LGBTQ+ @beehaw.org Stoneblackdog @beehaw.org 1 yr. ago

How do you tell gender envy from attraction?

I am currently on vacation and going to the beach sucks because I see these girls my age and think "Holy shit, I want to look like that." But then I get heavy impostor syndrome. Maybe this is just me being attracted and wanting to be trans, so my brain makes it think it's envious when it's just attracted? So, how do you tell envy from attraction?

19 comments

Why not both?

I'm a transfemme lesbian, and pretty much ever cute girl I see makes me freak out like that. Like, "do I want to be them or be with them?

It's definitely hard to deal with in the beginning, especially if you haven't fully accepted that you're trans. Just to remind you, cis people don't think like that :p

Hope that helps <3
- Cis woman attracted to men here. If I woke up tomorrow looking like the most attractive man I’d ever seen, I would freak out and find a doctor who would help me transition back as soon as possible.
  
  That's totally valid, but I want to point out to people who may be confused that how strongly one feels about gender is a spectrum! I personally don't really care how I look anymore and I never had strong feelings about masc/femme presenting body. For someone like @Stoneblackdog@beehaw.org, they may have difficulty separating envy from attraction because they don't feel strongly about how they currently look, or how they look in general. When I see an aesthetic I like, I almost always am simultaneously attracted to it on multiple dimensions and want to embody it too! I'd love to be able to shapeshift, because then my body could more easily fit how I feel that day, or that I could just explore all the world has to offer.
  
  This is so hilarious to me because I never realized how many cis people undoubtedly feel this way 😂
  
  Importantly, you recognize the divide in those two things so clearly there is one for you, but if you were questioning it the same way OP is and the divide were less clear accordingly, I'd say that divide wouldn't really matter much
- I have had similar thoughts as well as a cis gay man. Do I find this guy attractive, or do I want to be this guy. It's sometimes hard to tell the difference.
so like its entirely possible for it to both, but, from the way you phrased it as "wanting to be trans" it seems like your questioning things rn? i just want to mention that being trans is an option, you can do that if you want.
- What I meant by the "wanting to be trans" part is that I think I am trans but this is a big source of impostor syndrome and questioning if I really am trans and that maybe I'm not trans but I convinced myself that I am.
  
  Hello, cis male here. My 2 cents would be not to worry so much about what you "really" are and just do what feels right for you today. You can play and experiment with gender as much or as little as you like. It's entirely up to you, and that's what determines what you "really" are.
  
  For me, I've always been attracted to women (and to girls when I was younger). That's never felt to me like wanting to look like them. If you want to look more like the girls your age, then try it and see how it feels.
Something that helped me was stop trying to fit into definitions. A word for an identity is very useful to communicate who you are, but starting by figuring out the small parts might be better in the beginning.

How would you like to express yourself to the world? What would make you happy? What do you reppress? What do you find attractive? How many forms of attraction do you perceive?

Question yourself, even when you think you have already found the answer. We change over time, in the sense we understand ourselves better over time, which means our truth is limited by what we know in the various different periods of our life.

You can try journaling. Write about your doubts and the thoughts that go through your head and you might find some patterns along the way.
Do you want to be like them or be with them?

You've viewed 19 comments.