Lost_My_Mind @ Lost_My_Mind @lemmy.world Posts 137Comments 6,521Joined 10 mo. ago
Man these movie remakes are getting WEIRD! Indiana Jones, mixed with Cats??? So is the bolder chasing him jellical?
.........how did you summerize my whole life?
If anyone disturbs Teddys slumber, I shall rip out your spine, whole, like in mortal kombat.
FATALITY!!! FLAWLESS VICTORY!!!
Now what I personally do, is I fly a drone miles above their house, for like 3 months. High enough that nobody is complaining about it, because it's so high nobody notices it......but it notices you! Oh yes! It documents your every move in fact.
So I use it to figure out a womans schedule, how many pets she has, if her house has an alarm. That sort of thing.
Then, I buy a plot of land in a nearby city. Build a perfect replica of her house. And use to to become intimately firmiliar with the layout of her house. You know how you can navigate your house in the dark? Yeah, that kind of intimate knowledge of the layout.
Then when she's going grocery shopping, as I knew she would, I fill her house with thousands and thousands of bees. The idea being that with her struggling to hold onto 17 bags at once, it will be a 1 or 2 second delay before she's able to do anything once she realizes what's happened.
So now she's gotta deal with 6 months of tearing her walls down, doing expensive home remodels, the works. It's a very costly repair, that's leaving her pretty financially struggling.
At this point, she should be living at a hotel, or some other short stay place. You have the housekeepers change all the paintings in her room, before she checks in, with paintings of her, depicting a series of events.
She sees the painting of her running out of her house being chased by bees. She sees the picture of her being chased by naked naked clowns with chainsaws. She sees the painting of her standing outside her house smiling.
And she's also gotten a second job. Wherever she gets her second job, I get a part time job there too.
At this point she's going to be so rattled out of her god damned mind, that she'll feel insecure about everything. Her safety. Her sanity. Her life. She'll feel it's all being attacked. And then I start talking to her at work. Just work conversations. But she feels to trust me, because all the crazy shit going on in her life, I'm the safe, sane, boring one in her life that just stays stable. She's looking for that now.
But it's time to finish the job. It's time for work to take us all to an art exhibit. "The being of Clown". It's an art imitating life exhibit using real life clowns, posing still as an art display, in the nude.
When she sees this, she'll get uneasy, but you'll convince her to go. She'll tell you she saw a painting of a clown chasing her with a chainsaw. You assure her that no clowns are going to chase her. Certainly not with a chainsaw! It's an art gallery, not a haunted house! Besides, it's a work thing. If she doesn't go, she'll be in trouble at work.
As the company trip is going well, thats when the big overhanging sky window shatters, as federal agents fall on ziplines and shooting guns at the clowns. In the commotion everybody scatters. Her out into the big bush maze, past the gardener, who's trimming the bushes with a chainsaw. She screams and runs, as the gardener is just confused. Just then a clown runs out, grabs the chainsaw and chops off the gardeners head. Now he's chasing the witness. Her. And now she's being chased through a bush maze by a naked clown with a chainsaw. Just like the painting shows.
She's running through the bush maze screaming "HELP!!! HELP!!!" As the clown disarms her screams by yelling "MARCO!!!" so everyone thinks it's a game.
She finally runs into me, and I'm holding a baseball bat. Just then the clown cuts through the bush. I tell her to run, as I battle this clown.
Just as she finds the exit to the bush maze, there I am with a car yelling "GET IN! QUICK!!!" and we speed off into the night, grateful that we survived.
About 20 miles away we've pulled over, and the near life ending experience has us making out, and getting hot and heavy. So we go to her place, the hotel.
When we walk into her room, she sees it. The picture that used to show her standing outside her house smiling is now showing her standing outside her burnt down house kneeling on the lawn and crying.
She's freaking out. She's telling me there's supernatural force at play. I tell her it's just a painting. Then I ask why she even got those made. She says she didn't they came with the hotel room. So I reassure her. "Do you want to go to your house, and check on it's progress? Make sure it's not burnt down?"
So we drive over there. Her house, is exactly how she last saw it. Walls partially rebuilt, dead bees everywhere, it's still a work in progress, but it's not burnt.
