People are painful to me. I find their presence painful. I've been this way since infancy. I created a suite of methods for keeping them away (methods like "passive-aggressive hostility"). These methods became deep habits. Later in life I hungered for company and couldn't figure out why I was so bad at it. I just recently realized what's up (thanks meditation). Do any of you relate?
I just feel like a loser who is dead weight on everyone else's life. So I don't do a good job of keeping in touch with anyone, ever.
I hunger for connection, but I assume everyone else is in the same boat: overworked, underpaid, unable to make time, and already has a boatload of problems, they don't need one more person who needs support, so why bother wasting their time.
This has kept me from reaching out to all of my old friends. They ended up hanging out amongst themselves just like old times but I figured if they wanted me there with them too they’d invite me. Since they haven’t, they’re probably fine with me not being there/dont want me there. Oh well. Still makes me sad about missed interactions but I guess it is what it is.
I used to be toxic (maybe I still am?) so this is my punishment for it.
Social atomisation of the population is one of the key goal of the regime. They want to break up social connections and make everybody rely on centralized authorities for everything.
They have succeeded at it too.
They overwork us so we have not time or energy for being human.