You should be able to ask "I want a CIS mate" in a dating app without being shamed.
You should be able to ask "I want a CIS mate" in a dating app without being shamed.
There's this rising narrative going around that if you ask specifically for a CIS partner, you're a transphobe. That could be true for some people but it's not fundamentally related to bigotry. Moreover, this narrative, the "if you only want a CIS mate then that is prejudice" is trampling on one of the most important rights a person can have: the right to choose who they want to get intimate with.
First of all, transmen are in fact men and transwomen are in fact women. Let's get that out of the way. This isn't a foot in the door for "trans this really isn't that" narratives. What this is about it is the freedom to choose who you want to be intimate with. That right is sancrosanct, it is absolutely inviolable.
And yes, there's plenty of issues that make transgender dating a special issue. If someone reveals their TG status they can be open to hate crimes and even deadly violence. However all marginalized groups are special in their own way. As a black man I don't think it's racist if a woman says she doesn't want to date a black man. I face oppression, too. My class is special in its own way. One group isn't more special than the other. None of us have the right to force ourselves upon those who don't want to be intimate with us, even by omitting who we really are.
Really, if you have to deceive or hide who you are in order to date someone, do you really want to date them? I wouldn't. That's not fair to you and you're denying them their right to choose who they want. What do you think will happen when the person wants a CIS mate and they discover the truth? They're going to get pissed and dump you. Now you have to shame them into staying with you: "If you loved me for real this wouldn't bother you"... that's not going to convince anyone. They're either going to leave, or they'll resent you forever. That's just how it is. You can be mad at that but that's about as effective as protesting the rising of the sun. There's just no way to win once you've gone down that road.
"I want a CIS mate" is not the same as "trans women are not women" - one is a preference, the other is harmful prejudice. On the flip side CIS people who do date trans people shouldn't be shamed for their choices either. A man should be free to date a trans woman and not catch flak about it. Trans people should be able to be openly trans and not face hate speech or threats to their well-being. This, without any exception whatsoever.
The fundamental fact is when you shame or worse abrogate people's right to choose who they want to get intimate with, it's not going to end well for you. All you're going to get is people who resent being coerced or bullied to date people they don't want to. And that's not something the country, or the world, will ever put up with. Except that right now, most people don't imagine they can be labeled a transphobe just for wanting a CIS mate. And unpopular opinion: that should be nipped in the bud.
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I think this is where the whole cis/trans/male/female roles really start breaking down, cause youre telling me if you met the most 10/10 amazing (man/woman) and realized later on they were trans, all your experiences would immediately be invalidated? And why should the trans people have to bear the burden of this label, when you are the one who cares?
At the end of the day anyone can choose whoever they want to fuck for whatever, but defining it specifically as 'I don't want to date trans people' comes off as ig shallow, cause it describes almost nothing about the person themselves (but hey you can also choose just to be attracted to people born on February 29th if youre really so inclined) - this is why chasers are usually given a similar treatment to those not wanting to date trans people.
I think it becomes most notable with trans people cause they've been so directly repressed in recent years to keep us poor people fighting amongst ourselves, that if someone cares about someones birth-gender, its way more likely due to societal pressure than actually relationship-impactful reasons.
And just to address your 'women not wanting to date a black man as a black man', its great in your perspective its not racist - but like many trans people are realizing their internalized transphobia, being part of a group doesnt make you immune to being phobic of it, nor allow you to speak for the whole group (ie why it feels so ghetto when a politician can't be antisemitic/racist/homophobic cause they have lots of 'x' friends)
If I met an amazing trans person I would still be friends with them and have them in my life. The problem is with bringing romance into it. I want to be with a woman who has a vagina. It's never come up but I don't think I'd be sexually attracted to a woman with a penis or someone who has had reassignment surgery when it came down to it. I'd hate to hit it off with someone and get all the way to the point of trying to get intimate and then hurt them by not being into it. It's best for both of us just to avoid that situation all together.
My perspective on this is from what dealt with as a short man. I have been friends with a lot of women over the years who I got along great with but just were just not attracted to me. Some tried dating me anyway and it just ended up miserable because I wanted intimacy way more than they did. People need to find the right match for themselves and physical attraction can be a huge part of thst. Not being attracted to someone doesn't make you a bad person, it's just biology and there's not a lot you can do about it.
Of course but that could happen with anything, and really is your personal preferences.
I just dont see why its the trans persons burden to tell you that vs vise versa, cause there's nearly infinite things you may not like about someone that they can't reasonably guess
If you don't know they're trans until you get intimate how would you know to bring it up?