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Ok...
I can't deal with the guilt of burdening someone who cares about me with knowledge of how much I want to not exist. I know exactly how that burden of anxiety and worry feels and I can't stand saddling someone I know and care about with it. It doesn't matter whether they want me to or not, I just can't deal with it. They'll all want to help and they can't and they'll feel terrible they can't help and I can't put them in that place.
If I tell someone about suicidal ideation, confide in them, then if I ever do end up killikg myself it would wreck them that they couldn't or didn't do anything to help. Or at least, I would in their position. Fuck.
Hey there... There is no reason. You are worthy of help. Anyone is. You can't stoop low enough to not deserve help. You can't not deserve help. So get out and find the help. I don't know if you will find a solution, but it will definitely help somewhat.