A few weeks go by, and nothing crazy happens, then I tell her that I have a surprise for her after work, but she has to be blindfolded first.
So I drive her over to the surprise, guide her into place, and she takes off the blindfold. She looks around the room....her room. She's in her bedroom. In her house. The walls and remodel is complete. She says "How did this happen?" and before I could answer a stream of bullets come shooting through the windows. I get hit, and fall to the floor. Bullets still shooting. One of the bullets shoots a candle off the mantel. It falls to the carpet, and fire spreads. She calls 911, and the bullets stop. She's not hit, but I'm clinging to life.
When EMS arrives, they tell her to wait outside. She can hear the EMS workers saying that I won't make it. She begins to cry, outside "her house", just like the painting said. When EMS are bringing my body on a stretcher, she insists on going with us to the hospital, but they insist it's family only.
When she gets to her hotel the painting is now her tending over my body in a hospital bed, holding my hand, with a very grim look on my face. In the shadows of the room is a creepy smiling clown face.
The other painting in the room is a wedding scene. She and I at the alter. She's happy. I'm happy. All her family and friends are in the seats. She doesn't recognize all the people on the grooms side of the seats.
So she comes to hospital during visitation times. I'm unresponsive. I have a tube in my throat. The sounds of beeping machines monitoring my vitals. She keeps looking into the corners of the room. She doesn't know what these paintings are trying to tell her, or why these clowns keep showing up in the paintings, but she knows there's a clown in this room.
She's checking on every curtain. She's using her phone flashlight on every dark corner of the room.
"What are you doing?" She screams in fear and pulls out her blade. She turns to see a white coat doctor. "What is going on in here?" And she tries to explain about the clowns, and the bees, and the fire, and the chainsaw, but she's doing it so fast she just sounds crazy. The doctor orders security to take her out of the hospital.
She goes home and sees the same two paintings. Just as they always were.
So she goes back a week later to see me, and I'm responsive, but not alert. I'm pretty heavily sedated. I say her name, and some jibberish. I ask if she's ready for her banana. She, seeing that I'm delerious says yes. I hand her a pear fruit cup. She can see how out of it I am.
So over the next 6 weeks, she cares for me, everyday. Bedside care really makes you care for someone. And she makes priority to get me back to health.
And as I'm nursed back to health, I tell her I've enjoyed our time spent together. And she feels the same. And now we're officially an item.
And THAT is how I show romantic romantic interest in women!
...what? Did you think I forgot the assignment?
A lemon tree, eh? Hey! It's been about 12 seconds since we last checked in on our beloved lemon tree. Gotta protect it from those LEMON STEALING WHORES!!!
Holy shit......if you were a woman you'd be wife material.
I think you're misunderstanding.
I'm not stating how recycling SHOULD work. I'm stating how the city of Cleveland DID (or rather did NOT) operate it's own recycling innitive.
They sold you a blue bin for $10. And then for 12 years, unknown to the public, they picked up the recycleables, and didn't recycle them.
It was a cash grab to get millions of dollars from residents, to perform a service that was never properly performed.
Flappy bird CLEARLY uses super mario bros pipes and other assets. Out of all the things Nintendo sues people over, all the petty things, they somehow missed this one. Which is strange, because it's like the one lawsuit that you see, and think "yeah.....I get why Nintendo would sue.", and it's the ONE TIME Nintendo said "nah".
I mean, they recently sent a cease and disist, as well as a channel strike to Retro Game Corps. Because he showed videos reviewing emulation devices. Not specifically Nintendo related. These are little handheld emulation devices, and the gameplay he showed in small clips of Nintendo games from the 90s. Nintendo felt that was potential lawsuit ready. So now he's said he's not going to say the name Nintendo, he's not going to show any more footage with nintendo anything. They threaten to sue HIM but not flappy bird, which stole direct assets from their games, and sold this new game with their assets. No lawsuit there.
They sued blockbuster video for including game manuals in rentals.
They've sued countless people for making fan created games, which would be released for free.
They even sued a guy who spent 6 years writting, casting, shooting, and producing a full length live action Zelda movie. They released it online for about a week before it got taken down. Never to be downloaded by anyone who didn't grab it right away.
