You should be able to ask "I want a CIS mate" in a dating app without being shamed.

I'm a transwoman and I agree with you on this. When I was dating, I was upfront and when a guy said it was a deal breaker, it saved both of us a lot of time.

Most guys I talked to said it was a dealbreaker, and yeah it sucks. It makes you feel "othered." But I can't expect anyone to go outside their sexual comfort zone for a rando on Tinder.

Most of the guys were very polite about it all, too. And that's all you should need to do.

If someone's shaming you about it, that's a good sign they have something going on in their own life. Essentially it's their problem, not yours.

Hope this helps~

on the flip side, people should be able to say they want a trans partner.

real talk though, no one should be deceiving anyone if they plan to start a healthy relationship with someone, period.

I'm stealth trans in public and don't feel it's necessary to come out to every one i meet or even work with. But if I'm flirting with someone or know someone has an interest in me, I respect them enough to let them know.

it all comes back to the idea that you don't need to know what someone's genitals look like unless you plan on fucking them.

You should, of course, have your preferences, and your deal-breakers, and whatever else. So if you find someone you are interested in is trans, and that's a deal-breaker for you, that's fine.

But there is a difference between that and putting in your bio "No Trans People." Is being trans your only deal-breaker? What makes that a deal-breaker worth calling out, but not others? Before you put "No Trans" in your profile, I would ask you to consider that, if you are an athletic person and want an athletic person, would "No fat women" be something you would feel comfortable putting in your bio (even if that was a deal-breaker for you)? What would you think of someone who puts "No black people" in their bio?

If they have any sense, they will let you know either in their profile, in conversation before-hand, or during the first date or so (before things get intimate), and you can politely end things, just like if you found out they were Scientologists or several levels up in an MLM (or both). Hell, it may take until a third date, like finding out they don't just like, but can relate to Olivia Rodrigo's music. (In fairness, those three were objectively bad, but I don't know any of your non-trans related preferences, so I had to go with some things most people should consider deal-breakers).

The point is, people look for and look out for a lot of things, but I only ever hear people complain about it being rude to put "No trans." It kind of makes it clear that the person saying it has a particular issue beyond just dating preferences.

1: not unpopular

2: if this is a scenario you are actually seeing in real life, you should find better people to hang out with.

Who, exactly, is saying that having a sexual preference is bigoted? I've heard rumors about this argument, but never encountered it in the wild.

Am I weird in that I think it's weird to announce that kind of thing on a dating profile? Like, I'm on all the dating apps and people generally don't get access to me until there's a mutual agreement to match, right? Unless you're swiping on everyone or they're actively trying to hide it, are you matching with a lot of trans folk? Are you so inundated by these matches that you feel the need to announce these preferences up front? I can't imagine it's so many that you can't just have a polite conversation when it comes up and explain the preference? It's the whole need to announce it, knowing how it could come off, that makes people question the intent. If you were at the bar and someone you're attracted to comes up to talk, do you stop them and say "before you go any further, know that I only date cis people."?

I'm genderfluid and I agree with you. Cis people shouldn't be tricked, manipulated or emotionally blackmailed into copulating with us just because we want a partner. Partners do have the right to know whether we're cis, trans or nonbinary.

one is a preference

Maybe for some. But for most it's not even a preference it is a sexual orientation. A preference can be negotiated. A sexual orientation is just the way that you are.

I hope this isn't actually an unpopular opinion. People objectively have a type of what they do and don't want. Specification is a good thing and will help people find their match faster. The last thing a person, either trans or not trans would want, is to spend time with someone who will never work for them.

The underlying issue is that dating apps just need better filters. An ideal one would be were you could filter out any deal breakers.

I'm trans. I think the reason people get upset is because of the reason behind the preference. That reason can be totally valid, to totally shitty, and people assume either the best or the worst depending on their perspective usually. A trans person seeing this might assume "oh boy another transphobe" while a cis person would think "yep and I won't date a person who owns cats because I'm deadly allergic" and carry on.

On top of that a blanket "I won't date trans people" rule tends to ignore "outliers" like nonbinary, intersex, or gender fluid people, which can feel pretty bad when the underlying reason doesn't fit the actual real life scenario you might be in.

Here's a few reasons behind the preference that I can think of:

• I'm straight and want bio kids - Fair enough, either your partner is cis or they aren't compatible for that goal, or you're getting into the nonbinary grey area.

• I don't want to deal with the extra baggage, potential judgement from peers, or mental/physical health comorbidities that come with transition - kinda bleh but its your choice and only you can really decide what you're willing to invite on yourself, but it feels crappy for trans people who definitely didn't ask to be trans either.

