Well I don't believe in hell either

Like most things, it doesn't just fall in your lap.

If you are just waiting for things to get better, then I doubt they ever will.

Be glad you are making other people's lives better, a ton of people can't even do that.

Someone else sorta shrugged you off, but I won't. I'm bi-polar and know how terrible depression feels. I spent time parking at a fast food place every day on my lunch break and crying on the phone with my mother about how much I hated life. I spent years inebriated because I wanted to be passed out as close to 24/7 as possible. Depression fucking sucks.

I'm sorry that you're going through hard times. I'll share advice that my father gave me. He said this every time that things were going great (because he also suffered depression): just remember that it may seem like it'll never get better, but eventually it does. And just because it's going well now, don't forget that there will be down times. It's cyclical.

I hope I'm not pandering and that you've had at least some degree of upswing that you can call "better" in 20 years. It might go higher than that. You might reach a point where someone needs to remind you that it's always temporary and that you shouldn't forget that it can feel this way later when it goes down again; to remember that good feeling to give you hope when you do experience hard times. A bit rambley, but I wish you the best.

hope you get better

Hope you feel better some day. Best of luck to you.