I need some other trans athletes in competitive sports to talk to. Tldr: afab enby/masc pre transition wanting to compete in male division.

This is going to be a ramble, apologies.

I'm training in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and I'm planning on going to my first competition. I'm afab, enby/masc. I can't bring myself to sign up for the women's division, and I've signed up for the men's. I'm not on hormones or anything, and even though the divisions are organized by age weight and experience, it's quite possible that I'm still going to be out matched just based on muscle/body weight ratio. I don't know.

I'm training hard, gaining strength. This is the kind of sport where if you technique is good, you can potentially win regardless of size difference. Heck, it was developed to give smaller people an advantage in a street fight.

I've also only ever trained with cis men, and they've told me I'm formidable. (Though I'm not sure if there's is always an unspoken "for a girl" in that whenever a cis dude compliments a precived as female). I also know they are holding back some - at least some of the time, but that's what we all do for training.

I've told some people that I've signed up for the men's division. One cis male friend told me that they would feel like they had an unfair advantage of they got out there and a "girl" showed up to fight, which would mean they would hold back, and/or a win wouldn't feel legit. Therefore I should stick to women's to preserve competitiveness.

They also suggested that I just do the girls first and if I kick all their asses then the men's. Worried that if I try men's and get humiliated it would be a bad learning experience. Somewhat valid. I am the kind of person who tends to go over board at first and then has to scale back. I get it.

But I also don't think athleticism is so black and white. Especially in BJJ at beginner levels. I don't know for sure though because I don't actually have any data, I can't find stories online of afab pre transition competing in bjj. I don't know anyone else. There are plenty of garbage articles about amabs in female devisions, and some good ones, but those don't really help me.

Anyway. I don't know where I'm going with this, just trying to sort out thoughts I guess.

I would appreciate advise, commiseration from any trans athletes out there in competitive sports who have experiences to share.

Love you guys.

So I know I don't need a label but I'm trying to sort out some feelings I think conventional society doesn't give us much room to think about. Pardon the rant. Would love discussion.

I know I'm Pansexual and enby and panromantic. I am in a long term monogamous relationship. But I can fall intensely in love with others, while still being intensely in love with my partner. My partner is monogamous, and I am happy to respect that. I think there is a lot of pressure in media to have to pursue every sexual and romantic desire. They press this message that if you "fall in love" with someone else than you must have also fallen out of love with the other. But I don't find this to be true for myself.

I'm not sure where I'm going exactly why this. Still working through a nebula. Any thoughts?? Ty!

Edit: I just want to thank everyone for their input and advice. I truly appreciate it. I always figured I was poly I guess. But I don't necessarily need to be in that kind of partnership. As I've gotten older, I've been able to be at peace with my "outside" attractions, I'll sit with it and experience while realizing that I'm not compelled to act on it unless it's the right thing to do for me and my partner. My partner is definitely monogamous and needs to be the only sexual partner. I'm ok with it. I respect them and love them and I love our relationship.

Even so, I really would like to know more about this part of myself, so I especially appreciate the book recommendation and hearing other experiences.

I'm sorry I haven't responded to comments, been very busy and will do so tomorrow most likely.

Love you all!

Hi all! I just wanted to celebrate the accidentally gender affirming surgery I'll be having! So I have a giant dick bag fibroid (tumor, usually benign) as big as a softball growing on my internal shark week cavity. My doctor has recommended that we hack the whole dang apparatus out to avoid future tumor growth. And. I. Am So. Happy. I never wanted that junk to begin with! And I don't even have to explain myself too anyone (not that I ever have to, but you know what I mean)! No more shark week ever again! !!!!! Celebrate with me!