• I'm attracted to specific genital configurations - that's your preference, but it sort of ignores any post op trans people, which feels really shitty if as a trans person you've done this major surgery to be happier and more yourself, and people just assume you haven't, and won't talk to or engage with you over something you already changed, through a very intensive and difficult process. Overall though genital preferences are perfectly fine, people just don't like saying "I only like penis" because it sounds weird, so they substitute "I only like cis men" thinking that's a less awkward alternative.

• I don't think trans people are who they identify as - real shit and the kind of people most are actually mad at when people day "I won't date trans people.

Anyways, I'm sure there are more, but the point I'm trying to make is, saying you won't date trans people is just kinda vague. Many people will assume the worst, which is on them, but it would help to clarify and be clear about what your real preference is, or why you have it. For instance "I want to have bio kids someday, so if we aren't compatible on that level then that is a dealbreaker" or "I'm straight and I'm only interested in Cis or post op trans women" which with a couple extra words clearly portrays that its a genital preference without explicitly saying it.

TLDR: having preferences is perfectly fine but when people judge you it's because it isn't clear why you have that preference, and usually ignores outliers. Clarification, while maybe a bit longer or more complicated, would eliminate the anger in most cases. The people who still get upset are likely to be angry no matter what.

How the hell does this have so many downvotes? Surely not from the crowd that preaches consent and freedom of choice?

I understand the danger of revealing trans status. I also understand that it can be even more dangerous to be discovered as trans after a relationship develops with a partner who is violently transphobic. Back in the 80's I was in the Navy. One of the guys on my ship was arrested for attempted murder. The woman he was dating didn't reveal she was trans and he found out when they became intimate. He threw her off a second story balcony after beating her.

My question is why anyone would want to initiate a relationship with another person unless their prospective partner was accepting of them? I'd at least bring up the subject in an indirect manner to judge their response.

I think the trickiest part is that trans people generally have spent a lot more time thinking about their sexuality and identity than most cis people. Most cis people (or at least cishet) have put basically 0 thought into it. They cant articulate better than "straight", and if you probe further they would just say "I like men/women". They cant fully identifyor explain what it is about the opposite sex specifically they are attracted to because they often havent had to think about it ever. And if genitals are a factor in that attraction, then it may be pretty important. Some people may be able to see past that. Some may not. But we shouldn't force someone to date somebody they arent attracted to, even if they cant eloquently fully explain why they arent attracted.

You don't date trans women because you are a bigot.

I don't date trans women because I have a menstruation fetish. We are not the same.

Disclaimer: this is a joke. I have been in a relationship with a trans woman.

I’d like to congratulate OP for handling a difficult subject in a way that’s both straightforward and thoughtful!

Fuck I'm trans and I agree with you

There's a difference between having a preference/orientation and outright saying "no trans people" on your profile, imo. The former is totally fine and I think the vast majority of people think the same. If you did the latter, I would definitely remove that. It's unnecessary and can make people feel shitty. Just swipe left on people you aren't attracted to, and if you find a dealbreaker while talking to someone, politely disengage.

In general, I find it's best to avoid putting any kind of negative thing in your bio. Both because you run the risk of making people feel bad for no reason, and because psychologically, you want people to associate you with positive things about you, not the things you dislike. Most people have a lot of dealbreakers that are far too numerous and exhausting to enumerate anyway. Just asses for yourself, and if you don't like something about someone, move on.

I agree, but if this is unpopular it really oughtn't be. I've always advertised up front that I'm a trans woman, because not everyone wants to date that and I wouldn't want to be with anyone who doesn't. I don't think it's at all unreasonable, and you're totally right that people shouldn't be shamed for that.

That said, there's ways of turning people down that absolutely deserve to be shamed, and not being interested in someone isn't justification for say, telling a trans woman you aren't interested because you like women.

If you're acting like a reasonable adult and treating people respectfully though, you should be respected in kind. People are entitled to being interested in who they're interested in. If you aren't attracted you aren't attracted.

I don't trust the way this question is framed. Yes people have preferences but why do you have to ask other people how to talk to someone like a human being? We are human. You can just have a conversation with us.

I've had girls attracted to me even when knowing my trans status which other people started screaming about saying I must be a girl (I even have facial hair). So the idea that cis hets can't EVER be attracted to us is a lie.

Basically I don't trust anyone else's opinion on this. We are people. This is not Build-A-Date. Learn to communicate like an adult. Not every trans person has the same set of equipment.

