What is bothering you right now?
What is bothering you right now?
We’re autistic, and one of the characteristics of being autistic is that we feel things deeply. On the positive side, when we are happy, we feel immense joy compared to others. On the negative side, we feel painful emotions more strongly than others as well. Because of this, many of us have been invalidated, insulted, or pushed away when all we were wanting was to share what we were going through and get support. Maybe even a really tight hug and someone telling us that it makes sense that we feel that way.
While we can’t give hugs, we can help each other by sharing our pain and having others help us through it. So here is that post. What’s bothering you? Why? Tell us.
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Firstly, I want to say that this has nothing to do with things I said recently in the age limit thread; these are things I've been worried about for a while now. Basically, some things are really bothering me right now.
- I've been increasingly annoyed at the double standards of rules. The thing where the rules clearly say one thing, yet everyone looks the other way unless people draw explicit negative attention to themselves. In many cases I like that they aren't being as strict with rules as they say they are (because the rules as written kinda suck). But for the love of god, please just say what the actual rules are.
- I'm getting really worried about a hypothetical situation that I feel could be disastrous for me. It's very unlikely to play out how I think it will in my head, but it's possible. All the anxiety cocktails in my brain are burning away hyperfocusing on it.
- Could we please, as a society, just stop all the fear and stigma around sex and sexuality? Like... Just stop.
- I'm nearly thirty and haven't been in a relationship yet. I spend basically all my time indoors talking to the same few people and posting angry rants on social media. I'm now not in anywhere near a good enough mental state to go out and talk to people.
- Probably other stuff. I have a lot of issues.
But yeah, I've been in a bad headspace this past few months and I don't feel I have good enough coping mechanisms. Spent the past few weeks trying to set up some coping mechanisms with a counsellor. Been feeling a lot like I'm repeatedly burning out, over and over, by worrying and stressing about things.
I don't feel like my issues are anywhere near as serious as other people's, but it's really messing me up just the same. ;_;
- I'm nearly thirty and haven't been in a relationship yet. I spend basically all my time indoors talking to the same few people and posting angry rants on social media. I'm now not in anywhere near a good enough mental state to go out and talk to people.
I feel this. I'm 28 years old and haven't even held hands with a woman. It sucks and takes a huge toll on your psyche, because everywhere you look in the world there are people happy in relationships and it just makes you feel worthless when you've gone so long in your life without experiencing that.
That being said, a bunch of stuff happened to me in the past couple months and right now I'm feeling tantalizingly close to actually having a relationship with a woman. I don't want to jinx it, but I went on a very promising first date last week (the second first date I've been on in my life), and have the second date with the same woman tomorrow night. And between then and now she has been texting me a bunch and I get the impression that she is interested in pursuing something serious with me.
Not trying to flex or anything, just wanted to let you know that things can change quickly. If someone told me in September that I'd be in the situation I'm in now, I would have probably gotten mad at them for lying to me in such a patronizing way. Life is weird like that.
If you have any questions or want any advice, I can maybe provide. I think I've really had my eyes opened in the last couple of months to the tools needed to climb out of that hole, though I don't know your situation.
I mentioned this elsewhere, but one thing that really made me more optimistic is seeing a lot of people here casually mention having partners, or even NT folks posting asking for advice for their autistic partners. For me though, firstly I think I should focus on getting my mental state in a good enough place that I can socialise properly and not be anxious all the time.
Congrats on finding someone though, I hope it works out.
Thanks, me too.
If you want my unsolicited 2 cents on improving your mental state, I highly recommend the book "The Six Pillars of Self-esteem" by Nathaniel Branden. It's a big part of what made such a big change for me and was recommended to me by my therapist specifically because she's found it helps a lot of ND people she works with.
My bf was 24 when he met me. His mom thought he'd stay single till 36 like his uncle. Both of m found someone.
It took me till 32 (Yes, there is an age gap.) to find a partner I actually really like and understand. I've had partners before, since that's what people do and I though I'd try it myself. I never really understood what it meant though.
We found each other playing minecraft online. Another friend of mine found his first gf at 28 doing the same thing.
I think it helps to do something you love and try to find a way to do it with others, in a way thats comfortable to you.
But also to just let it be, not focus on it too much and enjoy life till it happens. It requires a lot of luck to find a match.
