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My true self seems to only exist on the internet. I want to be me in meat space, too, but I just lock up most of the time and become completely non-verbal all the while I am aware of it and screaming inside my head to just do this, or say that the way I would on a comment or a chat room.
I applaud your self-control. My true self cannot be contained HAHAHAHAHA
Self-control? No... This is mental illness. And it sucks. :(
I have similar experiences with wanting to desperately be part of conversations, but not being able to expel the words.
Have you looked into selective mutism? Or being a highly sensetive person?
That or Autism (which lends to Selective Mutism). The actual neurodivergency, not the internet's/4chan's idea of it. It's not always as visible and obvious as people think. People can go through their whole lives not knowing due to it impacting them as a series of miscellaneous, tangentially related difficulties and never actually finding out about how it affects your life.