I have never run into this, honestly. I would assume if you are looking for a possible sexual relationship, that a person's sexual preference matters. Not to say gender is not important, but sex also is in this instance. If you expect a dick and get a clit, that's going to be a bit of a let-down, no matter how much you are romantically attracted to the person. I think it's mature to have this conversation early in the relationship. More people need to understand that you can discuss this kind of stuff like adults and well, if you're someone looking for a certain type of partner, there should not be shame attached to it.

...I'm pretty sure that no one except extreme I-don't-know-what people are saying you can't have anatomical preferences.

No one is going to say that I'm homophobic because I'm a cisgender heterosexual man that is only interested in dating cisgender heterosexual women. If I was going to be accused of homophobia, it would be for doing things that dehumanize gay people, like denying them basic rights afforded to straight people. (And, for the record, there are a lot of cis-het women that I would never date, even aside from the fact that I'm married.)

On the other hand, what is transphobic is the idea that transwomen are trying to "deceive" you. Maybe you could just, I dunno, try using your words? Talk about shit? Like, I don't date people that are religious, "spiritual", or takes astrology/tarot/etc. seriously; I am not going to have enough respect for someone that believes that nonsense to be in a relationship with them. If someone isn't in-your-face about it, I'm not going to accuse them of trying to deceive and trap me when I find out; I'm just going to leave.

The one thing that kind of disturbs me about trans relationships when I've called it out, is that trans men and trans women don't feel the need to disclose that they're trans to their partner, as if it's not something important that the other person has a right to know.

Just to be clear, I have nothing against the trans community and I think it's horrible that they're being made into scapegoats and getting attacked by right-wing assholes, but at the same time, people have a right to know some things about their partners. I think trans folks have every right to transition into whatever makes them happy. If people are open for that relationship, more power to them, I am happy for you, BUT that's still a choice that somebody should be allowed to make on their own whether they want to be in that relationship or not with full knowledge of what's going on. To me, it's borderline sexual assault if you've not disclosed that to a partner, since knowing the truth could potentially have changed their actions, though maybe it's more something like "sexual fraud".

The arguments I've gotten against this from some people just don't hold up, things like, "Well you wouldn't disclose every dental procedure you've had to a partner would you?" No, because nobody gives a shit about how many crowns you have when they're trying to have sex with you, that's irrelevant to the situation. Whereas, "this person biologically started as the opposite sex and they've made a transition", is kind of a big deal for some people and could be a deal breaker. Whether you think that judgement is bigoted doesn't matter, that's a boundary that they've set for themselves and should still be respected. Them declining is probably helping you dodge a bullet, since them finding out after the fact is WAAAY more likely to go south pretty quick.

I am the dad of a transgender person and I agree. Sexual and romantic attraction should never be held to the same standard. The heart (and the genitals) wants what it wants

Personally I agree. Personally one of the biggest factors that makes me want to get into a relationship in the first place is more or less to make a kid. Sure adoptions are a thing but like I just don't see myself getting turned on by sex with someone who doesn't have a vagina. The most I can see her doing for me is a hand job. Shallow yea but that's just kinda biology. I can't see anyone making me enjoy a trans woman anymore than you can make a gay dude enjoy a cis woman. And all that's not even mentioning I live in a place where parents still pressure their children to make grandkids.

I define a partner and see relationships differently. A partner is not someone you just fuck. I'm not even gay but I'd rather be with a guy who wants me than a soulless shallow golddigger girl who pretends and manipulates me thinking she likes me. I'm too old for this crap. my heart matters a lot more than my balls

If this happens please let me know. I've never heard of a trans person saying they don't tell their partners they're trans.

Some people may not want to choose to disclose on the first date, depending on the other person's personality. If there's nothing there and no second date no harm no foul. If there's a spark and a wish to take things further I've heard (read) many trans people saying they'll wait until after the date to disclose they're trans by text to be able to avoid a violent confrontation.

The climate is extremely hostile for trans people right now and people have to worry about their safety.

While I agree it's certainly fine to have preferences there is also etiquette to consider. Transphobia at it's core is a belief that the very nature of being trans is somehow lesser than or repulsive. Transness is a very wide spectrum that has a bunch of different presentations so simply discarding the entirety of the category is transphobic.

