucks, or English speaking people suck at naming things. Let me show you how it's done:
In Dutch:
Horseshoe crabs are called "dagger crabs", and look what it's dragging behind.
Cuttlefish are called "ink fish", and tadaa.
Jellyfish are "kwallen", which means roughly "annoying person", and they're pretty annoying.
Bald eagles are "American Eagles", you're welcome.
A sand dollar is called a "sea coin", because of where it lives and what it resembles, which is way more accurate.
And a fly is still a fly.
- In Dutch, the Common Drone Fly is also called "Blinde Bij", which means "Blind Bee". This is because this animal is neither blind nor a bee and the Dutch are very good at naming things
  
  I read Blinde Bij as Blind Bitch lmao
- Animals who do not live up to thier names Dutch edition.
  Dagger Crabs - Don't have daggers and not crabs.
  Ink Fish - Not actually fish.
  Kwallen- Not actually a person.
  American Eagles - Found all over Canada and upper Mexico.
  Sea Coins - Can't actually be used as coins.
  
  Canada and Mexico are still America so I‘d say it does live up to its name
  
  Canada and Mexico are still part of the Americas.

Secretarybird: refuses to schedule my meetings

king cobra - not a true cobra & snakes are largely self-organizing without monarchs
- We’re more of an autonomous collective!
  I like the philosophical implications of the word king in the context of king snakes. For snakes, it just means that their diet consists primarily of other snakes. This implies that to be a king is to be a predator who preys on his own subjects.
- They're probably anarchist
  
  Ssssssssnake jazz
  
  Checkmate

Animals that live up to their acronym:
Goat
Change my mind
- Animals that live up to their backronym:
  pig
  Pink inquisitive grunter
  
  It's probably a typo but 'backronym' is a great word and concept. Backwards acronym.

Bat (useless as a blunt weapon)
- A bat bat on the other hand...
  
  Manbatman or Batmanbat?
- now that just depends on your swing game

In my town there's a shop that sells rocks and crystals etc. They also sell sand dollars for $1. That's right, there's a 1:1 conversion rate between sand dollars and USD.
- They probably never change that price either, so it's actually pinned to the dollar.
  
  Better than most* cryptos.
  *well...
- Interesting. In south FL you can (or could, been a while) hit certain places and find the keyhole variant by the hundreds. Fascinating creature, all those tube feet to move. It's illegal to take them but that didn't stop shops from selling the ones that "washed up" which doesn't really happen.
  But for some reason people actually buy them. It's a skeleton of a creature someone scooped up and let bake in the sun for a month. Kinda creepy!
  
  Oh no, I always thought they washed up like seashells! Poor things.
- But can you buy stuff with sand dollars? Checkmate atheists!

Animals that live up to their names ;
Sea cucumber
Woodpecker
Babadook
- Do babadooks actually dook any babas?
  
  All the time.
  
  No but their ooks are ba-bad.
- Sea cucumber - not a cucumber
  
  I’ve never seen one cucumb.
  
  I once attended a traditional Chinese wedding and it's customary to serve sea cucumber soup as one of the dishes. Tales say it strengthens your fertility. Let me tell you, that shit is inedible. Soup is a euphemism, it's closer to a brine that has some penis-shaped object with gristle-like texture floating around.
  It was probably the most expensive dish of the evening, but it was the only one I didn't finish.

This leads me to one of my favourite dad jokes:
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk
- Can't wait to bust that one out when I see my nephew

Animal that does not live up to its name:
cuttlefish - is not a fish
Animal that does live up to its name:
woodpecker
- TIL woodpeckers have a massive wooden cock
- I dunno, my local woodpecker attacks my aluminum downspouts every few weeks. Not the most literal of birds.

I was wondering, why it's called "vampire squid". I guess, due to this:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vampire_squid
- I was actually fine not knowing holy shit that's nightmare fuel.

Praying mantis had me rolling haha.

I'm pretty sure ca. 50% of peacocks have one.
- actually, all or nearly all peacocks have cocks. the ones that don't are peahens.
  
  I was under the impression that male birds do not possess a protruding organ but indeed have a hole too, hence ‘no cock’.
- Peacocks actually have no penis whatsoever. Be glad. You give a bird a penis and they get really into rape
  
  See also: ducks
  
  That's interesting. I only knew about ducks and assumed peacocks would be similar.

Bearded dragons do have beards! Just made of spikes instead of hair.

Peacocks have cocks. Peahens do not.
Also:
Spider (doesn't actually spy)
- Peacocks have cocks. Peahens do not.
  Peacocks don't have a pecker in their privates. Instead of a johnson, they have a cloaca. No willie.
  
  The cloaca holds both the penis and the butthole on a male, and the vagina on a female. They still have penetrative sex. They're not fish. It just doesn't poke outside the body.
- cock (n.1) "male of the domestic fowl," from Old English cocc "male bird," Old French coc (12c., Modern French coq), Old Norse kokkr, all of echoic origin. Compare Albanian kokosh "cock," Greek kikkos, Sanskrit kukkuta, Malay kukuk.
  cock (n.3)
  "penis," 1610s, but certainly older and suggested in word-play from at least 15c.; also compare pillicock "penis," attested from early 14c.
  They're called peacocks because they're peafowl who are cocks. It's a way older term than the slang usage.

