Do you want to be a special person?
Do you want to be a special person?
I think there's a lot of cultural motivation to be some kind of great person - be it because of the great man theory of history or the economic glorification of the captains of industry. However, as communists, our theories of history and economics don't have any love lost for this analysis of the world. We recognize that without labor, not a single gear would turn. So, in my mind, success as a society doesn't rely on the prophetic vision of someone unbound by the constraints of societal pressures, but by iterative improvements and experiments put forward by groups of people who could stand to be liberated from under the economic heel of serving treats and proliferating the MIC. In this paradigm, the person who does push forward the big discovery/gadget is congratulated and venerated, but the cultural zeitgeist shouldn't be centered around that moment of discovery, but instead around highlighting the group and their efforts. Think of watching a Summoning Salt video instead of just the WR speedrun. If I can characterize my desire as wanting to be part of a culture that celebrates the collaborative more than wanting to be exalted as the person who accomplishes something, I can say that I don't "lack motivation" because I don't yearn to be celebrated.
I also struggle to see myself in chosen ones - I don't write the MCs of my novels as inherently special, but rather people who have to rise to the occasion. I hear that media that depicts hordes of zombies (post-apocalyptic has never resonated with me) springs from the same core philosophy. I would much rather hear about someone who is weird because they had to panic and push through a crowd of normal people than someone who is normal who had to run their truck through a horde of zombies. When I think of what I want for myself, the conversation is never to cultivate what makes me special to live up to my potential, it's always about doing something cool because the opportunity exists for those who would take it.
For example, with my black belt coming up in BJJ (in likely <year), I find a lot of joy in reflecting about how I took detours to learn about striking, wrestling, and judo while I've never had a genuine interest in my tournament results which have, as a result, been lackluster. For me, I grew up hearing people say that nobody's cut from a different cloth and how "you're a fucking sick (oops, can't show that word on a Christian forum) if you want to be." I went into BJJ because I wanted to believe that anyone could walk in off the street and, with the proper attitude, opportunity, will, and work become a black belt. I don't know that it ever crossed my mind that among the public, I was specially engineered to get that belt because of some characteristic about myself. On the contrary, my enormous gag reflex, gentle demeanor, and sensitive skin would imply that I am particularly imperfect for BJJ. Sometimes it's hard to go into a group of practicing MMA athletes as a weekly manga reader with no competitive ambition and believe "yep, I can hang with you shirtless people with tattoos and muscles!" even if I was invited by the coach. I think in my darkest moments I worried that inherent characteristics about myself made me too bad of a person to be able to accomplish the goal or that my accomplishments would be given out of pity. Even then, when it came to digging myself out of that hole, the act of showing up and being part of that community and touching grass mat helped bring me out of that funk when people showed me love instead of hating me for being me.
So, I guess sometimes I feel like I'm missing some fire or edge because I'm not striving to stand out. I do have accomplishments that stand out - I don't like to list them in public because it feels boastful. But if we just look at BJJ - while it's hard to get accurate data, a safe assumption is that <1% of people who walk in the door to do BJJ make it to brown belt. If the exclusivity were the goal, I feel like I should feel some other emotion about it. That maybe I should lean into it and make it into some complex about what a precise and superior fighter I am. I earnestly, when I'm being honest and sincere, don't toil in the hopes of being more than someone else. Deep down in there I'm hoping that an attractive person I'm attracted to goes "oh you really like that thing that I like too! Let's talk about it for hours" and magically I like talking to them for hours. Likewise, being really helpful and working on my own terms has 1,000,000x more resonance to me than being really rich (marble countertops, consuming luxury slop, having exclusive seating/priority, etc.). But with a resume of cool shit that I've done it's like shouldn't I want to pursue something until it's amazing? Shouldn't I be one track minded towards a goal? I seem to be floating listlessly and a goal might shake that up. Am I just coping?
Do you feel the same way? Without great man theory, imperial core chauvinism, and unenlightened non-liberating education do you still strive to be special and stand out? Do you want to be outstanding - the person who finally discovers and invents the thing? Do you have any guidance for me?
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I want to ask how do you interact with someone who has the opposite of this mindset? That they're very special and have built their core personality around it to the point of narcissism.
Maybe this would be worth its own post.
I interact with sadness and trepidation when I'm with my friend who has taken a liking to the belief that they're special. A lot of our recent conversations have been on the topic of how great they're doing and how impressed people are with them. To keep up martial arts as a conduit for expression, I felt annoyed when they, after a few weeks of muay thai, kept critiquing my form, rejecting my feedback, and decided that their best bet in beating me was up close clinching.
Everything else aside, I have more than double the experience grappling compared to striking - I love clinch because it's the domain where I might steal a fight from a better striker. So when we go for the most basic clinching, something they have yet to get formal training in, I go for a simple trip, they fall over and grasp at my shirt on the way down to help ease the way down. After hitting the ground it takes a while for them to let go. The conversation takes a dramatic lull after they start to describe how tough it is to go against me, how I hurt their piercing, and how upset they were. I felt visceral disgust with them and I wanted to lash out at their weakness (of character). I was upset that of all their backhanded compliments of my strength, the years of cultivating technique across multiple disciples seemed to have slipped their mind. I expressed all this (poorly) by saying "[muay thai]'s not a sport for wimps."
I don't have a good answer to how to navigate or take advantage of narcissism. I default to speaking when spoken to. I let a recent intimate relationship slip through my fingers in such a dynamic. I think the attitude manifests as frustration with how the obstacles in their way don't seem fair or that others could stand to do more to help them. So maybe what they want is more buy-in into their vision for the world, but that's not something I am willing to give. I think, when they see a group of people practicing the art, they see an opportunity to impress. They're not seeing a chance to learn and grow. So something like a minimum number of classes is bureaucracy in the way because "the coach thinks that I'm cool." Nonetheless, the answer sure doesn't appear to be more discussion about how we feel and what we believe because even under the guidance of a couple's counselor that didn't pan out historically. I would have also said that karma would catch up with them when difficulties in life make them doubt themselves. Nope, not really. They are just as able to double down.
"When education is not liberating, the dream of the oppressed is to become the oppressor." - Paulo Freire.
I'd suppose that makes sense, without introspection and self criticism I'd presume it's likely that the problem would always be identified as being external.
It matches up with the backhanded compliments story too. I have a desire to help people with this way of looking at life but I've found over the years that more often than not, introspection needs to come from within.
I find it admirable your approach to BJJ though, I've know a few too many who go into martial arts as a means of learning to fight more effectively at bars.
Funny enough, I am more than happy to teach that type of person. If somebody came in asking me how to throw a better punch I'd tell them about how in Usman vs Masvidal, the cross that sent Masvidal into the stratosphere didn't get a wind up and how they don't need a wind up either then. I suppose all I can hope for is that they stumble upon a moment of witnessing the beauty of fighting. Maybe they'll end up at a bar and go "damn, there's not enough space here and they don't even like that we're fighting. I get better sparring rounds at the gym. In fact, I get a more thrilling adrenaline dump when I'm competing than when I insult someone's wife! I'm turning over a new leaf."