It's more helpful to think of things more in terms the individual things that you are looking for and your deal breakers. Like if your major beef is about physicality there are trans people who retain their physicality and fertility of their birth sex. The feild of trans presentation is really wide. Trans people also generally understand dating as a series of hurdles in finding someone who will give them a chance. Having people just shut down the entirety of the category regardless of any potential reasons they might actually fit what you are looking for contributes to a pervasive fear a lot of trans people have about never finding romantic acceptance. "No trans people!" stands out of a request like a flat out condemnation of anyone who might so much as request a different pronoun rather than just as a personal preference.

An example of something inclusive but still firm on preferences would be something like saying - "I have a female genital preference, want to keep the door open to having children of your own one day and prefer people who present in a very feminine way" ... Because you still haven't discluded all trans people. You've just made it clear that you have a genital and presentation preference and you have a life goal that makes perfect sense. She/they AFAB non-binary partners who are generally femme presenting are rare but still exist and you are communicating your needs in a way that doesn't place a value on how someone internally feels about their gender.

Breaking down the root of transphobia is hard. It demands that we remove a value judgement off of being trans. This at some level means an internal assessment of where you might be open to trans partners and keeping the options open. Like if you are not okay at all with any form of transness because you have a core belief that we are just too much work with our pronouns and our weird way of self conceptualizing ourselves, that's transphobia. ...

Trans is an umbrella term for a group of people so internally diverse that virtually every combination of sexual physicality, gender presentation and gender identity is somewhere represented. Writing off every potential person in the category basically is saying that there are zero concessions you will personally make because even the smallest most unnoticeable presence of trans identity in a person regardless of their physicality or personality is completely repellant to you... Which while it IS a preference is still fairly hostile to trans acceptance.

I dunno, dating apps are part of the internet and therefore shouldn't be taken too seriously. Until you meet up with someone it's all in your imagination anyway.

Being ace/aro must be a fucking god send these days.

Locked as transphobia seems to be pretty common in the comments.

Just put "want to one day have kids" in your profile, then get over it.

I doubt there will be very many trans people out there that are willing to date somebody without revealing that they are trans. When that eventually comes out it would be a VERY dangerous situation for that person. Anyone that wouldn't care you could tell before the first date. If you can't tell them, it's a BAD idea not to tell them

So I appreciate you approaching the topic with some care here.

I think with this topic people can be fairly reactive on both sides. This to say: There's a genuine desire of far-right actual transphobes to exterminate trans people. And from there, trans people tend to get convinced that transphobes are everywhere and transphobia is in everything. People who are systematically victimized have a tendency to argue with moderates because there's a compulsion to pick the smaller and seemingly more winnable fight... but it tends to have the opposite from the intended reaction. I don't think this speaks to any bigger truth however.

With that said: No, it's not transphobic to want to date cis people. I know plenty of trans people who specifically won't date cis people, so it goes both ways. Curiously, I also know some cis people who only date trans people, and some trans people who only date cis people.

I have some thoughts.

Are you asking what will get you the best results? I'd be offput by any guy who said "no trans ladies, no black ladies, no fat ladies" even though I'd probably be their target demographic as a fit, thin, white lady. Because I'd assume that guy was a jerk, probably a racist and I don't want to deal with that. So maybe you don't want to be rude about it.

But I don't think it's wrong at all to have orientations and preferences. Almost nobody is absolutely attracted only to personality. You are probably picky beyond just wanting cis people, and it's not a small detail IMO, it's similar to a chronic medical condition because it requires ongoing care, not everyone is prepared for that.

I'm 43 male. Can't I just say I'm straight looking for a woman who is too.

As someone who doesn't care about race gender or what genitals you have or had if i were dating, I agree.

I remeber back when I was using a dating app for the first time. It ask me questions on what I was looking for. One of them was race: I said "I don't know, white?" and clicked a box thinking it was unimportant.

Apperently that labeled me as a racist. A friend pointed it out and said:" No, just click accept all races and then decline all non-whites who try to contact you. That way you don't look racist but still have control over who you want to date."

I feel like that should be the tactic here: if they are upfront with being nonCIS, you just reject them. If they are not upfront with it, then they are lying and should be rejected when dating for lying and not for who they are.

Why do you shout cis every time you say it? I agree that I don't have any interest in dating someone who doesn't want to date me but I'm very confused about the yelling.

JustTF is wrong with you? Juat say man looking for woman for exclusive relationship. Chances of a trans person even starting a conversation with you is 1:1000000.

You're worrying about something you shouldn't.

Worry about climate change and cancer instead.

without being shamed

it's not enough to be able to do things, people should be forced to approve of what I do and tell me what a great guy I am, regardless of what I do

No one actually does this.

Do you think trans woman WANT to date someone who isnt into them? No. Stop being cringe.

