Thank you for your insightful comment, I am, indeed in mourning. I may not have felt the full palette of affection toward her, but what I do feel is huge in and of itself. And while my rational side is aware that this is the best decision I can make with what I know right now, I still can't shake the guilt of having hurt a person I appreciate so much.
This is more of a personal "issue," I'm very strict with myself around the pain I cause...
I guess that's why they say that the best decisions leave everyone unhappy...
Thank you, I'll give this some thought. I'm very reticent about contacting her again so soon, I really don't want to mess her up any more than I already have...
Thank you for your kind words, sincerely! This will haunt me, though...
I haven't had the chance to meet her friends so far, all of our dates were just between the two of us. She does have a lot of friends from what she's told me, so I hope she'll be able to find some comfort with them and with her family.
Right now, I wouldn't dare try to contact her, I don't want to make things any more painful or complicated than I already have. I'm keeping my door open for her, however, if she'll ever feel that she can talk to me without it tearing her apart.
As for telling her that she had no fault in this, I did. Repeatedly, obsessively, almost. I got really emotional when seeing her so hurt. I kept saying it to her because, if nothing else, I wanted her to walk away with that knowledge for whatever it's worth.
Thank you! There really were no reasons I could point to as the cause for this, we got along really well and the relationship was healthy as far as I could see and experience it. I'm not even entirely sure when the shift started happening. All I know is that one day it started feeling like I was kissing my sister. I didn't tell her this specifically, though.
Oh, no, there is no intent from my end to pursue a friendship with her unless she is absolutely sure it won't mess her up even more. That's why I only told her that I'll always be open to her, but that she should give herself as much time as she needs. I didn't specifically mention a friendship at all. I've been on the other end and I do not want to be one to encourage this kind of slow and sickly grind. I genuinely do love her a lot and I want to do absolutely anything I can do to minimise her pain.
Thank you for bringing this up, I honestly have no issue with maintaining a friendship, but I don't know if she could take it emotionally. She looked distraught yesterday, which told me things were solidifying for her as they should have for me. She may have even confirmed that she was thinking of trying to be intimate during our vacation, but it's honestly just a painful blur right now and I'm not sure.
I didn't even mention this possibility, I thought it would be cruel seeing how badly she took the break-up. I just told her that I am not closing up toward her and asked her to give herself time. That's all.
Thank you, I thought about this option long and hard, but I honestly don't know if things could be turned around in me. I haven't been afraid of harming her, only of pressuring her in any way. I even asked her from the start to point out anything unbecoming from my end, without hesitation, but she never had a reason because I tried as best as I could to not give her one. I always default to gentle and attentive when it comes down to the physical part of relationships and I know that I could have taken it as slow as she would have needed.
To add to this, I really don't want this to turn into an off-and-on thing, I've been through several of those and they are horrid...
Thank you for this. Oh, God, I hope I won't have to do this to anyone else ever again...
Thank you, I keep telling myself this over and over again, but it feels like trying to douse a house fire by pleading with it. I truly do feel heinous to know this is the conclusion to all of the appreciation I felt and feel toward her. She may have been the all-round nicest person I've met to date, and I ended up doing this to her...
Before I get into it, I apologise if this is the wrong instance for this post, I'm pretty new to Lemmy and I haven't managed to find something for break-ups.
For a bit of context, we met in February of this year on OK Cupid. We hit it off, chatted for a few weeks, then met up for a date. Things have been lovely with her. She is smart, funny, caring, compassionate, gentle, pretty, coquette, witty, and the list can go on. Bottom line, I really liked this girl and it wasn't at all hard to begin to fall in love with her right from the start.
I'm in my mid 30s, she's in her late 20s (6 year gap between us), we've had some minor moments of misunderstanding, we discussed things calmly and openly each time and reached mutually beneficial solutions, it was great overall. The only major aspect was the fact that she'd been sexually assaulted by past boyfriends. But we discussed this relatively early on as well, I told her I have no problem with waiting and I meant it, and we agreed to take it slow and just get to know each other. We went on to date at least once a week ever since. I had an awesome time with her, every date was enjoyable and I could feel us becoming really comfortable around one another.
But something started feeling off 3 months in. The dates were still awesome, I still enjoyed spending my time with her, but I started feeling awkward when kissing her, like I didn't really want to. I chalked it up to a rough patch in my own life which left me pretty tired and decided to try to fix things on my end before acting on it in the relationship. I tried to play it cool because I didn't want to worry her. A couple of months passed, I started getting back on track with things, but the awkwardness persisted. It got worse when we decided to go on a vacation together later this year and I realised while buying the plane tickets a week ago that this may be when she'll want to open up physically and that I feel the same kind of awkwardness. A couple of days ago I understood that I loved her deeply, but as a friend, a sister. I don't understand why this shift happened, as I was attracted to her at the start. I thought it may have been because I imposed it upon myself to not give off sex vibes around her so that she won't feel pressured in any way. I just wanted her to be able to feel safe and comfortable around me.
I realised it would be unfair to her as I would basically be stringing her along in the hopes that something may be reignited, and she deserves much better than that. We had the talk yesterday, she was a bit blindsided by it, even though she said she felt that things were turning platonic, too, but didn't say anything, and that she had this happen before in past relationships, but was as sweet and kind about it as ever. My heart was breaking as I was breaking hers. We both cried a lot, she asked me if I was sure just once, I told her yes, hugged her tightly, and left.
I feel like a monster. I feel that I've messed up both a great relationship and a wonderful person. I can't even express the remorse I feel about hurting her, I haven't stopped crying since. I am so sorry I hurt her, but I really don't know what else I could have done.
Is there anything I should or could have done differently? Is there anything I could do to make it better now? In the past, every breakup came with a solid reason, like abuse, major lifestyle differences, things like that. But this time it was just breaking a wonderful person's heart because things died down in me for whatever reason. I hate myself because of this...