Hope none of this was rude or wrong. But instead maybe a bit helpful, as intended.
All issues are valid and the level of seriousness is always the same because it's what impacts you. So don't put yourself or your issues down because someone else is 'worse off'.
I'm kind of like you in the relationship thing. I'm almost 40 and I can't date for a multitude of reasons. You're not lesser or inferior or anything else for not dating.
Thanks for the reply. I understand that I shouldn't dismiss my own feelings and problems just because they aren't "important". But at the same time, I don't really feel comfortable claiming that my issues are anywhere near as serious as people that are facing problems like abuse and potential loss of housing or life.
And I get that I'm not less of a person having never dated anyone (and I don't think people should be pressured into having relationships for the sake of it). But at the same time, there's so much I want to explore relating to it and it feels super frustrating to not be able to do so due to my life situation.
All struggles being 'equal' seems weird and hard to accept, but it's important to do so. You aren't going through what someone else is going through nor are they going through what you're going through. Both things exist at the same time and have the same weight to them. Sure society will claim one should suck it up or whatever but that is just toxic and meant to keep people down. I'm not going to change your mind since that is something you have to do from your end. But I did want to offer it up that you can have your problems and they're equally as important as those of someone else. This kind of thinking was a big shift for myself way back and I got my mom to shift her thinking too and it's just all around a good change.
Well remember that it's your choice if you do or do not do something. This is true of dating, job(s), friend(s) etc. If you're not in a place where you feel you can have a relationship that's okay. The future may change that for you and it may not. While that isn't the most... warm of sentiments it has to be said. Most people don't really care about what it is that we feel should hold us back from doing something like dating. Don't let it get you down instead go at your own pace and make the decision yourself.
Yeah, life does give one lemons sometimes. I'm sorry for your unfortunate circumstances. I have been in very deep shit as well. One feels treated unfairly. Society as a whole has many problems. One of them is unleashing all its anger on a few, innocent individuals. Please remember, that a lot of your problems are not your fault, and there is no point in feeling bad for them.
As to the sexuality: I completely get your point. People are weird when it comes to sex. I believe that a lot of people have emotional problems, just that they don't express most of the time. But when it comes to sex, they can't hide it anymore. That is why so many people are so completely weird when it comes to sex.
I would suggest looking out for people who are emotionally healthy, like girls who are truly satisfied with themself. I believe that they are emotionally stronger, and therefore have fewer issues overall, especially deep inside; Which is relevant when you want to have a long-term relationship with them. That is just my piece of advice, I hope it gives you some clarity.
I’ve been increasingly annoyed at the double standards of rules. The thing where the rules clearly say one thing, yet everyone looks the other way unless people draw explicit negative attention to themselves. In many cases I like that they aren’t being as strict with rules as they say they are (because the rules as written kinda suck). But for the love of god, please just say what the actual rules are
Are you referring to this community? If so, can you elaborate?
Nah, nothing like that. Some examples:
- Every country seems to have a number of archaic old laws that everyone seems to be breaking, but many don't actually get prosecuted for it (and in many cases, doing so would be politically unwise).
- A big platform that I depend on as part of my professional career (Github) has rules against having multiple accounts per person. But so many people do it that I have to assume they don't enforce it unless you being excessive.
- Discord and Final Fantasy 14 both have strict rules against third party client modifications, but they seem very commonplace. Again, perhaps unenforced?
- People flagrantly disregard the rules of some platforms and services, and yet they seem to be mostly tolerated until they suddenly aren't. In a few cases this is the only source of income for some people (luckily not me), and getting shut down would put them at a huge risk.
- Depending on your moral compass, some level of violating IP law is morally excusable. It is of course illegal, but barely enforced. Probably.
It's... Legitimately terrifying the level of control governments and megacorps have over people, and feels somewhat arbitrary what they let you do or don't do. And to be clear - I think most of these rules are dumb, but I just want rules to be changed rather than left unenforced.
I think most of these rules are dumb, but I just want rules to be changed rather than left unenforced.
I think that some laws are left unenforced unless a person in power wants to punish you. Then, they enforce it but only you.
Mainly just the pain of PMDD/endometriosis, being a shut-in because of that and ND, frustration at not being taken seriously enough by doctors, that I am not the best at expressing myself verbally, and that maybe if I could communicate in my preferred medium that they might understand better.