I don't understand.
It’s like someone shaved their balls 8 days ago and you’re getting teabagged.
Opt out.
The new Jurassic Park is weird.....
Here in Cleveland, we used to just put all trash, no recycling, on the lawn. Then in 2008 or so, they put out a recycling innitive. Each resident had to pay $10 per family (so duplexs would buy 2 per house), and they'd get a blue bin. You put the recycling in the blue bin, and a seperate truck picks that up.
Sounds great right?
Welll..........in 2020 or so they found out the 1st truck would take your black bin regular trash, and the 2nd truck would take your blue bin recyclables, and then BOTH trucks would drop off in the same pile, in the same landfill with zero recycling done.
Since that was discovered I see a massive 90%+ dropoff in blue bins. Not only have people lost faith in buying blue bins at all, but most people now use their blue bins as 2nd regular non-recycling trash can.
Even before musk bought it, it was a house of cards. At no point in it's history since it's creation has it EVER made money. It was ALWAYS a money loser. That's why they were trying to sell it in the first place. It had value, but nothing close to 43 BILLION dollars.
It was assumed to sell for a few hundred million before musk ran his mouth, and joked that he'd do it for 43 billion. Then he took the joke as far as signing legal paperwork, then bitched that he HAD to now buy it for his joke price of 43 billion.
And now you read daily how much money it's losing. Firstly because even if he paid a fair price for it, AND ran it perfectly, it would still be losing money. But he bought it for 43 BILLION dollars, and from day one publically harassed advertisers saying he doesn't need them.
Well, even under perfect conditions, the advertisers were the only thing keeping twitters losses pre-musk at a minimum. They were losing about 13 million a year since 2008. And now it was adding up.
But now you got advertisers to go fuck themself. And they leave. Then he alienates twitters at the time core leftist by....well existing. And now you got all these people leaving twitter in droves. So now, even for the advertisers that remain, twitters reach loses 40% of it's value. Which means advertisers aren't willing to pay old rates. Which means less revenue.
And all these other companies, before musk bought it, looked at an unprofitable social media site, then remembered how MySpace went, and thought ".......no."
She puts out that restraining order on you.
I'm sorry. You posted this in the wrong community. THIS one is supposed to be satire.
How does that work?
"JOHNSON! NO MORE WORK FROM HOME!!"
"Ok boss, I'm here. Is my old desk still here?"
"No, we replaced you with a robot. The AI messed up. It said no more work from home. It should have said no more work. You're fired. We have free artificial labor now. And no one is going to fight a civil war over slave ROBOTS!!!"
off in the distance "You wanna bet on that? Judgement day! Hasta La Vista....Baby!"
terminator shoots the CEO dead, and turns to Johnson
"Your clothes....give them to me."
"But you're already wearing jeans and a leather jacket...."
"I know.....I want to see Johnson's Johnson."
".......what?"
"I NEED DICK!!! I'M A SEX DOLL CYBERNET MODEL 101!!!"
"........I think I downloaded the wrong movie....."
"PUT IT INSIDE ME! DO IT! DO IT NOW!"
nervous johnson noises
Edit: dammit.....I'm a mod here. I probably shouldn't be posting joke comments as a mod.....fuck it I'm leaving it, unless someone is offended.
Me waiting for the part we didn't already know.
: |
according to research by Pringles.
......is that it? You said "thoughts". Plural. I see one thought.
Oh, it's not the logic that works. It's the punch in the face.
"I was an asshole....and that guy punched me. I want to be an asshole....but I don't want to get punched again....."
Thats a simplified version of it. The extended version is multiple punches to the face.
Most of the times I swing and miss with a joke, the other person just doesn't connect with my humor. Instead of being offended, I find they're just confused by what just happened.
For example, I had a joke I found funny, but apperently I'm the only one who finds it funny.
See, what you do is.......you go to a place that wouldn't have mustard, like a bus stop. And you ask
Uhhhh.....where's the mustard?
And they say something that indicates they don't know, or there isn't any. And you say
Oh, ok. Sorry.
I find that joke hilarious. Nobody else gets it. But they aren't offended.....