28/11/2023

I'm revisiting my fav. clips from my fav piece of art of all time, Bojack Horseman. And I'm crying again. This show means so much to me, yet its so depressing. I find it so fucking funny, yet so sad, that the protagonist's life is one full of suicidal ideations and depression, and that is with a shit ton of addictions. And here I am, feeling the same without any of that, it was like I was made to feel shallow and empty, it was like my soul was never born with my body. The character is toxic to everyone and to himself, out of which his relationships are all dysfunctional. I'm not toxic, yet I feel dysfunction in my relationships and with myself, even though that may not truly be the case. I'm so fucked up. I can never convince myself that someone truly will cry like I am crying right now, for me, if I jumped. I can never convince myself that someone can selflessly love me and care for me. All that exists in my mind is a sense of extreme doubt and paranoia. All that exists in my heart is a love I give for others without any question, which I can't really receive without my own delusions intervening. I cannot receive love. I feel it but I'm not loved because I don't believe one ounce of it. I am so embarrassingly fucked up. It's so funny.

but hey, at least I have a favorite show, and I found my favorite song out of it. Let's rejoice.

https://open.spotify.com/track/4VlJbvK8wQFuIvAdMNw1Qu?si=37bc78098adb4661