Depression / nostalgia has hindered my ability to make new memories, I just re-live old ones
Depression / nostalgia has hindered my ability to make new memories, I just re-live old ones
Hello, this is my first post on this account, I doubt anybody will even see this but I guess I'll get right into it.
It all starts back in my junior year of high school, I remember I got a new lamp for my bedroom and it looked a lot like the one my grandmother had when I was younger. I was so in love with this feeling, that I now know is called nostalgia, that every weekend I would use the lamp instead of my main bedroom light to make it feel more like I was back at her house on the weekends. (I do it to this day)
For a while I started doing small things like this in addition to just the lamp, such as using old websites for the aesthetic or getting super into nostalgic music again. It's funny looking back now and realising it ramped up as my depression worsened, but I digress. After I graduated school, to keep things short, my life was just hell. A big mess, started community college but dropped out, couldn't get a job, ended up being kicked out by my dad over this and was homeless for a bit. This made my senior year of high school like a cutoff point for that nostalgia thing. I wanted for the longest time to either just die or go back in time. Eventually though, I managed to climb out of homelessness but not without ending up thousands of miles away with no friends or family nearby me. It's been years since then, but I can't help but think back and realise that ever since that day years ago where I finally made it back to a normal life, I've only made 2 new core memories really. One was going to a new state to see a dying family member after years to say my goodbyes, the other was going to the big city I had always dreamed of seeing in person when I was in high school since I actually live nearby now (alone, and ended up being disappointed with San Francisco in person).
Other than those 2 things, my life seems to just be a looping cycle of wishing I was back in those junior and senior year days. I don't own a car because I feel like it's the last "old-world" freedom I have left from those days so to speak. Avoiding the final step of growing up I guess. I have an attachment to the same anime characters who were essentially my only friends back then for a long time (I still spend a lot of time alone in my room too because I struggle to make friends). I still fight the urge to sleep so I can pull all nighters just to stay up to see the sunrise while gaming and feel something (I have a monster in the fridge to do it tonight). I take lots of time off of work this time of year just to feel like I have a summer vacation back. I still eat a diet of mostly instant noodles and other cheap shit because my grandmother was poor growing up and that's mostly what we had for snacks, it brings me comfort.
maybe this is kinda pathetic to say but I just feel like at my current age I am lightyears behind people mentally. I don't even feel like I'm an adult to be honest. I just want to keep barely working and playing games and staying up late forever, while at the same time wanting to go back in time and re-do the past to not end up this way ironically enough. I miss what old friends I did have terribly as well. I just long for the days where I was clueless about how the world works and was busy listening to Tyler the creator's new album while walking to school.
I doubt anyone can relate, but on the off chance anyone else is impaired by nostalgia or stuck in the past, I salute you. it sucks
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That's quite an interesting problem to have. I've never been very prone to nostalgia myself, partially due to there not being that many good memories. Not sure how to express this in English... I don't know how I would have handled the whole dropping out, unemployment, being kicked out and being homeless. Or if I would have handled it at all. I'm impressed.
The part I can actually relate to is "I just want to keep barely working and playing games and staying up late forever", while also very much not wanting to be that way. (typing this at 5am) For myself, I've identified the likely problem to be that I no longer have any goals or dreams. There isn't really anything I'd want to work towards, nothing I want to achieve. I can't come up with anything either, so I'm kind of stuck in the present unable to look to the future, just trying to survive day at a time. Whenever I do think about future, I can only think about it in a negative way. I'm curious, how do you view future? Or do you have any leads as to how you might get out of your situation?
If online friends aren't your thing, this won't be of any use, but when it comes to making real friends online... Based purely on my personal experience, I'd recommend some kind of an online penpal site. The ones where people look to chat with people from other countries or speaking other languages, for example. Differences between countries and cultures give a lot of interesting stuff to talk about, and easily leads to deeper conversations. Especially helpful if there isn't much going on in one's day-to-day life. And people there are generally looking for actual friends, more so than in most other online communities. I've made most of my best friendships on sites like that. Some of them I'm still friends with a decade later. (I just now realized it has been that long... damn.)
The couple friends I have left actually are online now that you mention it, known em for about 7 years and don't know what I would do without them. Also hello fellow night owl!
in regards to the future, I think you just cracked the case for me too. I don't really have any hopes or goals for the future, just fear if anything (of aging nonetheless). This seems to line up with me just wanting to continue not giving AF while wishing I had a reason to, but the motivation is not there. I really appreciate this response, hoping the best for you over there. Its only 19:57 here but I'll be thinking of you when the sun comes up at 5 :)