Animal that does not live up to its name:
Red Panda. Not Red, not a panda
Animal that lives up to its name:
Sloth
- Panda bears were actually named that after the red panda, so really it's they who aren't pandas
- Red Panda. Not Red, not a panda
  But pretty fucking amazing with that kicking bowls onto her head while riding a unicycle thing - while listening to the world's most annoying song ever.

AWAIL (A while ago I learned) that butterflies are named that because they like to drink the fatty cream that form atop of fresh milk that's used to make butter.
This also goes for german. The Schmetter in Schmetterling has ethymological connections to Schmalz
- Stop trying to make AWAIL happen. It's not going to happen.
  
  I tried to. But, alas, to no awail
- They don't like the fat, it was just a folk tale that they do. They were thought to steal the butter for some reason.
  An older, still regionally used German name for the butterfly reflects that: Molkendieb.

Bird that does not live up to its name: tit.
Estonian edition (I'm not a native speaker): viinamäetigu. Not related to any alcohol (viin), does not live on mountains (mäe), mostly found outside of vineyards (viinamäe). At least it is a snail (tigu).
- Tit does live up to its name! It's an archaic word for a small thing. https://www.etymonline.com/word/tit#etymonline_v_13361
  
  Still used in the phrase titbit in the UK, which Americans censored to tidbit.
- Same name in German: Wein (wine) + Berg (mountain) = Weinberg (vinyard); Schnecke (snail) -> Weinbergschnecke.

Bald Eagles have no hair. Ergo, bald? /S
- With that logic, the common barn owl should be called the bald barn owl. The grey-crowned crane should be the bald grey-crowned crane. The harpy eagle should be the bald harpy eagle. Also, the great white shark should be the bald great white shark, mosquitos should be bald mosquitos, and amoebas should be called bald amoebas.
  
  I wonder if you don't know that "/s” denotes the end of a sarcastic comment. Maybe you didn't see it. Or perhaps you regularly deal with people who hold this belief in earnest.

Im 99.9% certain that whomever named the ping pong tree sponge was high, drunk or both at the moment of inspiration 😄
The sunfish checks out, though, since it likes sunbathing.

Hermit crab - I would not expect hermits to spend so much time and effort on acquiring bigger houses.

What about a roadrunner? They do occasionally run on roads in real life, so they do live up to their name.
- Ohh yeah that's fair, In my head they're dishonest about themselves because they're unlike the cartoon. my child self must've been very offended by that if I still feel that that way. can't say that i really remember though...

I can’t believe it’s not butterfly
- Moths

Elephant shrew: not an elephant, not a shrew
Golden mole: not a mole
Otter shrew: not an otter, not a shrew
- You otter quit while you're ahead.

Not every praying mantis is atheist some worship the moon
- all preying mantis worship the blade.

Bald eagles are too bald! They have neither hair nor treads, they have feathers.
- Also, the name comes from the archaic definition, meaning roughly "white-headed". They certainly qualify on that.

Donkey: does not open locks

False gharials
they are gharials

Ahem.
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/can-squid-fly/
- Clever
  
  That really is why I picked my username. I think the idea of a squid leaping out of the water on a jet and then actually soaring and steering through the air is just about the coolest thing I can imagine.

Sloths?

Hippopotamus - neither a horse nor a river.

What about dog vomit slime mold?

ant eater
- They dont eat ants???
  
  No no, I meant as an example of it actually does what it says

I agree that horseshoe crabs are sorta misnamed, but: horseshoe crabs have like six fucking different kinds of eyes. Even that tail thingie is like one big eye. You try crawling around in the fucking mud and surviving for 400 million years - these beautiful bastards have no problem with it.

The Antarctic Midge sends its regards.

#Transcription:
erinsintra #animals that do not live up to their names
horseshoe crab (not a horseshoe; not a crab)
peacock (has no cock)
sand dollar (not made of sand, actually costs 13 dollars)
butterfly (does not contain butter)
jellyfish (not a fish)
cuttlefish (see above)
vampire squid (nota vampire)
bearded dragon (beardless)
bald eagle (is not bald)
sunfish (will not kill you within minutes due to intense heat if you approach it)
ping pong tree sponge (cannot play ping pong)
praying mantis (atheist)
#animals that live up to their names
fly

- Since there isn't really any agreed upon scientific definition what "a fish" is, it's pretty much a perfect name
  
  there isn’t really any agreed upon definition what “a fish” is,
  are you sure?

No eyed big eyed spider

Aaaaaaaaaktually......
- ... peacocks have cocks and bearded dragons have beards they just aren't made of hair.
  
  Peacocks do not have cocks. Bother male and female have cloacae(like 99% of birds)
  Beard, by definition, must be hair.
  Bearded dragons do not have a beard. They were named as such because thier throat turns black and puffs up. Giving the appearance of a beard.

Dragonfly - Not a dragon, nor a fly

Image Transcription: Tumblr
erinsintra
animals that do not live up to their names
horseshoe crab (not a horseshoe; not a crab)
peacock (has no cock)
sand dollar (not made of sand, actually costs 13 dollars)
butterfly (does not contain butter)
jellyfish (not a fish)
cuttlefish (see above)
vampire squid (not a vampire)
bearded dragon (beardless)
bald eagle (is not bald)
sunfish (will not kill you within minutes due to intense heat as you approach it)
ping pong tree sponge (cannot play ping pong)
praying mantis (atheist)
animals that live up to their names
fly

animals that do not live up to their names

animals that live up to their names