Everything is just too much, I don't know how much longer I can keep going. CW.

Life is just becoming untenable. It's bad enough being ill and disabled, dealing with chronic pain, endless hospital appointments, multiple surgeries and seeing my life slip down the drain because I'm not well enough to do anything worthwhile. But I could live with this. What I can't cope with any more is poverty.

It's one thing going through benefit appeals. OK my money gets stopped for months during the appeal, and I rack up debt and have to beg for food on here. It's hard because I often have to make multiple posts on mutual aid before getting a response, and when I do get a response it's often not enough to see me through until I can get another response. So living with constant threat of hunger too. Having to eke out each morsel of food carefully. But I could live with that for a while until my benefits get sorted, since it's temporary.

But now the government say they are cutting disability benefits drastically, to the point I will not be able to live on them, AND they're making it virtually impossible to claim them AND they're forcing claimants into work placements. Multiple doctors have written me letters of support saying I'm totally unfit for any type of work whatsoever, and need help with basic daily things. Yet I still got 0 points on my last assessment. So there is no way the DWP will take the doctor's word for it that I can't work when these new rules come in (and the government say they're being implemented in 54 days.) I know I can't work any more, it's not even a debate.

On top of cancer treatment and a stroke, I'm currently recovering from my last foot surgery. I can't even wear shoes right now, and they said the recovery could take up to 4 months to be complete. I need another foot surgery and I've been given the date - 24th April. That's three months from now. That means just as I recover from this surgery I'll be having another one and have to go through the whole thing again. And this recovery has been horrible - as well as being unable to wear shoes I ended up in A&E when my surgical wounds got infected and it's still infected. I have to get the dressings changed by the nurse multiple times a week and pay for my own bandages because the NHS don't pay for that! I got the money for the bandages by begging on here. And that alone puts me at risk of getting in trouble with the DWP. AND I have to constantly fight to keep my meds as they're always trying to stop or reduce them on cost grounds, never on medical grounds.

I just feel that this latest news about disability benefits is the final straw. When this is implemented I don't see any way out but suicide. I am scared of course, I tried once before and just ended up in intensive care for 5 days. I'm worried about making another mess of it. This sick world does everything it can to make the most reliable and painless suicide methods unavailable, while making people's lives more unbearable to they want to die, but can't.

I'm thinking my only real option is drowning. I live right by the sea and have some diazapam tablets, maybe I can take enough to knock myself out so the drowning won't be so bad. I should stress I am planning to do this in several months when the financial situation becomes clear, not right now so I don't want any do-gooders phoning the police on me or any shit. I am only writing this so if the time comes people will know I did this purely for financial reasons, because the government have bullied me to the point of having no other way out.

I will not accept being out on the street, or moved from shelter to shelter. In fact I asked my shitty therapist about sheltered accommodation, you know what she said? She said you have to pay to live there, it's not free. I said so what about when I'm not in receipt of benefits, such as during appeals? She said then I'd be evicted. There is no security or safety, anywhere.

I am tired of this. The immense stress of benefit assessments and appeals is bad enough, but this new government have taken away all hope of a survivable future. It's already exhausting and stressful begging for food and never knowing whether I will get a response or not, but this new situation means the end of all hope and a life of permanent destitution and homelessness.

20 comments

I hope i can get across to you how much it pains me to see the growing amount of people hurting on here, and how i can't help everyone. I don't mean to compare my pain to yours, im trying to express something in an attempt for you to at least not feel bad for needing money. I don't want to get into my own shit, but i know at least how a few straight years of being looked down on feels. The fact you're forced to feel this way makes me so angry for you, and at myself for not being a better person, the kind that had the energy, the smarta, or even just the money to help everyone instead of who i am.
Ask for money without shame, i beg you. Not here. This is the one place that (i desperately hope) understands it's not your fault. To your point on how it's tough to ask for money and that it takes more than once... It's not a fix, but if you're holding back from work about bothering us...consider asking more often. There's people here making multiple posts per day to get by, and I've never judged a single person here, in any post, hand to god. I'll fuggen fistfight any fool whut does (and im not even tough).
- Thanks. I'm way past caring about judgment for it, it's just the stress of the unreliability, never knowing if anyone will respond or if they do, if I'll get enough to last for a week or more. Same thing with benefits, the stress of the unreliability - will I win my appeal? if I do, will the government do what they are saying and cut benefits, etc. There is never any security. I can only get from day to day, always worrying about food and homelessness.
  In fact, I get far more messages offering "helpful" suggestions on making money, than messages actually helping. So many messages where people tell me to monetise my situation by blogging about it, give tips on investing in stocks (invest what? I have no money) ask me to join in their money making schemes. Apart from anything else, on disability benefits you're often not allowed to make money, or if you do they'll deduct money from your benefits, so all these suggestions are no use to me anyway.
- how much it pains me to see the growing amount of people hurting on here, and how i can't help everyone
  Thanks for putting into words what I'm feeling too. It's debilitating to watch so many of us suffer needlessly, may it be from lack of medical care, flat out benefits or wars. You're not alone with this feeling of helplessness. But remember, Honkey, this system is designed to make us feel this way. Don't let it break your spirit, and keep doing what you can. And if all that you can do is listening to to your comrades, as it is in my case, then that's enough for now. We'll help everyone eventually, including @DisabledAceSocialist@hexbear.net and ourselves.