Your first mistake is using dating apps.

As a black man I don't think it's racist if a woman says she doesn't want to date a black man.

As a bisexual man, I think it's biphobic if a man or a woman say they don't want to date a bisexual man.

And to be true, I wouldn't date biphobic people.

So, yes, it's more convenient for everybody to clearly say what you're looking for and not looking for. But it's still discrimination, especially when it comes from someone in the dominant class (straight, white, able-bodied..)

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Uhm, those platforms don't filter by your sexual preference?

See your main problem is that you were dumb enough to try going on a dating app to begin with

It's pretty well established by now that those things are basically useless save for a lucky few

Think about your ideal type, for example if you like women who have a certain cup size, a certain hair color, a lovely voice, you prefer a vagina, these are all preferences and that's fine. They are all also achievable by a trans woman or a cis woman. If a woman meets every single one of your standards and preferences to a tee and the only reason you will not date her is because she is trans, that's when it gets transphobic. It's not because you have a genitle preference, it's not because you want a girl who walks, talks, and acts a certain way, it's not because of any of that. It's because if your absolute ideal woman was in front of you, but she had transitioned to get there, it's an immediate no.

Literally no one is actually being victimized by any of this.

Dude, most dating apps place trans people in a entirely third category. Usually it's a third box after male/female and I promise, nobody cares if you leave it unchecked. You're missing out on wonderful, self-realized, adventurous individuals IMHO but nobody is calling you a transphobe simply because you prefer cis women, calm down. You're exaggerating greatly and absolutely parroting anti-trans hysteria here. Shit like this is exactly why a trans person might not come out on the first date

I think this is where the whole cis/trans/male/female roles really start breaking down, cause youre telling me if you met the most 10/10 amazing (man/woman) and realized later on they were trans, all your experiences would immediately be invalidated? And why should the trans people have to bear the burden of this label, when you are the one who cares?

At the end of the day anyone can choose whoever they want to fuck for whatever, but defining it specifically as 'I don't want to date trans people' comes off as ig shallow, cause it describes almost nothing about the person themselves (but hey you can also choose just to be attracted to people born on February 29th if youre really so inclined) - this is why chasers are usually given a similar treatment to those not wanting to date trans people.

I think it becomes most notable with trans people cause they've been so directly repressed in recent years to keep us poor people fighting amongst ourselves, that if someone cares about someones birth-gender, its way more likely due to societal pressure than actually relationship-impactful reasons.

And just to address your 'women not wanting to date a black man as a black man', its great in your perspective its not racist - but like many trans people are realizing their internalized transphobia, being part of a group doesnt make you immune to being phobic of it, nor allow you to speak for the whole group (ie why it feels so ghetto when a politician can't be antisemitic/racist/homophobic cause they have lots of 'x' friends)

Doubt you’ve even ever met a trans woman. We don’t want to sleep with you either.

Wow, first of all, no one cares if you put cis in your "looking for". God it must be so hard for straight people to exist/ sarcasm.

Somehow, nobody here is talking about that "cis mate" is accidentally too restrictive, if it's about genital preference. Saying "I want a cis mate" is going to exclude non-binary people that would actually be perfectly compatible with your genital preference and present close enough to the gender you're attracted to. Let's be appropriately specific when talking about this stuff, people

Idk, retusing to date someone based on their race does seem pretty racist to me. I know it's not the point of the post but like... It's murky moral territory.

You can't help who/what your attracted to, true. Even if it might be defined by subconscious prejudice, that might not necessarily be something you can change, totally. But having that conversation... It's gonna be hurtful, yeah? I think if you have that kinda preference the only easy way to accommodate it is by you advertising it in a general way.

Which only really works for dating apps, the absolute worst way to meet people.

Also, not a big deal, but it's best to put a space between 'trans' and 'men/'women'. It's an adjective. They are trans, they are men/women. 'Transmen' and 'transwomen' makes it seem like you're designating them seperately.

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Wtf is a cis?

It's hard to believe that this narrative you claim exists actually does.

First of all, transmen are in fact men and transwomen are in fact women.

Sweet, then you have no problem and are open to dating anyone in your preferred gender.

You need to go outside and touch grass, holy cow you're online too much.

The problem with this rant is that it is inherently transphobic. I am in agreement that all preferences should be available though. If you only like blind midget pirates that should be a fucking option goddaamnit.

"I want to announce that I have no intention of allowing myself to get to know a certain type of person"

"Why are people treating me like I'm a certain type of person, who people wouldn't like to get to know?"