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My dad has a lot from growing up in a small farming community in Kansas:
“Shakin like a dog shittin prune seeds.”
“I gotta piss like a race horse.”
“So dumb you couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.”
"Shaking like a dog shitting razor blades" is the opening of an alkaline trio song. They're out of Chicago, so I don't think this is local to small town Kansas. Also I'm from Texas and piss like a racehorse was fairly common.
Was going to say the same! Although I like Hot Water Music’s cover Radio a bit more than the original.
We have variants of those in northern England too. Shaking like a shitting dog and pissing like a police horse.
Southern US, heard police horse but racehorse is more common. But my family's was always "gotta piss like a pregnant woman" and "gotta piss so bad my back teeth are floating"
I once heard a coworker say: "if brains were gunpowder, they couldn't blow their nose".
A friend will occasionally say "that'll make you take back shit you never stole", which apparently means the thing (whatever he was talking about) was good.